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Regrets

I am 50 years old now, and I have more than my share of regrets. I think my biggest regret was that it took 46 years for me to accept that I am bisexual. I didn’t suddenly become bi, it just took me that long to learn that the feelings I’ve had my entire life made it a fact.

Imagine not knowing such a basic fact about yourself like what your own sexuality is. I’ve always been attracted to other females, I didn’t know that not every female felt the same way. I didn’t know that what I felt about my fourth grade teacher was in fact a crush, and not just admiring her.

Facts…I am bisexual. One of my earliest memories was looking at a porn magazine, and liking the pictures of women. I didn’t know what sex was. I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to like seeing those women. I didn’t know that some people considered it “unnatural”. It felt natural to me.

Because I was also attracted to males, I didn’t feel weird. I didn’t think that I was odd. I looked at porn when I came across it (considering this was the 70s & 80s, I saw quite a bit for such a sheltered child)  I knew porn was supposed to be “wrong”, so I felt guilty about that, but not because I was looking at women.

I didn’t accept myself until I was 46. I had been married for 20 years at that point. A year after that, my husband agreed to let me explore. I’m sure in his mind, he thought there wasn’t a chance of me finding someone to explore with. I did go on a few dates with a lesbian I met on Craigslist.

That was a rather bizarre experience, mostly because she was a rather flaky person. But she did do one thing, she gave me my one and only sexual experience with another female. I got her off, but she didn’t touch me. I kind of still think of myself as a virgin when it comes to female sex. My fingering her was the equivalent to giving a blow job to a man. It is a sex act, but not actual intercourse.

So my regret stems from coming out so late in life. I didn’t get the chance to explore when I was younger, and not so self conscience. I’m 50, and going through menopause now. My body has changed. I don’t think I could ever relax enough to actually get naked, and have sex with a woman. I regret that I will not get to experience that kind of intimacy.

I am bisexual, and I crave that intimacy. I want to touch another woman. I want to snuggle with her. I want to be close, and be able to caress her. I want the stupid, and sappy things. Just because I am married to a man I love deeply, that doesn’t stop me from wanting those things. I am not greedy, and I’m not selfish. I am biologically wired to want those things.

I wish that I had known that I was bi when I was younger. But I don’t think I was mature enough to deal with it. I was raised in a religious household. I was heavily involved in church, and I went to a Christian college for two years. Even if I had known, I was too shy and introverted to even attempt to meet a woman for the purpose of dating.

There are times when I wish that I was still ignorant. I wish that I still thought that I was straight. Why did I have to learn it? I suppose that I needed to know. I fell in love with a woman. There is nothing I can do about that. I am married to my husband, and she is married to her wife. Why did that have to happen?

I think that is one of the most bittersweet events in my life.  I have the knowledge that I can love a woman in a romantic way. I also have the knowledge that all I can do is love her, and accept that it isn’t something that was meant to become a relationship. I can live with that.

The irony is, we both lived in Miami when I was in my early 20s. She literally worked right across the street from me. But I met her online 25 years later. There will always be that “what if” in my mind. Even if nothing happened, I wish I could have met her, and just have known her then.

I do have regrets that it took me so long to figure things out. But it wasn’t meant to happen sooner. I’m not sure why it had to happen at all. The knowledge has caused grief. It has caused problems in my marriage. It’s like showing someone a bakery window, but telling them that they aren’t allowed inside to try anything.

If I had accepted my sexuality in my youth, where would I be now? I most likely wouldn’t be around at all. I wouldn’t be married to my husband.

They say everything happens for a reason. I believe God made me this way.  So, at the very least, I don’t have an issue with believing it’s wrong or unnatural. I will just always wonder why it took me so long to come to terms with it.

Do I regret that I am bisexual? Sometimes I do. It has caused problems. It is troubling to know that there are people who would kill me because of it. It annoys me that people fetishize it, or think that my sexuality exists because it increases their chance of having a threesome.

I think I most regret the idea I will not get to experience being intimate with a woman. It’s not impossible for it to happen, but it’s extremely unlikely. I have regrets, but they are about things that can’t be changed now. Maybe things will change, but for now, I just have to be content with how things are.

 

 

 

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Why it happened

I wonder all the time why things happen. I fell in love with a friend online. It’s been painful, for me and for my husband. Couldn’t the end results have happened if we had stayed friends? I doubt it. He needed to know that he was capable of being loved unselfishly. I needed him to unlock the part of me that was hidden out of sight for my entire life.

It’s been three years since I discovered I fell in love with him. I was in shock when I first realized it. I didn’t think it was possible to love more than one person. Heaven help me, I have discovered I can love more than two people at once.

Because of him, it pushed me to realize certain things. And those things pushed me to accept that I am bisexual. Sometimes I get angry. I wish I didn’t talk to him, that I didn’t fall in love with him, and that I wasn’t forced to face my biggest secret. I wish I could have stayed ignorant. Why did I have to know?

But I did know then. And one of the ways I deal with things, is to talk about it. So I came out on Twitter. Then I started blogging about it. I came out on Facebook.

Coming out was simultaneously both easy, and incredibly difficult. I lost people I thought were friends. My own brother unfriended me on Facebook. My sister told me I had the devil in me.

When I told my oldest nephew, his response was that he loved me no matter what. I cried. I had actually been shaking when I told him. I was so relieved to get his response.

Since I began to talk about being bisexual, it caught some people’s attention. One happened to be a lesbian who followed me on Twitter. She began talking to me. It didn’t happen right away, but it happened, I fell in love with her too. I know how it happened, but I’m still not sure why. For me, it happened because she’s an amazing woman. I think the “why” is because I needed her. I think, in a way, that she needed me to. Because I could relate to her, I was easy to talk to.    I love talking to her.

I still don’t know why so many things have happened to me. I don’t know why I have the personality I do. I get to be shy, introverted and have social anxiety. I have an extremely hard time talking to people in public. It makes it difficult for me to find a job. I almost always have disastrous interviews.

I hope one day I can figure out why it all happened. I will have the knowledge of why I had to fall in love with a guy 18 years younger than I am. I will learn why I fell in love with a woman as well. But, maybe there is no reason. Maybe it’s a string of random coincidences. I think the answer I want most of all, is after so many years of being ignorant, why did I have to realize I am bisexual? I want to know why it matters.

 

 

 

 

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Rage against idiots

I was filled with rage today. My sister texted me. She told me that our sister in law told our mother that our nephew, Ryan, was gay. She said our mom’s face turned white, and she was upset.

She said that the sister in law also told our mom about the abuse Ryan endured at the hands of the bastard he called a step father. My sister went on to say that Ryan being gay was because he was abused by his step father. And that the devil has a way of breaking down morals.

I snapped, and told my sister to keep her opinions to herself because I don’t want to hear them. What kind of bullshit is that? He’s gay because his stepfather was a monster??

You can’t argue with narrow minded bigots. So I just quit talking to her. I am not going to live my life being told I have the devil in me. I have my own demons, and they have nothing to do with me being bisexual.

It’s sad to know my own family members are so homophobic. And they wonder why I don’t want to speak to them. I have been having a hard time lately, dealing with life in general. I don’t need toxic people in my life, even if they are blood. So I have to walk away to save my sanity.

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I’m bi, not queer

My name is Ellen, and I’m bisexual. I’m not gay, and I’m not queer. Lea DeLaria from Orange is the New Black thinks everyone non heterosexual should label themselves as queer. I don’t feel comfortable with that.

It took me until I was 46 to accept that I’m not straight. I actually cried when it finally hit me that I wasn’t heterosexual. That I am different. That I could be killed just for the fact that I am also attracted to women as well as men.

I am not gay, because I am attracted to men. I don’t like the term “queer”. It has a negative connotation for me. It’s just a label, but I don’t feel like it suits me.

In all reality, the term pansexual would probably suit me best. I fall for hearts, not parts. But it’s hard enough dealing with people’s reaction to bisexual. At least that they can comprehend that easier.

I’ve been told I have the devil in me. I’ve been told I’m a sinner. I’ve been told the person “doesn’t believe in that” (like I’m a figment of my own imagination)

I don’t really like labels. I have never fit well in boxes. I call myself bisexual, because I am attracted to males and females. I honestly don’t understand all the gender labels out there, so I’m not going to get nit picky about things.

I’m not heterosexual, but I’m also not queer. I’m not a label, I’m just me. Anyway, I don’t really find queer to be offensive, I just don’t think it me. I guess that technically it is, because I’m certainly not normal.

 

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bisexual, dating, infidelity, marriage, Uncategorized

I have a story to tell…

I have a story to tell. It’s not my story, but I am part of it. When I came out as bisexual in January of 2014, I decided to use my blog as a way of coping with it. I read some very interesting posts on bisexuality. I also met, Rob/Kdaddy23.

Rob became my mentor. He explained so many things to me. He helped me figure out some stuff. And he made me realize that maybe I could have a husband, and a girlfriend. He explained that there has to be rules. Things needed to be agreed on. But it is possible to have a somewhat open marriage.

Personally, I haven’t had much luck when it came to dating. I did go on a few dates, and got to have one sexual experience. My husband says it’s ok for me to explore, but balks at me actually looking.

So, that’s a little background info on me. One day I was on Whisper. And this guy messaged me. I will call him Max. He tells me that his wife is bisexual. She has never experienced being with a woman. She wanted to, but wanted to be faithful to her husband.

So, here’s kind of the surprise element. He wants his wife to explore her sexuality. He wants her to find a woman to be with. He asks me how to convince her.

I honestly don’t remember that I told him. But I did say it’s not cheating if she has permission. If he agrees to it, then it could happen.

I did point out several things to him that he hadn’t considered. Like where could she find this woman? Where would they have sex? Would the woman be introduced to family, and if so, as what? How much family money could be allocated for dates/hotels.

I also warned him about jealousy. This would be something he was not a part of. Threesomes would most likely not be a thing.

Well, he talked to his wife. She decided to go for it. She got on OK Cupid, and immediately started talking to woman. And…..found a date for that night. Max was rather stunned. He was not expecting things to move that fast.

I told him for safety’s sake, get the woman’s name and phone number. And tell him to have his wife text him to let him know where she was.

Well, the date went well. And his wife decided to spend the night with her at a hotel. That went well too. Max was kind of giving me play by plays throughout the night. He was feeling the effects of the jealousy I warned him about.

When his wife got home. she smelled of the other woman. That turned him on. They ended up having sex that morning, and that made him happy.

At first, when Max and his wife were figuring out the rules, it was to be no sex in the homes. But the women decided that they wanted to be at home. So the rules were changed.

So, the two families met, and got along. The relationship was explained to the kids. The other husband, and children went home. The women went to the couple’s bedroom. Max slept in the guest bedroom.

Things moved very quickly. The women clicked. Max likes the other husband, and the families get along. That is their story.

Me? I’m suffering from extreme jealousy. I’ve been looking for a year, and couldn’t find anyone who evens wants to hang out with me, much less have sex. But this isn’t my story.

I asked Max if this would have happened if he hadn’t talked to me. He said it wasn’t very likely. So, two women I have never met, and will never meet, had their lives changed because of my conversation with Max. I helped a man convince his wife to find a female lover.

That makes me feel kind of odd. They were my words, but honestly, most of the thoughts came from my conversations with Rob, https://kdaddy23.wordpress.com/

Things seem great at this early stage. The families are getting together again soon. I’m happy for them, and yet I still suffer from jealousy. I can’t help it. I’m happy for them. It seems like they hit a home run the first time at bat. So, I need to remove my emotions from this. This is their story, but it wouldn’t have had a start if not for me. But it is my story to tell.

 

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Uncategorized

My (bi)sexuality

Trigger warning: possible molestation

 

I have a vague memory that is very uncomfortable. I was a young child, about 4 or 5. I know it was when I was living on the air force base in South Carolina. I remember being in a wooded area with three boys. I remember them looking at my genitals. I can’t remember if I was forced to do that, or if I did it willingly.

I honestly don’t even know if it’s a real memory or not. Could it have been in a movie I saw? I really don’t know.

I remember my grandfather coming to visit my family when I was about 8 or 9. He would trap me between his legs, then rub his stubble on my face. I hated it, I always tried to get away. I think he got aroused by my struggling. To this day, I hate the feel of stubble touching me. I won’t even kiss my husband if he hasn’t shaved.

It’s also very possible I was molested by my oldest sister’s first husband. I showed signs of being molested. I was too precocious. At 8 years old, I played “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours”. I let a boy look at me under the desks in third grade. He pulled his dick out for me to look at. I was 8. That same year, the boy across the street asked me if I wanted to have sex. I said no. Again, I was 8.

I think the one thing that keep me from self destructing, and sleeping around was the fact that I was very involved with church. I am so grateful for that. Although I had grown men hitting on me at an early age, I had something to fall back on.

I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 23. That was by choice. I had plenty of opportunity, but I said no. I didn’t plan on losing it then, but I was being stalked, and I made the choice to do it with someone I liked, instead of being forced.

My sexuality is a complicated thing. I had signs of being bisexual as early as 5. I had no clue that it meant I was different from other females. It took me 46 years to come to terms with that part of me.

I sometimes envy people who knew what they were at an early age. I wish I could have explored the same sex attraction when I was young, and single. But I wasn’t mature enough to deal with it then. Given my religious background, it might have pushed me over the edge.

I am now almost 49. I’m still learning about myself. I do know that there is no doubt that I am bisexual. I’ve had one sexual experience with a woman, and that did remove any doubts in my mind.

I’ve been accused of talking about my sexuality for attention. That I live my life on social media. Maybe I do. But writing for me is therapy. Sometimes seeing things in words on a screen helps me put things into a better perspective. Also, there may be someone who needs to hear what I say.

My sexuality is not a simple thing. I kept part of me hidden so long, I don’t know who I am right now. I am attracted to men, and to women. But, it seems that the older I get, I am more attracted to women. Very ironic considering I can’t act on that attraction.

I have noticed that many women tend to come out later in life as lesbians, and bisexuals. They say sexuality is fluid. But wonder if hormone changes in women have an effect on that. The same sex attraction has always been there for me, I just ignored it because I was attracted to males as well. I met my soul mate when I was 25.

But I also fell in love with a woman when I was 47. I had crushes on women as a kid, but this is not a crush, or an infatuation. I love her. I accept that I can’t be with her, but that doesn’t change my feelings. But I had to accept my sexuality before that could happen.

I’m not sure why that childhood memory surfaced. I’m not sure what it has to do with who I am not. But everything is tied together. It’s all a part of what I am. Maybe if I had a clue that being bisexual was a real thing, maybe I could have accepted it earlier. I’ll never know.

I talk about sex often. Some people enjoy that because it’s rare for a woman to be so open about it. Maybe I’m inappropriate because I didn’t learn boundaries that I should have learned. Again, I don’t know.

But, I am what I am. I can’t change that. I never changed my sexuality, I just finally learned the truth. I never claimed to be straight, I just assumed that I was. But, I’m not, and never have been. I didn’t choose to be bisexual, I just finally learned to accept the truth.

 

 

 

 

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bisexual

Bending the rules

It’s almost 4AM, EST. I can’t sleep. For some reason, I started thinking about me abandoning the idea of having a girlfriend. There are many reasons why I decided to stop looking, but I think what has disappointed me the most, is that I lost the opportunity to write about the possible experiences I could have had.

One of the problems with me, is that I am too open and honest. If the other person is not fully out of the closet, then my attitude can cause problems. I’ve never really been IN the closet. I went from not having a clue, to announcing it to the world. I am married to a man, and I’m bisexual. I don’t have children that would be affected by me coming out. That I want to explore the female attraction bothers my husband, but he won’t forbid me to do it.

The fact that I am on Twitter, and I blog about being bisexual bothers some people. I’ve been told that I’m seeking attention, and that I live my life on social media. I do spend too much time online, but when I write, most often it’s because I am trying to figure things out in my head. Seeing my thoughts in print helps me to accept things.

But, I do have to admit that looking at the numbers is some kind of ego boost. As someone who has mostly been invisible for my entire life, having people pay attention to me is a sort of a drug. I don’t write to impress anyone, but it’s nice to know that people are interested enough to read my posts.

I don’t always have the urge to write, and other days I post several times in a day. Sometimes I just need to rant, and get things out of my system. Sometimes I’m being passive aggressive. I say what I want to say to someone, without telling them directly.

Some days, something in particular strikes a chord in me. It could be a response to something I saw on Facebook, or Twitter. It could just be a meme I have in my download files. Sometimes I just want to tell a story.

Every so often, I read through my older posts. It’s kind of interesting how my thought processes have changed. I went from coming out as bi, to wishing I could have a girlfriend and to saying it could never happen. But then I actually went on a few dates with women. I had one sexual experience with a woman. So I learned that anything is possible.

I’m a pretty boring person. I don’t go out often. I don’t socialize in person. The idea of dating a woman intrigued me.  The reality of it wasn’t so great. The first woman was rude, and rather flaky.

The second one showed promise in conversation, but she shut it down once we met in person. She stopped talking to me. And that sort of hurt. I was really just wanting someone to hang out with. The possibility of sex wasn’t even an issue for me.

For a very short time (less than 24 hours) I had a profile up on Ok Cupid. It seemed exciting at first, but then it didn’t. It upset my husband because I didn’t discuss it with him first. And he was extremely upset that a couple checked out my profile. (They didn’t contact me)

Those profiles are designed so people can figuratively sell themselves. I’m a married woman who is often broke. I felt like I had nothing to offer. In the section “You should message me because” I couldn’t think of anything to put. Does it matter that I’m funny? That I like giving massages? Does it matter that I wish I had a woman I could do silly romantic things with? I don’t know.

I needed to step back. I’ve been told that I shouldn’t give up looking. I’m not giving up on the idea entirely, I’m just not actively seeking. I’ve fallen in love three different times, and each time, the people came to me. I know that literally anything is possible.

I grew up believing that we have only one soul mate. There is only one person to fulfill all our wants, and desires. I have since learned that I can love more that one person at a time. That different people can fill different needs. I learned that polyamory is a thing. I learned that some open marriages can work.

I’ve learned things about myself. I learned how much I do love my husband. I have learned that he really is my soul mate. But I also learned that I do crave things, that as a male, he can’t give me. That doesn’t make me a bad person, it just makes me more complicated than most people.

You would think by my age, I would know everything about myself that I needed to know. You would be wrong. I learn new things all the time. People teach me new things constantly.

It’s been kind of interesting to see how my moral compass has changed. At first I said that I would not have any kind of experience with another woman because it would be cheating. But then I had one. I don’t think of it as cheating because I had my husband’s permission, and I told him about it.

Would most people consider that adultery? Probably. It is certainly bending the “rules”. Do I feel guilty because of it? Not at all. Will I go to hell for it? I don’t know, ask God.

I first bent the rules by having an online sexual fling. Then I fell in love with a man online. Then a woman online. I am more complicated than I appear at first glance. I’ve done damage to my marriage by my actions. I’m so grateful my husband is a forgiving person. And I am well aware that I don’t deserve him. But I am so blessed to have him.

So, back to the idea of me dating a woman. I’m 48 years old. I’ve been married 22 years now. I don’t want to “date”. I’m socially awkward. I’m shy, introverted and have social anxiety. Dating is torture. I don’t want to put myself through that again.

I’ve had unexpected people enter my life, and change it completely. I have learned that I am very capable of loving. I am not giving up on the idea of maybe finding a female companion, but I am not going to actively seek her. When I shut down my Ok Cupid account, I told my husband that I may want to revisit the idea some day. But for now, I’m content.

I have broken rules in my time. I have bent the rules too. But I know this, I don’t live my life by other peoples rules. I never really have. I don’t care what society says I should do. I do care what my husband’s opinions are. It may seem like I disregard them, but I don’t. I am just trying to find my way is a world that I am not familiar with. I am just trying to explore things that I didn’t have the chance to explore earlier in my life.

You may not agree with my actions, but you’re entitled to your opinions. I am entitled to live my life. As long as consenting adults are involved, does it matter if I am breaking or bending rules?

 

 

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