I haven’t posted much on here this year. My life has settled down. I turned 50 a few months ago, and I’ve had some health issues. The overwhelming desire to find a girlfriend/female FWB has faded. I would still love to find that mythical creature, but I’m not looking.
I quit misbehaving with men online. I don’t sext, or have phone sex. I do occasionally tell someone a story to help them get off. Maybe some people don’t see a distinction between that and sexting, but I do. I just lay out a plot, and I don’t include myself in the scenario.
After four years of being almost hyper sexual, it’s just not interesting, or fun anymore. There’s no point in getting worked up, if I can’t even give myself an orgasm. (Getting old sucks).
I still have sex with my husband about once a week. It’s weird that I don’t have a problem doing that, but having an orgasm through masturbating is too intense. It feels like my heart is going to explode. And given that I have an enlarged heart, that’s entirely possible.
My attitudes about many things have changed. I can’t lie, I still love J. I will always love him as a friend. But after four years, I am no longer in love with him. I know that I’ve said that before, and I meant it. But the feelings would come creeping back in. But now, I think that they are really gone.
I have finally accepted him for who/what he is, and not what I want him to be. He will never be that person. And I’m good with that. It was time to let go.
We have a bond that neither of us can explain. But it’s there, and it’s real. We need each other. He is my best friend. I have let go of the wanting a relationship, and fantasizing about what might have been. But it would devastate me to lose him as a friend.
I still love T. It’s funny, but I never really fantasized about having a relationship with her. I know, without a doubt, that she loves her wife more than anything. I would never want to do anything to harm that. It still blows my mind to think of the fact that she literally worked right across the street from me 30 years ago. So many “what ifs”.
Because things have settled down, I can focus on my husband the way I should be doing. Every day, I realize how lucky and blessed I am that he’s mine. I know that he will always have my back, and he would do anything in his power to protect me. And I know he loves me. I have never doubted that in almost 25 years.
I miss certain things. I miss the thrill of turning someone on, and getting them off. It was a power thing for me. I enjoyed making someone else lose control. And I miss being the one being controlled. I’m still a sexual person, it has just become more muted.
I have basically given up on the idea of ever experiencing sex with a female. That makes me sad, but it’s just something I have to deal with. I’m not saying that it will never happen, but it’s highly unlikely.
I cried the other night, thinking about being bisexual. Why did God have to make me this way? It was never a choice. And why did it take me 46 years to accept it? What good does it do me to learn that so late in life? It’s so frustrating.
It’s been 4 years since I came out, and I’m still adjusting. It upsets me to see how the world treats LGBT people. People literally want to kill me because I’m not straight. My husband asks why I even talk about it if that’s true. And I said because I won’t be silent just to make others comfortable. Maybe someone out there needs to hear my story, and know that they aren’t alone. Maybe it’s because I’ve always done my own thing, and I ignore what society says I should do.
Although I have changed in the last few years, I am still me. I don’t behave like I did. I don’t the compulsion for online sexual behavior. I am still a sexual person. I don’t have a problem talking about it, or discussing it. I’m not shy, and modest. Some people are offended by my honesty, and others appreciate. I just know that I live my life my way. I am what I am.