bisexual, Uncategorized

Conflicted

When my husband and I were discussing the fact that I wanted to a date a woman, he couldn’t understand why. I said for the simple reason that I am programmed to be attracted to women as well as men. It wasn’t because he wasn’t providing me with the things I wanted. Well, in a way he wasn’t. He can’t be a woman.

I want a woman to cuddle with. I want to learn what it’s like to make love to a woman. I want to learn how to please a woman, and have her please me. I want a woman to hang out with.

I was being selfish wanting those things. Yes, it is part of my nature to crave them, but I have a pretty good marriage with him. It isn’t worth risking ruining what I do have, for an image in my head.

There are so many times that I wish that I wasn’t bisexual. It’s not a choice. I get angry at the fact that my desires conflict with my marriage vows. I get angry that I didn’t have a clue that I was bisexual when I was young, and had the opportunity to explore.

But I am bisexual. I love my husband, but I do want things he can’t give me. He has said I can date, and/or explore. But when that topic comes up, he gets defensive. He understandably doesn’t want to share me. When we got married, that wasn’t part of the bargain.

I can push for the chance to date, and part of me wants to. But the other part of me is happy having David as my husband. I honestly could not ask for a better husband.

It’s 2016, and I get told that this is a new era. Marriage isn’t as important as it used to be. My marriage is important to me. My husband is extremely important to me. No one will ever have my back like he does. So why can’t I be satisfied?

I don’t want another man. The thought of being sexual with another man does not interest me. (And yes, two years ago, I felt differently but I no longer have those feelings) I do want to get intimate with a woman. I’m not going to lie. I want that. But for now, I’m choosing to ignore those feelings.

I think my husband does want me to be happy. I think he might even be ok if I found that mythical friend with benefits. But he’d only be happy if it happened organically, but not by me actively looking for her. He has a problem with me answering ads, or putting myself on a dating site. And I get that.

I’m not going to lie. I am conflicted. I want what I want, but it goes against what he wants. I deserve to be happy, but I can’t be happy if it makes him miserable. Our marriage trumps the extracurricular activities I want to engage in.

Maybe one day I can figure out how to balance things out. Maybe one day I can find a woman who is willing to be a part of my life, without being the main part. I used to say that I would never get to experience anything, but I was wrong.

Life is often unexpected, and weird. I’m not going to actively seek out a female partner, but I will keep and open mind. Stranger things have happened.

 

 

 

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