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Unanswered questions

I’ve been watching the show, Cold Justice on Netflix. It’s about investigating cold murder cases. It made me think about a murder of someone I met in 1992. I was questioned by police in the case. I always wondered what happened. If it was ever solved.

A high school friend of mine is a lawyer in Florida. She looked into it for me since I couldn’t find anything online. She said it’s not on the unsolved list, so she assumes it was solved.

For 26 years I’ve wondered what happened. I’ll never know the details, and it will always bother me. I hope there was justice in the case, if only for his kids’ sake.

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I wish my life made sense

I just watched the movie, Mona Lisa Smile. Julia Roberts’ character goes to Wellesley College in 1953 to make a difference. And she did. She opened the minds of the students she taught. My life seems pointless. My live is strange.

I was sitting here, crying. I love my husband, he’s an amazing man. But I love another man as well. Society tells me that I shouldn’t, that it’s wrong. I don’t understand it. It was a total shock to me when I discovered that I did love him. We are told that we can only love one person at a time. One time I was trying to explain to my husband how it was possible that I loved him, and me loving someone else didn’t change that. I told him that because he loved me so well, I had more love to give.

I was talking to someone I met online recently about loving more than one person. She said that love was like a diamond. It has many sides to it, and they all shine. I love that quote, because it’s so true.

I love my husband, and I am so grateful that I have him. He fits me. I do believe that he’s my soul mate. He’s my “home”.

I also love a man 18 years younger than I am. I was in college getting dumped by my first boyfriend when he was born. He’s considered a “Millennial”. When I think about it, it blows my mind. How is that even possible? And he loves me back, also amazing.

I love this man, and I’ve never met him in person. I’m not sure if that makes it easier, or more difficult, to accept. For four years, I didn’t even know what he looked like. That didn’t matter either. I fell in love with his soul, not his appearance.

So, it’s been five years since I met him on Twitter. I really thought the feelings would pass, that he would lose interest,or that we’d make each so mad that we’d quit talking. We make each other furious quite often, but we make up. The feelings are still here. He is still in my life, even if it’s not in person.

I’m the type of person that needs things to make sense. I struggle when there seems to be no purpose for something. It doesn’t make sense, it just is.

For whatever reason, he’s a big part of my life. I am not some delusional, middle aged woman obsessed with a younger man. It seems bizarre, and it is, but it also feels like it was meant to happen. I don’t understand why it happened, but I accept that it did. So I will just be happy that I can love him, and be loved.

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Why me?

Obsession. I’ve been the object of it several times. I don’t understand it at all. I’m shy, I’m overweight, and I usually keep to myself.

In my first job, I worked as a waitress. I was young, and inexperienced. I kissed the cook out of curiosity. I didn’t like it because he was a chain smoker. He must have liked it, because he decided he was going to have sex with me. I told him no. He flipped out. He proceeded to do everything he could to inconvenience me, and/or get me fired. He ended up acting so irrational, that he got himself fired. All because I told him no, and I wasn’t going to let him bully me.

At my second job, I kissed a cook again (I don’t learn lessons very well) He also decided he was going to have sex with me. I told him that I was a virgin, somehow thinking that he would respect that, and leave me alone. He just got worse. He followed me into the stockroom, pulled the door shut, and groped me. (The managers did nothing when I told them) Anyway, he violated his probation on something else, and was sent back to jail.  He called me at work several times while in jail. I was terrified that he would rape me, so I decided to have sex with a guy I liked, just so my first time would be my choice. I ended up moving out of state to get away from him.

At the second job, a customer my dad’s age tried to convince me to join him and his son (about my age) in their hotel room. I told him no. He called me at the restaurant, and tried again. That freaked me out.

I was asked by a person in church to write a friend of theirs in prison. I did it, and he convinced himself he was in love with me. I’m glad I didn’t fall for that.

I met a guy at Denny’s two weeks before I left to go back to Miami. He wrote me & called me while I was in Miami. After Hurricane Andrew, he convinced me to come back to Delaware, and he’d be my roommate. I made sure he knew it would only be as friends. Well, I got back here, learned the truth about him (he was mentally unstable) and decided to not be roommates. For some reason in his obsession with me, he went to Florida where the hurricane had hit the worst. While he was there, he was murdered. And I got questioned by Miami police because he had my name & parents’ address in his wallet.

I met a guy on Twitter. He tried to get sexual with me online, and I said no. He flipped out. He tried to bully, and harass me. I blocked him, and ignored him. That only made him more angry. I find it funny that I’m still around, and he had to change his name and hide. (Mostly because he got called out by a chick he lied to & scammed)

I met a lesbian on a LGBT app. Within a week, she was telling me that loved me. Then she sent me a video clip of her kissing a picture of me on her phone, while a love song played in the background. I didn’t even block her for that. I blocked her because she sent me several weird texts in less that a minute. I blocked her on that app, Twitter and Instagram. She made more accounts, and I had to block those too.

Ok, now it seems that my husband’s stalker is stalking me too. That stalker harassed my husband for years at his job. My husband had to switch shifts to get away from him. This guy recently came into  my work, and was asking an employee on another shift about me. Telling them that he knew me, and my husband. I got mad. My husband got furious. This stalker has now come into three different jobs that I’ve had. I live in a small city, so it’s possible I could run into him. But three times, in different places, is more than a coincidence. I can’t do anything about it, either. He hasn’t technically done anything illegal. It’s so frustrating.

I don’t understand that person. I don’t know if he wants to be my husband, wants to be with my husband, or if he wants me. I just know that he’s creepy, and I want him to stay far away from both of us. They won’t do anything about him at my husband’s job, because the guy is protected. A side note: his girlfriend looks remarkably like me. My husband said that several fellow employees commented on that to him. So, one again, I’m not sure which one of us he is obsessed with.

I can understand some guys wanting to stick around, because I got them off. (I had a non physical/online-phone sex addiction for a while) One guy would show up every few months, just to make sure I didn’t forget him. But I don’t understand the other people. How do you decide that you love someone after knowing them at work for only two weeks??

I don’t understand people at all. Why target me? I guess there will always be creepy people. I just hope they stay away from me. I’ve had enough crazy in my life.

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Chances are: slim to none

One of my biggest regrets in life is not realizing I was bisexual until I hit 46. The signs were literally always there, but I didn’t know what they meant. Since I wasn’t gay, it wasn’t as obvious as you might think.

So, I learn this about myself when I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. I wasn’t a spring chicken. I’m a shy introvert, so meeting potential partners is a frightening ordeal. I did try. I went on a few dates with a lesbian. That was a mixed bag of experiences. It fizzled out. She did give me my one and only sexual experience with another woman. She made me want to experience more, but I knew that it wouldn’t happen with her.

I was having a chat with J tonight (we talk most days). As an idea of a joke, he tells me that I would be more relaxed if I got ate out. I told him to stop saying things like that. It’s rather cruel to tell  me to get the one thing that I’ll most likely never experience. I can’t cheat with a man, and there isn’t much chance of me getting it from a female.

I’m 50 now. The chances of me finding a female lover have gotten even smaller. Most of the time, I deal with it. I feel the regret, but it’s not the overwhelming obsession that it was 4 years ago. I still technically have my husband’s permission to find a female, but I don’t bother looking. He doesn’t want me to look, but if it should happen, then he’ll deal with it.

I thought about putting myself out there, run an ad or join a dating site. But I don’t know what to say. How do you sell yourself to potential partners? If I was looking for a male, I know I wouldn’t have a problem finding one. But females are so much more selective. It’s ironic that women have no problem finding sex, unless they want it from another female.

I’m a funny person, but I have to know someone in order to feel comfortable joking with them. I’m a very sexual/sensual woman, but I’m so shy, I doubt that I would be able to make any moves. I’m introverted. I have social anxiety. I don’t go out much.

I can’t imagine my personality will change, and let me attempt to do the things I want to do. I don’t think that I really even want sex all that much, now. I want to be cuddle.  I want a female to do romantic things with, like walk on the beach together.

I am not an in-your-face woman, but I want to be able to do things like hold hands in public. So many women are fearful of being outed. I couldn’t attempt to be with someone who wanted to hide it. I understand their fears, so many negative things are possible.

It doesn’t help my situation that I am married to a man. Not many women are willing to be a Friend With Benefits. I have so much love to give, but my heart will always belong to my husband. He isn’t interested in threesomes, or being with another woman. He would like to be able to meet any woman I would be involved with, but he wouldn’t be involved.

He (J) pointed out that anything is possible. Sure it is, but not very likely. So, I do what most introverts do, I withdraw even further.

Do I try, or let it go? Do I let the rest of my life pass without having that experience? Do I have it, enjoy it, then never have it again? I wish I could be content with what I have. Unfortunately, I don’t even have what I used to have with my husband. We’ve both gotten older, so things changed.

I wish that there was an easy answer. I wish someone could tell me what to do. I wish for too many things. It is honestly painful to discover the truth about myself, but not be able to do anything about it. And it isn’t all about the sex. I can live without that. I crave the intimacy.

I guess I am going to let things go. I won’t say that nothing will ever happen, but it is unlikely. I really wish that sexuality was a choice. I would not choose to have these feelings, and cravings. But, it’s a part of me, and always will be. Whatever happens.

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Self discovery

In 2013, I was white, Christian, married, monogamous and straight. Or, so I thought. I’ve learned so much more about myself since then. I’m still white, married and Christian, but even the edges of those facts have become blurred.

I am married, but I have since discovered that I am bisexual. I have been my entire life, but I never had the sense, or the courage, to accept it. My husband reluctantly agreed to let me explore that part of myself. I dated a lesbian for a short time. I had my one and only same sex experience with her. I’m proud of myself for the fact that I made her squirt. Not bad for a nervous novice.

So, I’m not straight. That was a surprise, sort of. I’ve been attracted to females for basically as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realize that I was. I never had a female friend to discuss the matter with. I thought every female felt the same way. Since I couldn’t put a name to it, and I had no experience, I couldn’t really accept it. It didn’t help that I had a very homophobic brother. I will never forget him telling me that he wished that Boy George was in front of him singing, Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? and my brother would be holding a baseball bat.

I said I was monogamous… Technically I still am. If you don’t count me making a lesbian squirt by fingering her, I haven’t have sex with another person (other than my husband) in 25 years. I have been in love with three very different people at the same time. I am not monogamous, I’m polyamorous. Although I am no longer in love with the two other people, I still love them, and care very much about them.

My sexuality has been all over the place in the last 4 years. In 2013, I hit 46. And all hell broke loose. I learned how erotic words are. I learned how to please myself while talking to another person. For a few years, I was hyper sexual. I had an addiction to phone sex, and sexting. I was good at it. I even sexted a straight woman, and made her orgasm.

I didn’t necessarily go looking for trouble, but it certainly found me. I found a man who was 19 years younger than me who wanted to be my lover. I didn’t want to cheat on my husband, so I asked if I could. He said no. Of course, he would say no. I didn’t really expect another answer.

Something inside me changed after that conversation. The urge to want all these sexual things seemed to slow down, then eventually go away. Part of it had to do with physical changes in me, but psychologically, I didn’t have the need to behave that way.

So, I’m not straight, and I’m not monogamous. I’m still white, but I learned some history about my family. My sister was researching family genealogy. She discovered that we have relatives who survived German concentration camps. And they were later buried in a Jewish cemetery.

That blew my mind. Being a Christian has been a huge part of my life. I went to a Christian college for two years. I stayed a virgin until I was 23. But then I learn that we most likely have Jewish ancestry. Wow.

The revelation of Jewish family is not a bad thing. It’s just now it feels like I have thousands of years of history to absorb.

In the past four years, I fell in love with another man. I accepted that I am bisexual. I fell in love with a woman. I had a non physical sex addiction (sexting & phone sex). Everything I have thought about myself has changed.

I’ve learned so many things. I’ve felt sexy, beautiful and wanted. I’ve also felt tired, and alone. I am 50 years old now. I am not the same person I was at the start of 2013. Sometimes it feels like my life is like a kaleidoscope. All the colors are there, but in an instant, they rearrange themselves into another picture. It’s still colorful, and beautiful, but totally new.

I’m entering a new phase in my life. I can’t say that I enjoy the physical part of it, but I am still learning about myself. Life is a series of changes, some are so gradual, we never really notice them. Other changes are huge, and rock a person to their core. I have learned that I am not the person in the neat little box that society wants to shove me in. Screw the boxes, I’m embracing the rainbow. rainbow6

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I gotta be me

I haven’t posted much on here this year. My life has settled down. I turned 50 a few months ago, and I’ve had some health issues. The overwhelming desire to find a girlfriend/female FWB has faded. I would still love to find that mythical creature, but I’m not looking.

I quit misbehaving with men online. I don’t sext, or have phone sex. I do occasionally tell someone a story to help them get off. Maybe some people don’t see a distinction between that and sexting, but I do. I just lay out a plot, and I don’t include myself in the scenario.

After four years of being almost hyper sexual, it’s just not interesting, or fun anymore. There’s no point in getting worked up, if I can’t even give myself an orgasm. (Getting old sucks).

I still have sex with my husband about once a week. It’s weird that I don’t have a problem doing that, but having an orgasm through masturbating is too intense. It feels like my heart is going to explode. And given that I have an enlarged heart, that’s entirely possible.

My attitudes about many things have changed. I can’t lie, I still love J. I will always love him as a friend. But after four years, I am no longer in love with him. I know that I’ve said that before, and I meant it. But the feelings would come creeping back in. But now, I think that they are really gone.

I have finally accepted him for who/what he is, and not what I want him to be. He will never be that person. And I’m good with that. It was time to let go.

We have a bond that neither of us can explain. But it’s there, and it’s real. We need each other. He is my best friend. I have let go of the wanting a relationship, and fantasizing about what might have been. But it would devastate me to lose him as a friend.

I still love T. It’s funny, but I never really fantasized about having a relationship with her. I know, without a doubt, that she loves her wife more than anything. I would never want to do anything to harm that. It still blows my mind to think of the fact that she literally worked right across the street from me 30 years ago. So many “what ifs”.

Because things have settled down, I can focus on my husband the way I should be doing. Every day, I realize how lucky and blessed I am that he’s mine.  I know that he will always have my back, and he would do anything in his power to protect me. And I know he loves me. I have never doubted that in almost 25 years.

I miss certain things. I miss the thrill of turning someone on, and getting them off. It was a power thing for me. I enjoyed making someone else lose control. And I miss being the one being controlled. I’m still a sexual person, it has just become more muted.

I have basically given up on the idea of ever experiencing sex with a female. That makes me sad, but it’s just something I have to deal with. I’m not saying that it will never happen, but it’s highly unlikely.

I cried the other night, thinking about being bisexual. Why did God have to make me this way? It was never a choice. And why did it take me 46 years to accept it? What good does it do me to learn that so late in life? It’s so frustrating.

It’s been 4 years since I came out, and I’m still adjusting. It upsets me to see how the world treats LGBT people. People literally want to kill me because I’m not straight. My husband asks why I even talk about it if that’s true. And I said because I won’t be silent just to make others comfortable. Maybe someone out there needs to hear my story, and know that they aren’t alone. Maybe it’s because I’ve always done my own thing, and I ignore what society says I should do.

Although I have changed in the last few years, I am still me. I don’t behave like I did. I don’t the compulsion for online sexual behavior. I am still a sexual person. I don’t have a problem talking about it, or discussing it. I’m not shy, and modest. Some people are offended by my honesty, and others appreciate. I just know that I live my life my way. I am what I am.

 

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Not so tempted anymore

Last year, I met a guy on the Whisper app. He said he wanted me, I told him that he was wasting his time. We talked for months though. I was at a low point in my life, things weren’t great with my husband. I was tempted to give in.

I even went so far as to ask my husband if I could have a lover. Of course, he said no. While I wanted some excitement, I wasn’t going to screw around. I had already done enough damage to our marriage. When I finally got a job in December of last year, the guy quit talking to me.

Well, today, he messaged me again. When he said he was in my town for a few days, I knew he wanted something. He tells me he’s driving around, as hard as a rock. I said that I guessed he had to take matters into his own hands. Then he asked if I wanted him to come pick me up.

I didn’t even think about it. I told him no thanks, and that ship had sailed. And he quit talking to me.

In the recent past, I allowed boredom and depression to get the better of me. I did stupid things. (None of them physical, though) I flirted with random men, and even some women, online. It was very risky behavior.

But, I am not the person I was then. My life is still boring, but I don’t have the compulsion to try to fill a void by flirting. I don’t need, or want, that attention anymore. I have changed.

I can’t lie. For one second, I kind of regretted saying no. But just for a very brief moment. I’m not that type of woman, and I have way to much to lose by being that stupid.

I love my husband. I regret any of the pain I’ve ever caused him by my actions. He’s a good man, and doesn’t deserve that. While I can’t control the feelings I have for other people, I can control my physical actions. I won’t cheat. I’m sure the excitement might have been thrilling, nothing is worth losing the good man I have.

For a nanosecond, I considered it, and dismissed it. I am not perfect, but I’m working on being better. Apparently, I still need to work on that.

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