One of my biggest regrets in life is not realizing I was bisexual until I hit 46. The signs were literally always there, but I didn’t know what they meant. Since I wasn’t gay, it wasn’t as obvious as you might think.
So, I learn this about myself when I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. I wasn’t a spring chicken. I’m a shy introvert, so meeting potential partners is a frightening ordeal. I did try. I went on a few dates with a lesbian. That was a mixed bag of experiences. It fizzled out. She did give me my one and only sexual experience with another woman. She made me want to experience more, but I knew that it wouldn’t happen with her.
I was having a chat with J tonight (we talk most days). As an idea of a joke, he tells me that I would be more relaxed if I got ate out. I told him to stop saying things like that. It’s rather cruel to tell me to get the one thing that I’ll most likely never experience. I can’t cheat with a man, and there isn’t much chance of me getting it from a female.
I’m 50 now. The chances of me finding a female lover have gotten even smaller. Most of the time, I deal with it. I feel the regret, but it’s not the overwhelming obsession that it was 4 years ago. I still technically have my husband’s permission to find a female, but I don’t bother looking. He doesn’t want me to look, but if it should happen, then he’ll deal with it.
I thought about putting myself out there, run an ad or join a dating site. But I don’t know what to say. How do you sell yourself to potential partners? If I was looking for a male, I know I wouldn’t have a problem finding one. But females are so much more selective. It’s ironic that women have no problem finding sex, unless they want it from another female.
I’m a funny person, but I have to know someone in order to feel comfortable joking with them. I’m a very sexual/sensual woman, but I’m so shy, I doubt that I would be able to make any moves. I’m introverted. I have social anxiety. I don’t go out much.
I can’t imagine my personality will change, and let me attempt to do the things I want to do. I don’t think that I really even want sex all that much, now. I want to be cuddle. I want a female to do romantic things with, like walk on the beach together.
I am not an in-your-face woman, but I want to be able to do things like hold hands in public. So many women are fearful of being outed. I couldn’t attempt to be with someone who wanted to hide it. I understand their fears, so many negative things are possible.
It doesn’t help my situation that I am married to a man. Not many women are willing to be a Friend With Benefits. I have so much love to give, but my heart will always belong to my husband. He isn’t interested in threesomes, or being with another woman. He would like to be able to meet any woman I would be involved with, but he wouldn’t be involved.
He (J) pointed out that anything is possible. Sure it is, but not very likely. So, I do what most introverts do, I withdraw even further.
Do I try, or let it go? Do I let the rest of my life pass without having that experience? Do I have it, enjoy it, then never have it again? I wish I could be content with what I have. Unfortunately, I don’t even have what I used to have with my husband. We’ve both gotten older, so things changed.
I wish that there was an easy answer. I wish someone could tell me what to do. I wish for too many things. It is honestly painful to discover the truth about myself, but not be able to do anything about it. And it isn’t all about the sex. I can live without that. I crave the intimacy.
I guess I am going to let things go. I won’t say that nothing will ever happen, but it is unlikely. I really wish that sexuality was a choice. I would not choose to have these feelings, and cravings. But, it’s a part of me, and always will be. Whatever happens.