bisexual, Uncategorized

Bisexual rollercoaster

It’s amazing how many years I lived in ignorance. I thought that gay rights had nothing to do with me. I was so wrong. It does mean something to me. It effects me directly.

Accepting that I am bisexual came in waves. First I had to admit that I was attracted to women. I had to admit that I wanted to have sex with women. I had to say it out loud. I had to tell the people in my life.

I had to accept the facts that came with coming out. I am not straight. Sounds simple, right? Being attracted to women meant that I wasn’t what I thought I was my entire life. I am not straight. I am bisexual. The fact that I have not had a relationship with a woman is not relevant. The attraction is what defines a person’s sexuality.

In accepting my sexuality, I realized I had a lot of learning to do. I learned that people are killed for being gay/bi. Why? What are people so afraid of? When it hit me that I could literally be put to death for being who I am, it felt like I got punched in the gut. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t choose it. God made me this way.

When I came out, one sister told me I had the devil in me. Another sister called me a sinner. My brother unfriended me on Facebook. All because I am attracted to women. I’m afraid to tell my mom. I couldn’t handle her rejection.

One of the things I learned, was that bisexuals don’t fit in anywhere. We aren’t straight. And we aren’t gay. Bisexual women get treated like sex objects. We’re here to provide men with that elusive sexual thrill of a F-M-F threesome. Yeah, no.

Bi phobia is a very real thing. We are told that we’re confused. It’s a phase. We’re greedy. We can’t be faithful. We spread diseases. We are told we have to have sex to prove we’re bi. We’re told that we’re gay. We’re told we’re straight if we’re in a heterosexual relationship. I was flat out told that I wasn’t bi when I came out to a friend. Who are they to decide what I am? I got called a fake gay, and that I only say I’m bi because I’m seeking attention.

I was told by my husband that I could have a girlfriend. Yeah, right. Reality hits when you’re allowed to do something. I have no experience. I’m married to a man. I couldn’t offer a woman much. Lesbians don’t want to date bisexual women.

************************

I found this post in my drafts file. I don’t know when I started it. I actually went on a few dates with women. I met them both on Craigslist. I had a sexual encounter with the first one. She let me play with/suck on her breasts. I fingered her until she came.

We hung out a few more times after that, but it was never meant to be. I’m grateful for the one experience, but the other hassle just wasn’t worth it.

I talked to the other woman for about a week. We met and talked. She hugged me, but told me that she didn’t think anything physical would come of it. I was ok with that, because I wanted a friend more than anything. But she quit talking to me. I am not in the mood to chase anyone, so I let it go.

I signed up for Ok Cupid. That lasted about 24 hours. My husband wasn’t happy that I did without talking to him first. And he got very upset that a couple checked out my profile. (They didn’t contact me)

I decided that my husband, and my marriage, were more important than having a relationship with a woman. I tried, and I failed. No point in beating a dead horse.

I have fallen in love three times. Each time, that love came to me. I never went looking for it. I know that I can not have a relationship with two of them, but I still love them.

I will be honest, and say that I want a relationship with one of them. I love her. I wish she could be my first female lover. I wish she could be my only female lover. That is impossible, and I know that. Frankly, I’d rather give up on the idea of girlfriend because I can’t have her.

I feel like an idiot. I crave someone I’ve never met in person. I’ve talked to her online, and on the phone. I’ve seen pictures of her. But I’ve never hugged, or kissed her. I’ve never been close enough to inhale her scent. I’ve never touched her skin. And I want to.

I ask myself why do I feel that way about her. Why do I care so much? I don’t know. I just know that when I am wanting the touch of a female, I know it’s her touch that I want. And I know that I can never have it.

I hate this. I wish I didn’t feel this way about her. She is married, and totally off limits. I’m married, and I should be off limits. But, by some fluke of fate, I fell in love with her. She’s beautiful. She’s so strong, but so vulnerable. She would make me feel safe, but I would want to protect her.

I hate myself sometimes. I am married to a wonderful man. He’s not perfect, but he’s pretty damn close. He loves me without reservation. He loves me in spite of all my flaws. I love him so much. He is my soul mate, and I would be lost without him. But I love her too. It makes me happy, and it breaks my heart too.

I love David. But I also love her. That makes me angry at myself. How can I love her like that? Why can’t I give him 100% of my heart? I can’t, because there is a part of me that loves her for the female she is. I have a heart that holds more love than most people can comprehend. It doesn’t make much sense, but that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.

I used to think that I was an uncomplicated person. I know that isn’t true. I’m honest to a fault. But my heart doesn’t believe in simple. The love for my husband is uncomplicated. It makes all the sense in the world.

I love a man 18 years younger than I am. He’s a different race, comes from a different background, and has different views from mine. It is complicated. But it is also simple. I fell in love with his personality. We fight, and we disagree, but there is a bond we have that won’t easily go away. We were never meant to be together, but we were meant to meet. I will always love him as a friend.

I love a woman close to my age. She is similar to me in some ways, and totally different in others. She is a protector by nature, but I feel so protective towards her. I wish it was possible to have her in my life, but that is impossible. I honestly don’t know if I will ever even get to speak to her again. That doesn’t even matter. She will always be in my heart.  She’s the one I picture when I imagine that mythical “girlfriend”.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just know that I was on YouTube, and watching music clips from the show, Glee. Some of the songs made me think of the way I felt about her. She is the Shakespearean drama in my life.

Me loving the online guy was weird, but it makes sense. I needed him. I think he needed me. No, we weren’t ever meant to be a couple, but we were meant to love each other.

Me loving her is a mystery. Why did she suddenly start talking to me a year after the first time I talked to her on Twitter? Why did she feel comfortable opening up to me? She was basically my first sexual interaction with a female, even if it was only with words. I liked it. I liked the way she made me feel. I love her.

Honestly, there was no way I could help falling in love with her. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s sexy. She draws people to her like a magnet, but she doesn’t see why. I know she can’t have me in her life, but damn it, it makes me smile to know that she cares about me too.

My life is not simple. God made me bisexual. God gave me the ability to love several people. I’ve had many people touch my life. Some people have loved me, even when I could only love them as friends. I have loved, and been loved back. I saw something that said, “I am hard to love, but I love hard.” That’s true. My love may not make sense to everyone, but it makes sense to me.

There are times when I wish that I wasn’t bisexual. I wish that my husband was the only person I love. But I am not like everyone else. I will love who I love. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else but me. Sometimes my emotions make me scream, and cry. Sometimes I think about them, and I just smile. I smile because I am blessed. ☺

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Bisexual rollercoaster

  1. acquiescent72 says:

    Need to know basis! When kdaddy first mentioned that to me, it made perfect sense. I’m not volunteering information to some people, but I’m no longer going to deny it either.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Not all lesbians give women the cold shoulder (I don’t), but I know a lot who do. The main warning I usually received about dating bi girls was, “She’s just going to leave you for some guy.” Perhaps she would, but my lesbian girlfriend of 17 years left me for another woman. I don’t understand why being dumped for a man is somehow worse than being dumped for a woman. Getting dumped sucks regardless of gender or orientation.

    Sorry about your family, that’s really got to hurt. I hope things get better for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I guess for me, I assume that since I’m married to a man, no one would be interested in a part time relationship. It may happen, but I’m not going to go looking for it.

      Like

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