Glimmers of hope

This year has not been a good one. So many bad things have happened. I came close to cheating, but I didn’t. I got fired from my job. I had a severe case of depression. Things looks very bleak.

There has been a few glimmers of hope. A friend from Twitter loaned me some money to get us through a bad patch. Another friend sent me a card when some money. Both those of acts helped lift the depression some.

I was talking to a friend last week. I joked that I wanted some chocolate, and told him to order me some from Amazon. He actually did it! I got a box with two bags of fun sized Baby Ruths in the mail yesterday. That was a wonderful thing. I wanted the chocolate, and it was nice to get a gift.

My mom paid for me to get a battery for my van. So no more being trapped at home. And no more excuses to not go job hunting.

Also, I met a woman on the Moovz app. She’s close to my age, and lives about 90 miles away. It’s not close, but close enough to possibly meet. I like her. We have similar personalities. I wasn’t sure how to interact with her, so I asked her if she just wanted a friend, or if she was ok with me flirting with her. She said flirting was fine. Wow.

She told me that she was deleting the Moovz app, and that I was the only good thing that came from that app. She made sure she had a way to talk to me before she deleted it. That made me happy.

She said she would like to meet sometime. I said that I would love that. She was kind of surprised. I don’t know why she would be, I really do like her.

She is so easy to talk to, but I’m kind of awkward. I really don’t know how to flirt with a woman. This is foreign territory for me.

I don’t know if anything will come of this. But if nothing else, I have another friend. I’ve been hoping to find a decent female friend for a while. Life is so unexpected. She approached me, she made sure she had a way to talk to me. That makes me smile. Things seem to be looking up, and I am so grateful for that.

 

I suck at being bisexual

I suck at being bisexual. I can’t flirt with women. I get all awkward, and say the dumbest things. My husband said I could have a girlfriend, but it’s virtually impossible to find one. I seem to attract the crazy bi chicks that want me to have threesomes with their boyfriend, or husband. I don’t want a threesome with my own husband, I don’t want to have sex with their S.O.

I’m 49, and seriously doubt I’d have the courage to get naked in front of one new person. Two new people would stress me out too much. Why do people think threesomes are so hot anyway?  It’s too many people, with too many moving parts.

And why do women think pictures of their genitals are attractive? Especially if it looks like a roast beef sandwich. I’m not really attracted to looks anyway. A stimulating conversation is more attractive to me than what a body looks like.

You would think as a woman, I would have a clue what to say to another woman. But, I really don’t. Flirting with a man takes almost no effort. They’re easy. Flirting with a woman takes a talent I don’t have.

Maybe it’s because I don’t have much experience. Maybe it’s because I’m so shy, and introverted. I just know that I freeze up. I don’t know what to say. There have only been a few women I have ever connected with.

The thought of actually dating a woman terrifies me. So, maybe it’s a good thing I don’t have any luck. I still would like a female friend/FWB but I’m doubtful that will ever happen. I met a woman online who has potential, but she lives across the country.

People ask me why I can’t be happy with my husband. I love him, but he isn’t a woman. Part of me craves the things only a woman could give me. It isn’t being disrespectful to him. It’s acknowledging a fact.

I wish sexuality was a choice. If it was, I wouldn’t choose being bisexual. It’s painful. It’s confusing, and it makes me sad & angry. I hate that it gets fetishized. I hate that everyone assumes I want a threesome.

I’m a late bloomer. I didn’t come out as bi until I was 46. I didn’t get to experiment in my youth. I’m middle aged now, and I’m married to a man. I’m not not a prime catch for a same sex partner. It honestly sucks. Women are picky.

It’s so ironic to me that even at my age, and with my size, I still have much younger males hitting on me. I don’t want that. I love my husband. I don’t want another male. I would like a female’s companionship, even as a friend, but I have no luck finding one.

I also hate that I get judged. Some people see the idea of me dating as cheating. It’s called being in a semi open marriage. I have my husband’s permission to explore with a female. I am not allowed to engage with another male, but I can with a female.. People don’t understand that, and they don’t really need to. It’s not their business.

So, I really do suck at flirting, and dating. I can’t change my personality. I’ve had some bad experiences. I doubt I will ever get to have the things I crave. My attitude now is that if it happens, it will. If it doesn’t, then oh, well. I have learned one thing, and that’s to not say never. Life is so full of unexpected things.

 

 

 

I have a story to tell…

I have a story to tell. It’s not my story, but I am part of it. When I came out as bisexual in January of 2014, I decided to use my blog as a way of coping with it. I read some very interesting posts on bisexuality. I also met, Rob/Kdaddy23.

Rob became my mentor. He explained so many things to me. He helped me figure out some stuff. And he made me realize that maybe I could have a husband, and a girlfriend. He explained that there has to be rules. Things needed to be agreed on. But it is possible to have a somewhat open marriage.

Personally, I haven’t had much luck when it came to dating. I did go on a few dates, and got to have one sexual experience. My husband says it’s ok for me to explore, but balks at me actually looking.

So, that’s a little background info on me. One day I was on Whisper. And this guy messaged me. I will call him Max. He tells me that his wife is bisexual. She has never experienced being with a woman. She wanted to, but wanted to be faithful to her husband.

So, here’s kind of the surprise element. He wants his wife to explore her sexuality. He wants her to find a woman to be with. He asks me how to convince her.

I honestly don’t remember that I told him. But I did say it’s not cheating if she has permission. If he agrees to it, then it could happen.

I did point out several things to him that he hadn’t considered. Like where could she find this woman? Where would they have sex? Would the woman be introduced to family, and if so, as what? How much family money could be allocated for dates/hotels.

I also warned him about jealousy. This would be something he was not a part of. Threesomes would most likely not be a thing.

Well, he talked to his wife. She decided to go for it. She got on OK Cupid, and immediately started talking to woman. And…..found a date for that night. Max was rather stunned. He was not expecting things to move that fast.

I told him for safety’s sake, get the woman’s name and phone number. And tell him to have his wife text him to let him know where she was.

Well, the date went well. And his wife decided to spend the night with her at a hotel. That went well too. Max was kind of giving me play by plays throughout the night. He was feeling the effects of the jealousy I warned him about.

When his wife got home. she smelled of the other woman. That turned him on. They ended up having sex that morning, and that made him happy.

At first, when Max and his wife were figuring out the rules, it was to be no sex in the homes. But the women decided that they wanted to be at home. So the rules were changed.

So, the two families met, and got along. The relationship was explained to the kids. The other husband, and children went home. The women went to the couple’s bedroom. Max slept in the guest bedroom.

Things moved very quickly. The women clicked. Max likes the other husband, and the families get along. That is their story.

Me? I’m suffering from extreme jealousy. I’ve been looking for a year, and couldn’t find anyone who evens wants to hang out with me, much less have sex. But this isn’t my story.

I asked Max if this would have happened if he hadn’t talked to me. He said it wasn’t very likely. So, two women I have never met, and will never meet, had their lives changed because of my conversation with Max. I helped a man convince his wife to find a female lover.

That makes me feel kind of odd. They were my words, but honestly, most of the thoughts came from my conversations with Rob, https://kdaddy23.wordpress.com/

Things seem great at this early stage. The families are getting together again soon. I’m happy for them, and yet I still suffer from jealousy. I can’t help it. I’m happy for them. It seems like they hit a home run the first time at bat. So, I need to remove my emotions from this. This is their story, but it wouldn’t have had a start if not for me. But it is my story to tell.

 

He is my home

I don’t know exactly when I fell in love with my husband. I met him at the Denny’s I worked at. He always sat at the counter. I talked to him whenever I could. (Keep in mind that I am an introvert, and it’s not easy for me to talk to people) I think I fell for him sometime around when he came in one afternoon, and I spent my entire break standing there talking to him.

My breaks were sacred to me. I needed the time off my feet, and the break from people. But that day, I clocked out, and I talked to him.

Somehow, I asked him out. It was an insane moment of impulse. I didn’t think about it, I just asked him what he was doing the following night (I knew he was off too) When he said, “Nothing” I asked him if he wanted to so see a movie with me. He hesitated for a second, and I started to freak out. I thought he would say no, and I was already feeling embarrassed. I was shocked when he said yes.

We didn’t actually make it out that day,  my stupid roommate erased all of David’s messages while I was out. When I gave David my number, I didn’t think to get his. And I didn’t know his last name to look him up.

Our first date was technically a disaster, but he stuck around. After we finally watched the movie, and ate the pizza, I didn’t know how to end the date. I hadn’t really done much dating before him. So I kissed him, thinking he’d say goodnight, and go. But we ended up in my bedroom instead.

Yes, we had sex on our first date, several times actually. He was used to working midnight shift, so he kept waking me up. It was a weird night, but I think deep down, I already knew that I loved him. So it just seemed natural.

He didn’t flirt with me, but he just drew me to him. He fit me. He fit my sense of humor, he fit my background and he fit me sexually. He always felt like “home”. He was my safe place. He basically saved my life when he paid for me to go to a clinic when I had strep throat. We had only been dating for a month when that happened.

We didn’t have a typical courtship. I had asked him out, after all. He asked me to marry him over the phone. I didn’t get a ring until a few months later. And even then, he got me a ruby instead of a diamond. He knew I didn’t like diamonds.

I have made mistakes in our marriage. I didn’t physically cheat, but I did the next worse thing. But David didn’t give up on us. He didn’t give up on me. He had the strength to let me work through my feelings.

I am so blessed to have him in my life. I don’t feel worthy of him, but I am so damned glad he doesn’t feel that way. We’ve been together for 23 years. It hasn’t always been easy. There were times when I wanted to bolt, but I could never leave him. 23 years together, and the longest we’ve been apart is 10 days.

We have survived so much. We made it through me almost dying. We made it through my mother in law being diagnosed with Parkinson’s and moving in with her. We survived my coming to terms with me being bisexual. And we made it through me falling in love with someone else (that has ended since)

We aren’t perfect, but we are perfect for each other. He is my home. He is my heart. I have a weird quirk where I can love more than one person, but he is my soul mate. He isn’t perfect. He doesn’t always understand me, but he tries. He does things that frustrate me, but he doesn’t do them intentionally.

I have no idea how I managed to find someone so perfect for me, but he’s been mine for 23 years. I love him. I do know how rare it is to find a soul mate, and I have no intention of ever letting him go. He’s an amazing person, and he’s mine. And that makes me happy. ☺

 

Bewildered bisexual

I wish sexuality was a choice. I am bisexual, and I didn’t choose to be that way. My first indication was at 5 years old, and I liked looking at a porn magazine I found. I knew it wasn’t something a child was supposed to be seeing, but the fact it was women didn’t bother me.

At 7, I was playing house with the girl next door. I was the ‘daddy’. I kissed her, and I liked it. Once again, I didn’t know that was something I wasn’t supposed to enjoy.

At 9, I had my first crush. It was on my fourth grade teacher. A young woman. I didn’t realize it was a crush then, but it was.

Through the years, I got my hands on a surprising amount of porn for someone so sheltered. Once again, I knew it was “wrong” because it was porn, but I didn’t think looking at women was wrong.

I had a number of indicators about same sex attraction, but I didn’t know that it meant I was bisexual. I thought they were feelings every female felt. I was wrong.

It took me until I was 46 years old to finally accept, and acknowledge the same sex attraction. I am attracted to women. I want to have sex with a woman. But, I am married to a man, and have been for 22 years. He gave me leeway to explore, and I did a little bit. I had one sexual experience with another female. I enjoyed it. But it was a one time thing.

I tried dating. That didn’t work out. I am not what most other females are looking for. It’s ironic, I have no problem attracting men. I do have a problem attracting women. I had an OK Cupid profile for almost 24 hours. I deleted it because it upset my husband, and I didn’t feel like putting myself out there like that.

Coming to terms with being bisexual is a continuing thing. It’s something I carry with me. I can’t help but look when I see someone who is attractive. For me, that could be a male, or a female. I saw a college girl wearing yoga pants today, I had to admire her butt.

I love my husband, and I have for 23 years. But I already know that I can love more than one person. That fact that I love another man, and a woman, does not subtract love from my husband. I’m not greedy, I just happened to fall in love with friends too.

I hate myself, because my feelings have caused my husband grief. I crave a woman. I want to touch, and be touched by one. I want to make love with a woman. I want what my husband can’t give me. I don’t want another male, but I do want a female.

Some people can have polyamorous relationships, but I don’t think that’s in the cards for me. I’m not young, and I don’t really have experience. And most people don’t want to get involved with a married person.

So, I’ve given up on the girl friend idea. I won’t say it will never happen, but it’s highly unlikely. I just decided to stop looking. But then again, I never looked any of the three times I’ve fallen in love, so I don’t know who will walk into my life. So, I’m no longer looking, but I’m open to whatever may happen. Life is full of surprises.

Bending the rules

It’s almost 4AM, EST. I can’t sleep. For some reason, I started thinking about me abandoning the idea of having a girlfriend. There are many reasons why I decided to stop looking, but I think what has disappointed me the most, is that I lost the opportunity to write about the possible experiences I could have had.

One of the problems with me, is that I am too open and honest. If the other person is not fully out of the closet, then my attitude can cause problems. I’ve never really been IN the closet. I went from not having a clue, to announcing it to the world. I am married to a man, and I’m bisexual. I don’t have children that would be affected by me coming out. That I want to explore the female attraction bothers my husband, but he won’t forbid me to do it.

The fact that I am on Twitter, and I blog about being bisexual bothers some people. I’ve been told that I’m seeking attention, and that I live my life on social media. I do spend too much time online, but when I write, most often it’s because I am trying to figure things out in my head. Seeing my thoughts in print helps me to accept things.

But, I do have to admit that looking at the numbers is some kind of ego boost. As someone who has mostly been invisible for my entire life, having people pay attention to me is a sort of a drug. I don’t write to impress anyone, but it’s nice to know that people are interested enough to read my posts.

I don’t always have the urge to write, and other days I post several times in a day. Sometimes I just need to rant, and get things out of my system. Sometimes I’m being passive aggressive. I say what I want to say to someone, without telling them directly.

Some days, something in particular strikes a chord in me. It could be a response to something I saw on Facebook, or Twitter. It could just be a meme I have in my download files. Sometimes I just want to tell a story.

Every so often, I read through my older posts. It’s kind of interesting how my thought processes have changed. I went from coming out as bi, to wishing I could have a girlfriend and to saying it could never happen. But then I actually went on a few dates with women. I had one sexual experience with a woman. So I learned that anything is possible.

I’m a pretty boring person. I don’t go out often. I don’t socialize in person. The idea of dating a woman intrigued me.  The reality of it wasn’t so great. The first woman was rude, and rather flaky.

The second one showed promise in conversation, but she shut it down once we met in person. She stopped talking to me. And that sort of hurt. I was really just wanting someone to hang out with. The possibility of sex wasn’t even an issue for me.

For a very short time (less than 24 hours) I had a profile up on Ok Cupid. It seemed exciting at first, but then it didn’t. It upset my husband because I didn’t discuss it with him first. And he was extremely upset that a couple checked out my profile. (They didn’t contact me)

Those profiles are designed so people can figuratively sell themselves. I’m a married woman who is often broke. I felt like I had nothing to offer. In the section “You should message me because” I couldn’t think of anything to put. Does it matter that I’m funny? That I like giving massages? Does it matter that I wish I had a woman I could do silly romantic things with? I don’t know.

I needed to step back. I’ve been told that I shouldn’t give up looking. I’m not giving up on the idea entirely, I’m just not actively seeking. I’ve fallen in love three different times, and each time, the people came to me. I know that literally anything is possible.

I grew up believing that we have only one soul mate. There is only one person to fulfill all our wants, and desires. I have since learned that I can love more that one person at a time. That different people can fill different needs. I learned that polyamory is a thing. I learned that some open marriages can work.

I’ve learned things about myself. I learned how much I do love my husband. I have learned that he really is my soul mate. But I also learned that I do crave things, that as a male, he can’t give me. That doesn’t make me a bad person, it just makes me more complicated than most people.

You would think by my age, I would know everything about myself that I needed to know. You would be wrong. I learn new things all the time. People teach me new things constantly.

It’s been kind of interesting to see how my moral compass has changed. At first I said that I would not have any kind of experience with another woman because it would be cheating. But then I had one. I don’t think of it as cheating because I had my husband’s permission, and I told him about it.

Would most people consider that adultery? Probably. It is certainly bending the “rules”. Do I feel guilty because of it? Not at all. Will I go to hell for it? I don’t know, ask God.

I first bent the rules by having an online sexual fling. Then I fell in love with a man online. Then a woman online. I am more complicated than I appear at first glance. I’ve done damage to my marriage by my actions. I’m so grateful my husband is a forgiving person. And I am well aware that I don’t deserve him. But I am so blessed to have him.

So, back to the idea of me dating a woman. I’m 48 years old. I’ve been married 22 years now. I don’t want to “date”. I’m socially awkward. I’m shy, introverted and have social anxiety. Dating is torture. I don’t want to put myself through that again.

I’ve had unexpected people enter my life, and change it completely. I have learned that I am very capable of loving. I am not giving up on the idea of maybe finding a female companion, but I am not going to actively seek her. When I shut down my Ok Cupid account, I told my husband that I may want to revisit the idea some day. But for now, I’m content.

I have broken rules in my time. I have bent the rules too. But I know this, I don’t live my life by other peoples rules. I never really have. I don’t care what society says I should do. I do care what my husband’s opinions are. It may seem like I disregard them, but I don’t. I am just trying to find my way is a world that I am not familiar with. I am just trying to explore things that I didn’t have the chance to explore earlier in my life.

You may not agree with my actions, but you’re entitled to your opinions. I am entitled to live my life. As long as consenting adults are involved, does it matter if I am breaking or bending rules?

 

 

Bisexual rollercoaster

It’s amazing how many years I lived in ignorance. I thought that gay rights had nothing to do with me. I was so wrong. It does mean something to me. It effects me directly.

Accepting that I am bisexual came in waves. First I had to admit that I was attracted to women. I had to admit that I wanted to have sex with women. I had to say it out loud. I had to tell the people in my life.

I had to accept the facts that came with coming out. I am not straight. Sounds simple, right? Being attracted to women meant that I wasn’t what I thought I was my entire life. I am not straight. I am bisexual. The fact that I have not had a relationship with a woman is not relevant. The attraction is what defines a person’s sexuality.

In accepting my sexuality, I realized I had a lot of learning to do. I learned that people are killed for being gay/bi. Why? What are people so afraid of? When it hit me that I could literally be put to death for being who I am, it felt like I got punched in the gut. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t choose it. God made me this way.

When I came out, one sister told me I had the devil in me. Another sister called me a sinner. My brother unfriended me on Facebook. All because I am attracted to women. I’m afraid to tell my mom. I couldn’t handle her rejection.

One of the things I learned, was that bisexuals don’t fit in anywhere. We aren’t straight. And we aren’t gay. Bisexual women get treated like sex objects. We’re here to provide men with that elusive sexual thrill of a F-M-F threesome. Yeah, no.

Bi phobia is a very real thing. We are told that we’re confused. It’s a phase. We’re greedy. We can’t be faithful. We spread diseases. We are told we have to have sex to prove we’re bi. We’re told that we’re gay. We’re told we’re straight if we’re in a heterosexual relationship. I was flat out told that I wasn’t bi when I came out to a friend. Who are they to decide what I am? I got called a fake gay, and that I only say I’m bi because I’m seeking attention.

I was told by my husband that I could have a girlfriend. Yeah, right. Reality hits when you’re allowed to do something. I have no experience. I’m married to a man. I couldn’t offer a woman much. Lesbians don’t want to date bisexual women.

************************

I found this post in my drafts file. I don’t know when I started it. I actually went on a few dates with women. I met them both on Craigslist. I had a sexual encounter with the first one. She let me play with/suck on her breasts. I fingered her until she came.

We hung out a few more times after that, but it was never meant to be. I’m grateful for the one experience, but the other hassle just wasn’t worth it.

I talked to the other woman for about a week. We met and talked. She hugged me, but told me that she didn’t think anything physical would come of it. I was ok with that, because I wanted a friend more than anything. But she quit talking to me. I am not in the mood to chase anyone, so I let it go.

I signed up for Ok Cupid. That lasted about 24 hours. My husband wasn’t happy that I did without talking to him first. And he got very upset that a couple checked out my profile. (They didn’t contact me)

I decided that my husband, and my marriage, were more important than having a relationship with a woman. I tried, and I failed. No point in beating a dead horse.

I have fallen in love three times. Each time, that love came to me. I never went looking for it. I know that I can not have a relationship with two of them, but I still love them.

I will be honest, and say that I want a relationship with one of them. I love her. I wish she could be my first female lover. I wish she could be my only female lover. That is impossible, and I know that. Frankly, I’d rather give up on the idea of girlfriend because I can’t have her.

I feel like an idiot. I crave someone I’ve never met in person. I’ve talked to her online, and on the phone. I’ve seen pictures of her. But I’ve never hugged, or kissed her. I’ve never been close enough to inhale her scent. I’ve never touched her skin. And I want to.

I ask myself why do I feel that way about her. Why do I care so much? I don’t know. I just know that when I am wanting the touch of a female, I know it’s her touch that I want. And I know that I can never have it.

I hate this. I wish I didn’t feel this way about her. She is married, and totally off limits. I’m married, and I should be off limits. But, by some fluke of fate, I fell in love with her. She’s beautiful. She’s so strong, but so vulnerable. She would make me feel safe, but I would want to protect her.

I hate myself sometimes. I am married to a wonderful man. He’s not perfect, but he’s pretty damn close. He loves me without reservation. He loves me in spite of all my flaws. I love him so much. He is my soul mate, and I would be lost without him. But I love her too. It makes me happy, and it breaks my heart too.

I love David. But I also love her. That makes me angry at myself. How can I love her like that? Why can’t I give him 100% of my heart? I can’t, because there is a part of me that loves her for the female she is. I have a heart that holds more love than most people can comprehend. It doesn’t make much sense, but that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.

I used to think that I was an uncomplicated person. I know that isn’t true. I’m honest to a fault. But my heart doesn’t believe in simple. The love for my husband is uncomplicated. It makes all the sense in the world.

I love a man 18 years younger than I am. He’s a different race, comes from a different background, and has different views from mine. It is complicated. But it is also simple. I fell in love with his personality. We fight, and we disagree, but there is a bond we have that won’t easily go away. We were never meant to be together, but we were meant to meet. I will always love him as a friend.

I love a woman close to my age. She is similar to me in some ways, and totally different in others. She is a protector by nature, but I feel so protective towards her. I wish it was possible to have her in my life, but that is impossible. I honestly don’t know if I will ever even get to speak to her again. That doesn’t even matter. She will always be in my heart.  She’s the one I picture when I imagine that mythical “girlfriend”.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just know that I was on YouTube, and watching music clips from the show, Glee. Some of the songs made me think of the way I felt about her. She is the Shakespearean drama in my life.

Me loving the online guy was weird, but it makes sense. I needed him. I think he needed me. No, we weren’t ever meant to be a couple, but we were meant to love each other.

Me loving her is a mystery. Why did she suddenly start talking to me a year after the first time I talked to her on Twitter? Why did she feel comfortable opening up to me? She was basically my first sexual interaction with a female, even if it was only with words. I liked it. I liked the way she made me feel. I love her.

Honestly, there was no way I could help falling in love with her. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s sexy. She draws people to her like a magnet, but she doesn’t see why. I know she can’t have me in her life, but damn it, it makes me smile to know that she cares about me too.

My life is not simple. God made me bisexual. God gave me the ability to love several people. I’ve had many people touch my life. Some people have loved me, even when I could only love them as friends. I have loved, and been loved back. I saw something that said, “I am hard to love, but I love hard.” That’s true. My love may not make sense to everyone, but it makes sense to me.

There are times when I wish that I wasn’t bisexual. I wish that my husband was the only person I love. But I am not like everyone else. I will love who I love. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else but me. Sometimes my emotions make me scream, and cry. Sometimes I think about them, and I just smile. I smile because I am blessed. ☺

 

 

Conflicted

When my husband and I were discussing the fact that I wanted to a date a woman, he couldn’t understand why. I said for the simple reason that I am programmed to be attracted to women as well as men. It wasn’t because he wasn’t providing me with the things I wanted. Well, in a way he wasn’t. He can’t be a woman.

I want a woman to cuddle with. I want to learn what it’s like to make love to a woman. I want to learn how to please a woman, and have her please me. I want a woman to hang out with.

I was being selfish wanting those things. Yes, it is part of my nature to crave them, but I have a pretty good marriage with him. It isn’t worth risking ruining what I do have, for an image in my head.

There are so many times that I wish that I wasn’t bisexual. It’s not a choice. I get angry at the fact that my desires conflict with my marriage vows. I get angry that I didn’t have a clue that I was bisexual when I was young, and had the opportunity to explore.

But I am bisexual. I love my husband, but I do want things he can’t give me. He has said I can date, and/or explore. But when that topic comes up, he gets defensive. He understandably doesn’t want to share me. When we got married, that wasn’t part of the bargain.

I can push for the chance to date, and part of me wants to. But the other part of me is happy having David as my husband. I honestly could not ask for a better husband.

It’s 2016, and I get told that this is a new era. Marriage isn’t as important as it used to be. My marriage is important to me. My husband is extremely important to me. No one will ever have my back like he does. So why can’t I be satisfied?

I don’t want another man. The thought of being sexual with another man does not interest me. (And yes, two years ago, I felt differently but I no longer have those feelings) I do want to get intimate with a woman. I’m not going to lie. I want that. But for now, I’m choosing to ignore those feelings.

I think my husband does want me to be happy. I think he might even be ok if I found that mythical friend with benefits. But he’d only be happy if it happened organically, but not by me actively looking for her. He has a problem with me answering ads, or putting myself on a dating site. And I get that.

I’m not going to lie. I am conflicted. I want what I want, but it goes against what he wants. I deserve to be happy, but I can’t be happy if it makes him miserable. Our marriage trumps the extracurricular activities I want to engage in.

Maybe one day I can figure out how to balance things out. Maybe one day I can find a woman who is willing to be a part of my life, without being the main part. I used to say that I would never get to experience anything, but I was wrong.

Life is often unexpected, and weird. I’m not going to actively seek out a female partner, but I will keep and open mind. Stranger things have happened.

 

 

 

Morals of dating/open marriage

So, a few weeks ago, I answered another  Craigslist ad. We hit it off online, but there was no spark in person. I mainly wanted a friend, with a possibility of benefits. She was also bisexual, and married to a man.

I didn’t see any problem with that arrangement. We both could have gotten the female companionship with craved, without damaging our marriages. It seemed simple enough, but didn’t work out.

But the experience made me think. Why was it ok for me to be involved with a woman married to a man, but I wouldn’t think of being involved with a woman married to another woman?  Why is one acceptable, but the other isn’t?

If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you’d know that I developed feelings for a lesbian I met online. I love her. But she is married to another woman, and I know she’s happy with her wife. I would not want to do anything to change, or jeopardize her marriage.

Why do I have respect for her marriage, but a woman married to a man is fair game? It is so hypocritical. I wouldn’t think of screwing around with another man, because I know it would kill my marriage to my husband. But I expected him to be ok with me being with a woman.

Morality has so many gray areas. A bi married woman was acceptable to me, but a lesbian married woman is not. There should be no distinction, but in my mind, there is.

How my mind works: A bisexual married would be in an open marriage, and be allowed to date another woman. A lesbian married woman would be breaking her marriage vows, and that is not acceptable.

I have been the other woman, and I ruined a marriage. I never want to do that again.

I joined OKCupid, for about 24 hours. I deleted it for several reasons. One of the reasons, was because it upset my husband when he saw that a married couple checked out my profile. Another reason, was because it made me uncomfortable putting myself out there like that. And the final reason, was I didn’t feel like I had anything to offer to another person.

I told my husband that I deleted my profile, and that I’m not interested in pursuing anything right now. But I also told him that I might revisit the idea at a future time. For a time, I had myself convinced that I could have a husband, and a girlfriend. Now, I’m not so sure.

I do have an amazing husband. I know he loves me. He has dealt with so much from me in the last 2 1/2 years. I want female companionship, but not at the expense of his peace of mind.

When we had the discussion about OKCupid at first, he wanted me to delete it. I suspended the account. But I kind of had a melt down about it. I wanted to keep it. He reluctantly agreed to let me keep it. But the very next morning, I made the decision to just delete it. (After answering 450 questions, that was not easy)

I have a good marriage with him. Yes, I could manipulate him into agreeing to me dating a woman, but it just doesn’t feel right.

I was raised believing that we only have one person for us. I know that I can love more than one person romantically. But I know that at this present time, I can’t be in a romantic relationship with more than one person. There may be a woman out there who would be agreeable to being a friend with benefits to a married woman, but I am not looking right now.

This doesn’t mean that I am straight, it just means that I am not willing to further damage the marriage I have. I have a friend who tells me that you can have it all, the spouse and a same sex FWB. It is called an open marriage. It sounds appealing, but I don’t think I’m ready for all the ramifications that would bring. I may never be ready. I am going to continue to work on me. Besides, every time I’ve fallen in love (3) the love more or less showed up.

I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I may never get to fully explore the same sex attraction. And I will learn to deal with that. Maybe we can have everything, and maybe we can’t. I’m not clairvoyant, so I will just have to wing it.

 

OkCupid is not so OK

Yesterday, I signed up for OK Cupid. Today, I deleted my account. Yesterday, I talked to David about it. He wasn’t happy because a couple had clicked on my account. I asked him his opinion on me having the account. He didn’t like it.

I kind of had a meltdown. I cried. We talked about it. I had disabled the account at his request. But after we discussed it, I opened it back up again.

But when I woke up this morning, I decided to just delete it. I don’t need to be on there. I’m a married woman, and I need to act like that.

My urges, and desires are not going to go away. They’ll still be there. I just need to not focus on them. Yes, I am denying myself something I want. But we can’t always have what we want.

I’m 48 years old, I don’t want to be dating. What can I offer, anyway? The chance to be a married woman’s side chick? I wouldn’t accept that for myself, so why would expect someone else to?

I didn’t delete the account because my husband wanted me to. I deleted it because I don’t want it. I’m not ready for that. I don’t feel like posting myself on a meat market site.

I need to work on me first. I need to work on my marriage. Some people can make an open marriage work. Some people can handle polyamory. I can’t. At least, not right now.

I think that part of my motivation for signing up was for new experiences. It was for something to write about. That was a lame motivation. If I’m not committed to the idea, then I don’t need to be doing it.

I did hesitate before deleting it. I did think about just disabling it for a while to think about it. But there isn’t a need to think about it. I just flat out don’t want to be dating. It sucks. Rejection sucks.

I have my soul mate. I love him, and he loves me. No, he isn’t a female. I still want that experience, but I also want to be able to live in Paris. We can’t have everything we want.

I have tried dating women. It hasn’t worked out. Maybe two isn’t a great amount, but I did try. I’m not ready to try again. Maybe things will change. Maybe I might be ready some day. I just know that I am not ready at this point in time. I need to work on me.

 

What the hell am I doing?!?

I can’t believe I did this, but I signed up for OkCupid. It was strange enough answering an ad on Craigslist. (I really like her, but there’s no chemistry, so friends it is) Why am I doing this?

I really am not sure why. I don’t have the courage to actually reply to anyone. Well, I did message one woman, and tell her I liked her profile picture. She’s a BBW, and rocking a bikini. But I can’t approach someone with intentions of dating them. Ugh.

Who knows? Maybe I’ll get some good experiences from it. If nothing else, I get new material for my writing.

 

 

A new adventure

Well, I conquered one fear. I drove 40 miles by myself, and crossed a bridge. That may not seem like a big deal to some people, but it is to me. 

While I was crossing the bridge, the thought popped into my head that I hope she’s worth it. But I already know she is worth it. 

I feel like I’m about to embark on an adventure. I have no idea what will happen, but I’m excited to find out. 

Butterflies in my stomach

My stomach is in knots. I will be meeting her in a few hours. That’s enough for the jitters, but I also have to drive 40 miles to get there. Ugh.

I just asked David is he really was ok with this. He said yes. His comment was that she would get me primed, and I’d come home and jump him. That really is a possibility.

This could literally be a life changing event for me. I know that I’m bisexual, I have no doubts about that. I want this, but I’m also afraid. I also think that it was meant to happen.

I’m afraid, but I have to do this. If nothing else, I get a friend out of the deal. If we click, it will be much more than that. I’m excited too. The impossible could very well happen. Like someone told me, never say never.

I know that society says this isn’t right. I’m supposed to have only one partner. But who says we have to live by the rules? We’re all adults. If we can agree to it, why not?

Well, time to get this show on the road. I’m having lunch with my husband, then heading out. Wish me luck.

Opinions on dating while married

It’s kind of interesting getting people’s opinions on being married to a man, but dating a woman.

I’ve been told they don’t understand (and that’s understandable).

I’ve been asked if threesomes were in the future (most emphatically, NO!).

That I was breaking my marriage vows (technically, yes. But I have permission)

I been told they don’t understand how I can say I love my husband, but choose to look elsewhere too. (Frankly, he’s not a woman, and I want to explore that part of me)

She asked me what I wanted out of it. I want the companionship of a female. It may just only be friendship, or maybe it may be much more. But I want both the mental, and the physical connection. I already feel a mental connection. We will have to see on the physical.

******************************************

The thought of the physical part is scary. I have not been naked in front of anyone other than my husband in over 23 years. I asked her if she knew I was big, and she said, of course. She’s willing to see what happens. I have so many flaws, that I’m afraid I’ll chicken out.

I could be getting way ahead of myself here. We could end up as friends. Since I do want a friend, I am ok with that. Do I want sex? Yes, but the thought of it is mind boggling. I have no idea what to do. I only have one single experience with a woman.

I asked a male friend how to go down on a woman. He gave me a few tips. One of them being, don’t bite. Yikes. I have a weird compulsion to bite when I get aroused. Not hard, just nips. Not a good thing when in such a sensitive area.

It’s almost 2am, and I should be asleep. I have a 40 mile trip to go meet her. The distance is going to play a part in this. Ironically, both of us have a fear of bridges. And we live on opposite sides of a wide canal. I’m going to conquer my fear, and do this.

When I came out on Facebook two years ago, I said I was bi, but because I’m married, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a woman. That may change tomorrow.

However this turns out, it will have a big impact on my life. I think having her in my life will be a positive thing. I am looking forward to discovering what will happen.

Changes

My date is tomorrow. I am both excited, and nervous. I have a feeling that my life is going to change dramatically. And for the better. 

She is so much like me. She’s the same age. She has the same phobias even. But because I want to meet her, I’m willing to travel alone, and cross a bridge. So already she’s been good for me. 

I need to get out of my comfort zone. I need to go new places, do new things. I need this. 

Even if we just end up as friends, we can both benefit from it. If I can call her my girlfriend, I’d really like that. 

Everyone always says that New Year’s crap of “New Year, new me” but I think that’s true for me. Life is an adventure, and I’m going to enjoy it. 

You can keep your opinions

There is a good chance that in a few days, I might actually have achieved what I thought was impossible. I might have a girlfriend. And by doing that, I will simultaneously have a husband, and a girlfriend.

I am well aware that I will be judged for this. But it’s my life. As long as my husband can deal with it, and she’s ok with it, no one else’s opinion is important.

What is important, is that I love my husband. I am not dissatisfied with him. He’s not a woman, and I want to experience being with one.

I’m not going to lie, and pretend that the possibility of sex isn’t a draw here. That is part of the attraction. But I like what I have learned about her. I would be happy just being friends.

When I married David 22 years ago, I meant my vow of forsaking all others. But I am not the same person I was 22 years ago. I finally accepted that I’m bisexual. And I just want the opportunity to explore.

I want a relationship with a female. I don’t want random hook ups. I don’t want just sex. I want the silly, sappy stuff like just cuddling.

Not everyone can understand the idea of an open marriage, or a polyamorous relationship. I know that I can love more than one person. I have so much love to give. If we can make it work, it could be pretty awesome.

There are so many factors in play here. The most important one is chemistry. But logistics will matter. Our spouses will matter. What doesn’t matter is the opinions of people not involved.

You can think I’m immoral. You can think I’m cheating. You can think anything you want to think. Those thoughts do not matter to me. I am not unhappy with my husband. I just think I could be happier with her companionship.

Life can either feel like a prison, or it can feel like an adventure. I am not going to shackle myself because someone might think I’m doing something bad.

It is my life. I take my husband’s feelings into consideration. I take her feelings into consideration. I don’t know what will happen. It could be something incredible. And why should I deny myself that because someone disapproves?

A big step

My motto in life is, Do no harm, but take no shit. My favorite saying is, Life is weird. I did the typical thing of meeting a man, falling in love, and getting married. I love my husband dearly, but what I didn’t realize that I was/am bisexual.

I couldn’t accept that fact until two years ago at the age of 46. It took me over four decades to accept myself for what I am. I am attracted to men, and to women. Since I didn’t know this when I was single, I never got to explore that part of me.

So, at 46, and married for 20 years, I came out as bisexual. That opened a huge can of worms. I finally admitted my attraction to women. I finally admitted I wanted to be intimate with a woman.

I have been in a monogamous relationship with my husband since 1993. He was all that I wanted. But then, I gave myself the freedom to want more. But how could I do that since I am married?  Society tells us that we can only love one person at a time. I learned that wasn’t true. I love three people, although I can only be with one of them. The other two hold a special place in my heart.

One of the other people I love is a woman. She’s a lesbian I met online. I haven’t met her in person. That really doesn’t matter. I fell for her personality. She touches a part of my heart no one else does. I can’t ever be with her, and that’s ok. The important thing is, that she taught me that I can love a woman. That it is natural. The attraction is natural.

I have had many discussions about bisexuality with Rob, Kdaddy23. https://kdaddy23.wordpress.com/ He has become my Obi Won Kenobi where is comes to dealing with this. He told me that we don’t have to live by the rules society dictates to us. That we can love multiple people. That maybe there was a way to explore the same sex attraction, and still be a loving wife.

My husband has agree to let me date a woman. He obviously doesn’t want to share me, but he wants me to be happy. He does have a fear that I might want to leave, but that wouldn’t happen. He is my soul mate, and I can’t live without him. What I want is to be able to have some female companionship too.

Am I being selfish? Yes, without a doubt. He deserves a faithful wife. But I didn’t chose to be bisexual. I didn’t choose to have the cravings I do. I want to be able to explore. I had one experience last summer, but that was just an appetizer when I’m starving.

I met a woman online, I really like her. We are meeting in a few days. I don’t know how it will go. Maybe we just end up as friends, maybe it can be more. I am hoping for the more, but I’m not getting my hopes up.

If we hit it off, there is a chance I will have a husband, and a girlfriend. And that boggles my mind. Last year I said there is no way anyone would accept being a girlfriend to a married woman. Well, she’s married to a man too. It could work out.

In the two years since I came out, I first had to accept the attraction. Then I had to tell my husband, and try to get him to understand it. (He said he thought it was a phase when I first told him) He didn’t want to let me explore. He thought I should be happy as I was.

I wish I could be happy as I was, but I am the kid staring in the window of the candy store. I know I can’t have everything in there, but I would like a taste. Is that too much to ask?

I’m sure I’m being judged right now. Two years ago, I would be judging my ass off. But I’m learning that things are not always black and white, but literally a million shades of gray. I can’t live my life by everyone else’s morals.

My husband doesn’t want me to explore. I understand that. I actually wish sexuality was a choice, because I wouldn’t choose this. I wouldn’t be putting this extra strain on our marriage. But I can’t change who I am. I did convince him to let me try. I don’t know what will happen. It could be something wonderful. I could get my heart utterly smashed. I don’t know.

I am scared. This is a big step. I’ve never done anything like this before. But I know I have to try. I really like her. Maybe it was meant to happen. Maybe I had insomnia that night for a reason. I believe in fate, and I believe in serendipity.

I used to want to be normal, but I’m not. I never have been. I am different from everyone else. I have a tremendous capacity to love. I can love multiple people. I understand that there are different types of love. I understand that different people bring their own unique blessings to my life.

Another thing that I’ve finally learned, is that I can be a blessing too. Maybe I can be something positive in her life. She is literally everything I was hoping for. Maybe I can be what she needs.

Even if we just stay friends, I am good with that. I could use a friend. Whatever happens, I need to take this chance. I would regret it the rest of my life if I didn’t try. I am stepping into the unknown. I am taking a leap of faith. I’m looking forward to finding out what will happen.

 

New beginnings

I’m in one of those moods where I want to write, but I don’t have a topic. So many things are going on, but I’m not sure if I should talk about them, or if I even want to.

I do know that 2016 is already different. My life is changing. I took a chance, and answered a Craigslist personal ad. I did that once before, and went out with her a few times. I had my first sexual experience with a female with her. But there was no chemistry. I wasn’t sorry when she was no longer in my life.

I got a response to my email, and we’ve been messaging since then. I really like her, and we’re supposed to meet on Tuesday.  I am simultaneously both excited, and scared. What if she doesn’t like me? What if she does?  Can we make the 40 mile distance between us work?

I tend to over think everything.  I need to just relax, and let whatever happens, happen. If we click in person, great. Or maybe we just click as friends.  To be honest, I never thought I’d get to this point. But life is full of surprises.

A year ago, the idea of even going on a date with a woman seemed impossible. But, things have changed. My husband has given me the okay to try. He isn’t happy about it, but he wants me to be happy.

She asked me what I wanted out of it. I said I wanted a connection that was both mental, and physical. I want to learn what it’s like to be close to another female. I want the hand holding, kissing and making out.

I want the sex too. I want to caress soft skin. I want to play with breasts. I want to turn her on, and make her orgasm. Is that possible? I don’t know. I hope so. It all depends on the chemistry.

I’m going to have to conquer my self esteem issues. It’s funny, I know that I can arouse men without any problem, but I’m not sure about a woman. Well, I did get Misty to orgasm and squirt, but she said that it had been a long time for her.

I need to just quit thinking about it. But then again, I did think about it, and got turned on. I’m happy that I’m going to meet her, and terrified too. I really am a mess.

What am I getting myself into? This is all so foreign to me. I think it is for her too. We’re both married, and bisexual. I only have one experience to draw on, but at least I was successful that one time.

Well, I have something to look forward to. If nothing else, I can have a friend I like to talk to. Or maybe a girlfriend I can do more than talking to. I just have to wait, and see.

 

Moving forward

Well, it looks like 2016 might turn out to be a very interesting year. I have a date on the 5th. Let me back track a little bit. A few nights ago, I couldn’t sleep. I was talking to someone on yahoo messenger, and he decided to go to sleep. I was bored, so I was scrolling through the links on my laptop. I noticed the Craigslist one, just I clicked on it.

I haven’t been on Craigslist in months because I wasn’t looking for anything. But I decided to look at the W4W, purely for entertainment purposes. Or, so I thought. One ad caught my eye. She was my age, and the tag line was Friends first.

I read it, and my first thought was that I could have written that ad myself. I’m not looking for a hook up, I want a friendship with maybe some benefits. And it turns out, she’s also bi, and married.

I emailed her a semi detailed description of me. I included my Twitter name. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting a reply. I was pleasantly surprised to get one.

A few hours later, I got a new follower on Twitter. I didn’t know her name, so I wasn’t sure if it was her, but guessing by the Delaware accounts she followed, I was hoping it was. She tweeted at me a few times, and I liked her sense of humor.

She did confirm that it was her. I sent her a direct message, and we talked on there. I like talking to her. She’s intelligent, and funny. And that combo always gets me.

We both want the same things. I like her. There are all kinds of possibilities here. There is one snag though. She lives 40 miles away. I don’t know how that is going to factor into things.

Three days ago, I wasn’t looking for anything. Maybe I have found something now. Life is so full of new things.

 

 

 

Shut up, brain

It’s almost 3:30am here. I’m sitting in the dark, going through apps on my iPod. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t. My mind won’t shut up. 

I went to Misty’s house for the first time yesterday. I ended up helping her paint. That’s why she asked me over. 

She’s part of the reason I can’t sleep. I guess we’re friends, but can you be just friends with someone that you’ve had a sexual experience with? 

I would like something else to happen, but it seems unlikely. But I have learned that even unlikely things can occur. I never would have imagined doing what I’ve already done with her. 

In two years time, my life has been turned upside down.  I came out as bisexual. I fell in and out of love with two people. I’ve been on dates with a woman.  And I got to play with her, and make her orgasm. 

Those were all some pretty intense events in my life. Life is so strange. Like being completely wrapped up in someone, to letting go. Two years of being in love with someone, to just not not feeling that way at all anymore.  

I’m not in love with Misty. I had a sexual experience with her, but I’ve never needed to feel like I was “in love” to connect with someone physically.  

To me, love and sex are two different things. You can have one without the other. Although, having sex with the person you love is so much better.  

I wish my brain would just shut down, and let me sleep.  I don’t want to be thinking about things like love and dating. 

And really…I’m 48 years old, I’ve been married almost 22 years.  Why am I dating a lesbian?  Ugh. 

Life is an adventure.  You never know what can happen.  

Dating

On the Moovz app, I posted that I had a date yesterday. Early this morning, someone asked me how I was getting dates, and she couldn’t. She happens to be a very pretty lesbian in her 20s.

I told her that I replied to a Craigslist ad, and I asked Misty out. I’m not a very bold person, so doing either of things is not typical of me. (Although I had success when I asked my husband out 22 years ago.)

There was something about Misty’s attitude that struck me. I only replied with the intention of finding someone that maybe I could hang out with, and do things that David doesn’t want to do with me. We’ve been out three times.

I probably wouldn’t even call them dates if things hadn’t gotten sexual on the second time we met. But anyway, we had a very short lunch yesterday. If that was a date, it sucked. We were supposed to meet at 11, and she was 15 minutes late. I didn’t know she had to be at work at noon. So, at 11:45, she just left with a, “I gotta bounce”. Ugh.

I don’t have any idea of what’s going on, or what will happen. She sends mixed signals. I know she isn’t interested in a relationship, but she’s the one who made it sexual. Yes, I would like that to continue, but I don’t know if it will. And I don’t even know how to ask if it will.

I am really starting to sympathize with all the singles out there. How do you approach someone? Do you wait til they flirt, or smile at you? Do you take a chance, and text first? Do you try a second time?

I’m beginning to wonder why I’m bothering. But, honestly, she’s been good for me. Just being with her makes me leave my comfort zone. I like her, in spite of being late constantly. And yeah, the possibility of sex is a draw. I’m not going to lie. I didn’t expect that in the beginning, but now, it’s a “who knows?” type of situation.

I’m 48, and I think I’m dating a woman. How bizarre is that? These last two years have proven that I’m not old yet. And I still have more adventures ahead of me. I don’t know how to proceed with her. I’m winging everything. I’m learning as I go. But I have learned that if you don’t ask, the answer is always no.

I have a date…

I have a date tomorrow. I never would have imagined that I’d be married to a man (almost 22 years), and going out on a date with a female. But, I am.

I’m meeting Misty for lunch tomorrow before she goes to work. There is no chance of any “fun” stuff happening, but I just want to spend some time with her.

I’m still kind of baffled. In the past two years, my life has been a roller coaster. So many ups, and downs. Some of it has been fun, and other parts of it are terrifying.

This is kind of one of the terrifying parts. I haven’t dated in 22 years. I’ve never dated a woman before. I have no idea how things work. I am literally groping in the dark, just trying to connect with something solid to hold on to.

It seems as a woman, I would know what a woman wants, but I don’t know. It does not help that I’m shy, introverted, and have a mild case of social anxiety. Why am I putting myself through this?

Why do I even ask that? I want to do it because I like her. And I’m also hoping she’ll agree to teach me more things. I had fun the last time So, of course, I want to do it again.

My husband is ok with me going with her. I’m surprised at that, but I’m grateful for it. He doesn’t want to share me, but he understands that as a bisexual, I want things that he just can’t give me.

I suppose some people would consider me selfish. I did take the vow of “forsaking all others”. If I had known I was bisexual when I dated him, I would have chosen to say those vows, and mean it. I did mean them. But it took me 46 years to acknowledge that I’m bisexual. Part of me needs to explore.

Misty seems to be a good choice. She isn’t interested in a long term relationship with me. I’m just filling time until someone better comes along. And believe it or not, that works for me. I don’t want to get emotionally invested. I’ve never had a problem separating sex, and love.

I know this sounds strange coming from a woman who fell in love twice, with people online. People I’ve never even met in person. It seems that it’s easier for me to fall for words, and the part of their soul they chose to show me. In person, I see the flaws more easily.

But, I have a date. It seems bizarre, but it feels right too. If this is a friends with benefits deal, I’ll be happy with that. If it’s just a friends only deal, that works too. I can always stand to learn more.

I am married to my soul mate, but having a playmate isn’t such a bad deal either. I’m getting older, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t have more adventures along the way.

My second first time

I was just reading some of my old posts. I kept saying I couldn’t/wouldn’t have any experience with a woman. Well, guess what? I had my first experience last week. It was pretty unexpected. It was fun, and I enjoyed it. And my husband knows about it. Our marriage didn’t fall apart because I was with a woman.

I’m not sure if this means we have an open marriage now, or if this is polyamory. It is what it is. My husband is a strong man. He allowed me to be who I am. He let me explore without putting me on a guilt trip.

I have done alot of damage to our marriage, but we’ve survived. He seems to be ok with what happened. I wasn’t planning on it, or expecting it, but when the opportunity was there, I took it. I’m glad we talked about it way before it actually happened. He does not want to share me, but he doesn’t want to deny me something that I crave.

I got to do something I’ve wanted to do since I was ten years old. I got to play with breasts what weren’t my own. Seems like a simple thing, but it was a big deal for me. I liked it, and I want to do it again. I may not be able to, and it’s alright if I don’t get the chance again. I got to do it at least once.

I made a woman orgasm. I got her off. I made her squirt. Not bad for a first try. I asked her why she decided to do that with me. She said because she wanted me to have some experience that I wanted to have. I’m sure she didn’t mind the orgasm.

I am 48 years old. I only came out as bisexual last year. I had my first same sex, sexual experience. It felt natural. I didn’t feel like I was doing something unnatural, or “wrong”. I wasn’t cheating, because I had permission from my husband.

I’ve talked to other bisexual women who are married to men. They wish they had that kind of opportunity. I honestly never expected anything to happen. I’m not going to lie, and say that I didn’t wish something would occur. Because I wasn’t expecting it, I didn’t have the opportunity to stress about it, or over think it. It just happened.

I wish my first time could have been with someone I loved, but that wasn’t possible. But on the other hand, because it was casual, I am not allowed to over think it. I don’t get the chance to wonder “what it”. I got a woman off on our second date. A good time was had be all. I’ve never had a problem separating sex from love. Sex doesn’t require love to occur.

Sex with love is an awesome and special privilege. But it’s a rare occurrence. No emotional bond makes it easier to experience it, and move on. I’m not going to be heartbroken if I don’t get the chance to do it again. I’ll be disappointed, no doubt about that. But I won’t devastated.

I hooked up with another woman. It was incredible. I enjoyed it. I want to do it again, but I will live if it doesn’t happen. I am a married, bisexual woman. But I had my second first time. I got to experience something I only imagined. And to be honest, I was not disappointed.

Religion, and society tells us that you can only have one person of the opposite sex for the rest of your life. My heart tells me that I don’t need their rules. I have a wonderful man as a husband. I love him dearly. But he is not a woman, and he has let me have the experience of being with one.

My second first time was better than losing my virginity. They have things in common. They both happened on a summer night in August. Both times were in vehicles. And they both happened with someone I liked, but didn’t love. But this time…I enjoyed it. This time, I was turned on. This time, my focus was on what was happening, and not the lightning in the sky.

My second first time was fun. I liked it. I’m grateful Misty decided she wanted to let me have that experience. I’m hoping she wants to do more. I want it, but I’m fine if it doesn’t happen. Life is so weird, yet so full of unexpected things. I got to play with boobs, that is a major bonus for me. 🙂

What’s in a name?

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet”

Romeo and Juliet, by William Shakespeare

What is it with names? I hate being called pet names by most people. There are few people I allow to call me those. I am not one to have nick names either, they don’t come easily for me.

In my blog, I tend to use initials. But that becomes complicated when you have more than one person with the same initial.

I have been on two dates with a woman. The last one was very interesting. We may go out again on Monday, depending on her plans. I need a name for her, one that I can use to refer to her, but one that does not identify her. I won’t call her anything like sweetie or babe. Those things are for my husband only.

She’s not my girlfriend, so I can’t refer to her as such. So what do I call her? I came up with one. I’m going to call her Misty. Something (mist) that is visible, but not able to be held. It seems like an odd choice, but it’s fitting. She doesn’t want a “relationship” with a married woman, but I think a friends with benefits situation might work. At least I hope it does.

I wanted someone to hang out with, she has been that. But on Monday, things got intense. I’m not sure where things will go from there. She might be willing to hang out again on Monday.

She gave me my first sexual experience with a woman. I know she got off on it. I’m hoping she will be willing to let me explore more. I will be ok if that isn’t her choice, and wants to just remain friends. And I’d be happy if she’s willing to go for more.

But to me, she is now Misty. That’s my name for her. Misty to me makes me think of mystery, things kept hidden and barely glimpsed. Maybe that is all that I will get, or maybe I get to discover the mystery. I don’t know.

Just a few months ago, I assumed that I wouldn’t get the chance to do anything. But I answered an ad on Craigslist, because I liked her attitude.

I tend to get hung up on labels. So instead of thinking in terms of “girlfriend” or “friends with benefits”, she will be my Misty. There is no need to put everything in a neat little box. Frankly, I’d be happy with an occasional outing, or a booty call.

I’m not selling myself short, because I have an awesome relationship with my husband of 21 years. But he just isn’t a woman, and can’t give me everything I crave. I don’t want a full time girlfriend. I don’t want to have to pretend I’m in love when I’m not. I’m not a false person. So, a FWB thing works for me.

I’m not going to label her, because she’s a free spirit. She doesn’t belong to me. She may not even want to see me again. But I need a name for her, so Misty she shall be.

What’s the protocol?

I had my first sexual experience with a woman on Monday. I texted her the next day, and she basically just said hi. I texted her again on Wednesday, and we had a short conversation.

I’m not sure what the after hook up protocol is here. I haven’t had a hook up in 23 years. Do I keep trying to text her? Do I let it slide, and see if she wants to meet again? I have no idea.

To be honest, I’d like to meet up again. I want to explore more. And she said she likes being a person’s first.

Honestly, this is so bizarre for me. I have been married to my husband for 22 years. How the hell am I going on dates? And I’m even more surprised that he’s ok with it.

When I agreed to meet her for a movie, that’s all I thought would happen. And maybe we’d sit in the mall, and talk again. I wasn’t expecting anything that did happen. I was beyond surprised when she asked me if I wanted to do anything. I just remember staring straight ahead at the water, and wondering what to say. I wanted to do it, but I didn’t know how to react.Then she pulled her shirt up, and Game on.

When I answered her Craigslist ad, I was just looking for someone to hang out with…and maybe a little exploring. I wasn’t expecting to get the action I did get. I’ve had a goofy smile on and off all day. I made a woman squirt on my first try.

I’m 48 years old. I came out as bi last year. I honestly thought I’d never get to experience anything at all. I’ve had one experience, and I’d like to have more. Maybe I will, and maybe I won’t. Either way, I’m good with it. I got to play with breasts, and I made her cum.

So….what is the protocol after a hook up? Is it, “Don’t call me, I’ll call you”? I guess it’s wait, and see. She’ll probably hit me up when she doesn’t have anything better to do. And, I’m kind of ok with that. Casual works for me. I guess I just have to go with the flow.

Late night wondering…

It’s late at night/early in the morning. I clicked on Craigslist again. There was an personal ad from a woman. She’s slightly taller than I am, she’s a BBW and she’s pretty.

She talks about other ads, and how people have a shopping list of what they want in a woman. And what they can’t be. She believes in chemistry more than appearance.

I want to answer the ad, she sounds so appealing. But I can’t. I’m married. What woman would want to voluntarily become “the other woman”? I wouldn’t want to be in that position again, and I couldn’t expect someone else to do it for me.

I’m making excuses. I could answer the ad, and give her the choice. But I am afraid of rejection. But I’m even more afraid of falling in love again.

My heart has gotten pretty beat up in the last two years. I’ve had emotions I never dreamed were possible. I’ve been enjoying reconnecting with my husband, and letting go of surplus emotions.

I am so torn. I want what I want. I want a relationship with a female. But at the same time, the thought terrifies me. What if I fell in love again? I don’t want a hook up, but I don’t want to get deeply involved with someone either.

As usual, I will wimp out again. She could be a fun person to hang out with, but I’ll never know because I’m afraid to approach her.

Blah. I have a wonderful husband. I should be content with that blessing. I do know how rare it is to find a soul mate. But he’s not a woman. I want what I can’t (but could possibly) have.

At one time in my life, I thought maybe arranged marriages were the way to go. Because we have too many choices at times. I have a good man, but I also want a woman. Does that make me greedy?

It doesn’t matter what it makes me. Because, ultimately, I’m a wimp. I don’t have the courage to go after what I want. I use the excuse that I’m married, I don’t want to hurt my husband, or that I wouldn’t attract someone. But when it comes down to the truth, I’m just scared.

Chances are slim to none

I’m a late bloomer. I honestly did not realize that I was bisexual until I was 46. And I’m married to a man. So there is no likelihood of me having a girl friend.

I was reading an article on the difficulties of lesbians dating. And one of them was the that the dating pool is so small. Well, I’m bi, and not a lesbian, so the dating pool would be even smaller. It seems that lesbians in general don’t trust bisexual women. Like we’re just in it to play around, and will go back to chasing after men.

Some people just can’t handle the concept that some people can love another no matter what the body parts are, and that they can remain faithful to that person. I didn’t know I was bisexual when I was single. My life could be very different now if I had known. I might have fallen in love with a woman. I have learned that I can love a woman too.

Anyway, my original thought after reading the article was that I’m screwed if I ever tried to find a woman to date. I would have no clue what to look for, or what to avoid. I honestly can’t picture myself being attractive to someone else looking. I know I can turn guys on, but I have no idea how I would appeal to women.

These are just some of the random thoughts I have. Yeah, I would like to experience being with a woman. But I don’t imagine someone would be really thrilled to have a virgin of my age. And the fact is, I can’t because I am married. Ugh. I can’t say nothing will ever happen for me, but the odds are very high against it.  But honestly, I have no clue what the future holds.