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Bewildered bisexual

I wish sexuality was a choice. I am bisexual, and I didn’t choose to be that way. My first indication was at 5 years old, and I liked looking at a porn magazine I found. I knew it wasn’t something a child was supposed to be seeing, but the fact it was women didn’t bother me.

At 7, I was playing house with the girl next door. I was the ‘daddy’. I kissed her, and I liked it. Once again, I didn’t know that was something I wasn’t supposed to enjoy.

At 9, I had my first crush. It was on my fourth grade teacher. A young woman. I didn’t realize it was a crush then, but it was.

Through the years, I got my hands on a surprising amount of porn for someone so sheltered. Once again, I knew it was “wrong” because it was porn, but I didn’t think looking at women was wrong.

I had a number of indicators about same sex attraction, but I didn’t know that it meant I was bisexual. I thought they were feelings every female felt. I was wrong.

It took me until I was 46 years old to finally accept, and acknowledge the same sex attraction. I am attracted to women. I want to have sex with a woman. But, I am married to a man, and have been for 22 years. He gave me leeway to explore, and I did a little bit. I had one sexual experience with another female. I enjoyed it. But it was a one time thing.

I tried dating. That didn’t work out. I am not what most other females are looking for. It’s ironic, I have no problem attracting men. I do have a problem attracting women. I had an OK Cupid profile for almost 24 hours. I deleted it because it upset my husband, and I didn’t feel like putting myself out there like that.

Coming to terms with being bisexual is a continuing thing. It’s something I carry with me. I can’t help but look when I see someone who is attractive. For me, that could be a male, or a female. I saw a college girl wearing yoga pants today, I had to admire her butt.

I love my husband, and I have for 23 years. But I already know that I can love more than one person. That fact that I love another man, and a woman, does not subtract love from my husband. I’m not greedy, I just happened to fall in love with friends too.

I hate myself, because my feelings have caused my husband grief. I crave a woman. I want to touch, and be touched by one. I want to make love with a woman. I want what my husband can’t give me. I don’t want another male, but I do want a female.

Some people can have polyamorous relationships, but I don’t think that’s in the cards for me. I’m not young, and I don’t really have experience. And most people don’t want to get involved with a married person.

So, I’ve given up on the girl friend idea. I won’t say it will never happen, but it’s highly unlikely. I just decided to stop looking. But then again, I never looked any of the three times I’ve fallen in love, so I don’t know who will walk into my life. So, I’m no longer looking, but I’m open to whatever may happen. Life is full of surprises.

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