Opinions on dating while married

It’s kind of interesting getting people’s opinions on being married to a man, but dating a woman.

I’ve been told they don’t understand (and that’s understandable).

I’ve been asked if threesomes were in the future (most emphatically, NO!).

That I was breaking my marriage vows (technically, yes. But I have permission)

I been told they don’t understand how I can say I love my husband, but choose to look elsewhere too. (Frankly, he’s not a woman, and I want to explore that part of me)

She asked me what I wanted out of it. I want the companionship of a female. It may just only be friendship, or maybe it may be much more. But I want both the mental, and the physical connection. I already feel a mental connection. We will have to see on the physical.


The thought of the physical part is scary. I have not been naked in front of anyone other than my husband in over 23 years. I asked her if she knew I was big, and she said, of course. She’s willing to see what happens. I have so many flaws, that I’m afraid I’ll chicken out.

I could be getting way ahead of myself here. We could end up as friends. Since I do want a friend, I am ok with that. Do I want sex? Yes, but the thought of it is mind boggling. I have no idea what to do. I only have one single experience with a woman.

I asked a male friend how to go down on a woman. He gave me a few tips. One of them being, don’t bite. Yikes. I have a weird compulsion to bite when I get aroused. Not hard, just nips. Not a good thing when in such a sensitive area.

It’s almost 2am, and I should be asleep. I have a 40 mile trip to go meet her. The distance is going to play a part in this. Ironically, both of us have a fear of bridges. And we live on opposite sides of a wide canal. I’m going to conquer my fear, and do this.

When I came out on Facebook two years ago, I said I was bi, but because I’m married, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a woman. That may change tomorrow.

However this turns out, it will have a big impact on my life. I think having her in my life will be a positive thing. I am looking forward to discovering what will happen.


11 thoughts on “Opinions on dating while married

  1. You know what they say about it being mind over matter? That if she doesn’t mind, it doesn’t matter? We all have flaws, Ellen, but the trick of this thing is to not let your self consciousness get the best of you and defeat you.

    And, definitely no biting down there…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If you find there is mutual attraction, I invite you to take it slow when it comes to the physical side. A discussion about safe sex practices is important, and disclosures on both sides about STIs if any exist. Your male partner deserves not to be exposed to any STIs.

    I am tested for any/all STIs before any w4w relationship begins, when a relationship ends, and every six months during a relationship. This is to protect me, my husband, and my female partner. I also insist on testing for my female partner, I insist on her having me as her only female partner, and I spell out these rules before we even kiss for the first time.

    Waiting and taking it slow sucks, but I see it as a time to build a strong intellectual and emotional bond. It also gives you time to get and start reading a copy of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book, which I highly recommend. I also highly recommend the book Girl Sex 101, which can get you started a bit faster.

    If this woman is more experienced with girl-on-girl sex, ask her to teach you. No one is an expert out of the gate. If she balks and expects you to know everything and do everything, then she is not a good first partner for you. Exploring your and her sexual likes and preferences is an awesome thing especially if you don’t rush it. Talk about how it all feels as you go. When my girlfriend talks to me about how something we are doing feels for her, it is amazing.

    This is not a race to orgasm, keep that in mind and you’ll enjoy it all so much more. Best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah. I have. They kind of suck. But I don’t do casual sex, I wait until all systems are go, and in time and after testing, become fluid bonded with my female partner. It’s a big step.


      • Right. In theory, you should have worn latex or nitrile gloves because it was a casual encounter. I’m not being critical, just pointing out that gloves are acceptable in the safe sex scenario. It’s all about protecting you and your spouse. Think of it this way: If your husband was engaging in casual sexual encounters outside of your marriage, wouldn’t you want him to employ all safe sex methods at all times, and to be cognizant of his sexual partners’ STI status? The agreement I made with my husband right from the start was that I would do my absolute utmost to keep him and me safe from STIs.


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