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I suck at being bisexual

I suck at being bisexual. I can’t flirt with women. I get all awkward, and say the dumbest things. My husband said I could have a girlfriend, but it’s virtually impossible to find one. I seem to attract the crazy bi chicks that want me to have threesomes with their boyfriend, or husband. I don’t want a threesome with my own husband, I don’t want to have sex with their S.O.

I’m 49, and seriously doubt I’d have the courage to get naked in front of one new person. Two new people would stress me out too much. Why do people think threesomes are so hot anyway?  It’s too many people, with too many moving parts.

And why do women think pictures of their genitals are attractive? Especially if it looks like a roast beef sandwich. I’m not really attracted to looks anyway. A stimulating conversation is more attractive to me than what a body looks like.

You would think as a woman, I would have a clue what to say to another woman. But, I really don’t. Flirting with a man takes almost no effort. They’re easy. Flirting with a woman takes a talent I don’t have.

Maybe it’s because I don’t have much experience. Maybe it’s because I’m so shy, and introverted. I just know that I freeze up. I don’t know what to say. There have only been a few women I have ever connected with.

The thought of actually dating a woman terrifies me. So, maybe it’s a good thing I don’t have any luck. I still would like a female friend/FWB but I’m doubtful that will ever happen. I met a woman online who has potential, but she lives across the country.

People ask me why I can’t be happy with my husband. I love him, but he isn’t a woman. Part of me craves the things only a woman could give me. It isn’t being disrespectful to him. It’s acknowledging a fact.

I wish sexuality was a choice. If it was, I wouldn’t choose being bisexual. It’s painful. It’s confusing, and it makes me sad & angry. I hate that it gets fetishized. I hate that everyone assumes I want a threesome.

I’m a late bloomer. I didn’t come out as bi until I was 46. I didn’t get to experiment in my youth. I’m middle aged now, and I’m married to a man. I’m not not a prime catch for a same sex partner. It honestly sucks. Women are picky.

It’s so ironic to me that even at my age, and with my size, I still have much younger males hitting on me. I don’t want that. I love my husband. I don’t want another male. I would like a female’s companionship, even as a friend, but I have no luck finding one.

I also hate that I get judged. Some people see the idea of me dating as cheating. It’s called being in a semi open marriage. I have my husband’s permission to explore with a female. I am not allowed to engage with another male, but I can with a female.. People don’t understand that, and they don’t really need to. It’s not their business.

So, I really do suck at flirting, and dating. I can’t change my personality. I’ve had some bad experiences. I doubt I will ever get to have the things I crave. My attitude now is that if it happens, it will. If it doesn’t, then oh, well. I have learned one thing, and that’s to not say never. Life is so full of unexpected things.

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “I suck at being bisexual

  1. tarnishedsoul says:

    I kinda feel the same way at times…almost like I don’t know how to be bisexual. But I had a therapist tell me one time, that if I have to change anything, then it’s not who/what I am. Just be me and if something happens then its a good thing, but if you have to force it, then it’s not.

    Liked by 1 person

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