So, a few weeks ago, I answered another Craigslist ad. We hit it off online, but there was no spark in person. I mainly wanted a friend, with a possibility of benefits. She was also bisexual, and married to a man.
I didn’t see any problem with that arrangement. We both could have gotten the female companionship with craved, without damaging our marriages. It seemed simple enough, but didn’t work out.
But the experience made me think. Why was it ok for me to be involved with a woman married to a man, but I wouldn’t think of being involved with a woman married to another woman? Why is one acceptable, but the other isn’t?
If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you’d know that I developed feelings for a lesbian I met online. I love her. But she is married to another woman, and I know she’s happy with her wife. I would not want to do anything to change, or jeopardize her marriage.
Why do I have respect for her marriage, but a woman married to a man is fair game? It is so hypocritical. I wouldn’t think of screwing around with another man, because I know it would kill my marriage to my husband. But I expected him to be ok with me being with a woman.
Morality has so many gray areas. A bi married woman was acceptable to me, but a lesbian married woman is not. There should be no distinction, but in my mind, there is.
How my mind works: A bisexual married would be in an open marriage, and be allowed to date another woman. A lesbian married woman would be breaking her marriage vows, and that is not acceptable.
I have been the other woman, and I ruined a marriage. I never want to do that again.
I joined OKCupid, for about 24 hours. I deleted it for several reasons. One of the reasons, was because it upset my husband when he saw that a married couple checked out my profile. Another reason, was because it made me uncomfortable putting myself out there like that. And the final reason, was I didn’t feel like I had anything to offer to another person.
I told my husband that I deleted my profile, and that I’m not interested in pursuing anything right now. But I also told him that I might revisit the idea at a future time. For a time, I had myself convinced that I could have a husband, and a girlfriend. Now, I’m not so sure.
I do have an amazing husband. I know he loves me. He has dealt with so much from me in the last 2 1/2 years. I want female companionship, but not at the expense of his peace of mind.
When we had the discussion about OKCupid at first, he wanted me to delete it. I suspended the account. But I kind of had a melt down about it. I wanted to keep it. He reluctantly agreed to let me keep it. But the very next morning, I made the decision to just delete it. (After answering 450 questions, that was not easy)
I have a good marriage with him. Yes, I could manipulate him into agreeing to me dating a woman, but it just doesn’t feel right.
I was raised believing that we only have one person for us. I know that I can love more than one person romantically. But I know that at this present time, I can’t be in a romantic relationship with more than one person. There may be a woman out there who would be agreeable to being a friend with benefits to a married woman, but I am not looking right now.
This doesn’t mean that I am straight, it just means that I am not willing to further damage the marriage I have. I have a friend who tells me that you can have it all, the spouse and a same sex FWB. It is called an open marriage. It sounds appealing, but I don’t think I’m ready for all the ramifications that would bring. I may never be ready. I am going to continue to work on me. Besides, every time I’ve fallen in love (3) the love more or less showed up.
I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I may never get to fully explore the same sex attraction. And I will learn to deal with that. Maybe we can have everything, and maybe we can’t. I’m not clairvoyant, so I will just have to wing it.