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Late night wondering…

It’s late at night/early in the morning. I clicked on Craigslist again. There was an personal ad from a woman. She’s slightly taller than I am, she’s a BBW and she’s pretty.

She talks about other ads, and how people have a shopping list of what they want in a woman. And what they can’t be. She believes in chemistry more than appearance.

I want to answer the ad, she sounds so appealing. But I can’t. I’m married. What woman would want to voluntarily become “the other woman”? I wouldn’t want to be in that position again, and I couldn’t expect someone else to do it for me.

I’m making excuses. I could answer the ad, and give her the choice. But I am afraid of rejection. But I’m even more afraid of falling in love again.

My heart has gotten pretty beat up in the last two years. I’ve had emotions I never dreamed were possible. I’ve been enjoying reconnecting with my husband, and letting go of surplus emotions.

I am so torn. I want what I want. I want a relationship with a female. But at the same time, the thought terrifies me. What if I fell in love again? I don’t want a hook up, but I don’t want to get deeply involved with someone either.

As usual, I will wimp out again. She could be a fun person to hang out with, but I’ll never know because I’m afraid to approach her.

Blah. I have a wonderful husband. I should be content with that blessing. I do know how rare it is to find a soul mate. But he’s not a woman. I want what I can’t (but could possibly) have.

At one time in my life, I thought maybe arranged marriages were the way to go. Because we have too many choices at times. I have a good man, but I also want a woman. Does that make me greedy?

It doesn’t matter what it makes me. Because, ultimately, I’m a wimp. I don’t have the courage to go after what I want. I use the excuse that I’m married, I don’t want to hurt my husband, or that I wouldn’t attract someone. But when it comes down to the truth, I’m just scared.

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9 thoughts on “Late night wondering…

  1. Answer it and see what happens and, no, take it from me: You aren’t being greedy. You just ain’t gonna know what’s gonna happen if you never try to do anything. Don’t be afraid…

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  2. I just had to say thank you for posting this. I can’t count how many times I’ve wanted to “be bad” and have the experience I never let myself have when I was still single. I’m also a huge chicken and I’d likely feel guilty afterwards. It helps to know I’m not alone in those feelings.

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