Yesterday, I signed up for OK Cupid. Today, I deleted my account. Yesterday, I talked to David about it. He wasn’t happy because a couple had clicked on my account. I asked him his opinion on me having the account. He didn’t like it.
I kind of had a meltdown. I cried. We talked about it. I had disabled the account at his request. But after we discussed it, I opened it back up again.
But when I woke up this morning, I decided to just delete it. I don’t need to be on there. I’m a married woman, and I need to act like that.
My urges, and desires are not going to go away. They’ll still be there. I just need to not focus on them. Yes, I am denying myself something I want. But we can’t always have what we want.
I’m 48 years old, I don’t want to be dating. What can I offer, anyway? The chance to be a married woman’s side chick? I wouldn’t accept that for myself, so why would expect someone else to?
I didn’t delete the account because my husband wanted me to. I deleted it because I don’t want it. I’m not ready for that. I don’t feel like posting myself on a meat market site.
I need to work on me first. I need to work on my marriage. Some people can make an open marriage work. Some people can handle polyamory. I can’t. At least, not right now.
I think that part of my motivation for signing up was for new experiences. It was for something to write about. That was a lame motivation. If I’m not committed to the idea, then I don’t need to be doing it.
I did hesitate before deleting it. I did think about just disabling it for a while to think about it. But there isn’t a need to think about it. I just flat out don’t want to be dating. It sucks. Rejection sucks.
I have my soul mate. I love him, and he loves me. No, he isn’t a female. I still want that experience, but I also want to be able to live in Paris. We can’t have everything we want.
I have tried dating women. It hasn’t worked out. Maybe two isn’t a great amount, but I did try. I’m not ready to try again. Maybe things will change. Maybe I might be ready some day. I just know that I am not ready at this point in time. I need to work on me.