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So very complicated

I am a simple person with a complicated love life. I have loved my husband for 26, he is my soul mate. But, I’ve loved another man for 6 years. A man that I’ve never even met in person. I know it doesn’t make any rational sense. I have been trying to understand how it happened for 6 years now. I still don’t know.

How do you make sense of having such strong emotions for a person you might walk right past on a street? How do you love more than one person at a time? How do you not feel disloyal to your partner? How do you accept that you can love that person, but never be a couple in any traditional sense of the word?

My husband knows about this man. He knows how often I’ve cried because of him. He has held me when it felt like my heart was breaking. He hates the other guy because I have cried. I know that I should respect my husband, and let go of J, but I can’t. I have tried.

J and I fight often. I try not to talk to him, that never works. Because one of us will speak to the other. We are from different backgrounds, ages and races. What makes sense to me doesn’t make sense to him. And I am often in disbelief with his way of thinking.

When I do fight with J, things don’t feel right. I feel off center. Like there is a disturbance on my force. It bothers me when I don’t have contact with my friend. Yes, I love him, but he means the world to me as my friend. I let go of “being in love” but I will always love him on some level.

I wish I understood why it happened. I wish I knew why I connected to this guy I don’t have much in common with. Sometimes it feels like maybe we were connected in a former life, and those feelings still exist. It’s hard to explain, but there is a connection there.

I know I sound delusional. I’m almost 52, and he’s 33. I’m white, he’s black. I grew up in solid middle class suburbia. He grew up in the “hood” (his word, not mine) I grew up very religious, he doesn’t even believe in god. The only things we have in common is our football team, and we both have social anxiety. But somehow we clicked. Go figure.

I don’t even know why I’m writing about this yet again. It’s nothing new. Maybe I’m hoping that one day I will see things in a different way. Maybe one day the feelings will change again. We went from casually tweeting, to talking in DMs, to talking whenever possible, to both admitting that we loved the other (I felt like I had been punched in the gut when I realized I actually loved him) Things changed, they became (non physically) sexual. I was madly in love. Then things changed again. I let go of being in love. It literally took several years for that to happen.

I have a relationship with a man who is not my husband. He is not my boyfriend. He is not my lover. We’re friends. I say friends with a twist. We have a history. We have feelings that are not just about friendship. I let go of some feelings because I had to, they were literally messing with my head.

What isn’t complicated is I really care about him. What is complicated is that I love him. Sometimes I wish it was possible to be together. But it isn’t possible. I have a wonderful husband, and he tolerates my love for J, but he will never share me.

I will freely admit that I am a mess. I don’t make sense. My life doesn’t make sense to anyone else. I’ll still trying to deal with things. For some reason, God gave me a huge heart. I love more than most people. It’s my super power. I will just keep on loving, it’s what I do best.

 

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Why am I still here?

I have had some brushes with death/destiny and I’m still here. June of 1997, just days before my 30th birthday, I almost died. I was losing so much blood, I gave up. I took off my shorts & underwear, grabbed a pillow and laid in the bathtub. I just let it drain out of me.

At some point in the morning, I made my husband get out of bed, and take me to the emergency room. I had to get a D&C. I was told that I lost over half my body’s supply of blood. I had to have two pints transfused. Imagine if I had slept a little longer, I wouldn’t be here now.

I was waiting at a red light to cross the highway to go home. The light turned green, but something made me wait. If I had started crossing when it turned green, the woman in the huge SUV would have literally run right over me and my little Metro. She ran the red light, and never even slowed down.

One day in Miami, I was going to go to the mall with my sister, and my niece. Right before the entrance to the parking lot, I changed my mind. I found out later there was a shoot out in the mall right in the section we would have been in.

When I was in junior high, my school bus never showed up. I started walking home, but I was stopped. It was a former boyfriend of my sister. He gave me a ride, and he left. A few years later, he walked into the car dealership where his wife worked, and killed her.

Also in junior high, I was between 12-14. I was walking from the school to the department store on the highway where my sister worked. Since clubs were after school, I couldn’t catch the bus home. I was approaching the park on the corner of the highway, and I noticed a car facing the direction I was coming from. There was a man in it, and he called to me. He asked me if I knew Spanish, and I said a little bit. He asked me to get in the car with him. I said, No, and backed away. I cut across the park, and I noticed that he pulled away from that spot, and it seemed like he tried to follow me. I still sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had been stupid enough to get in that car.

I’ve been binge watching Criminal Minds again. And they always talk about victimology. Like why were those people chosen. I have put myself in some stupid situations, and I might have survived without physical harm, but it left emotional scars.

When I was young, and too trusting, I went with a customer I met at my first job. He said he would teach me how to drive. He picked me up after work, and we got a pizza. I had no fears at that point. But then we got to where we were going, He was a security guard at a condo complex. We went to the clubhouse, he unlocked the door to let us in, and then locked it behind us. First red flag appeared.

We ate the pizza, talked, and he kissed me. I was still a virgin at that point, almost no experience. He got turned on. Somehow, he brought up his wife. I told him that I wanted to go home, and stood up. He grabbed my wrist, and proceeded to jerk off. I just stood there, and let him. I made him take me home, but made him drop me off on the corner so he didn’t know where I lived. I took a shower when I got home. I didn’t realize it then, but I had been sexually assaulted. I believe that if he had been in better shape, I probably would have been raped. I was way too trusting then.

I once read a book called Anatomy of a Motive by one of the original FBI profilers, John Douglas. He made a comment that anyone could be a victim, or become the object of an obsession. He mentioned a waitress at a local diner as an example. At the time I read it, I was working at a Denny’s. I think that may have contributed to my agoraphobia I had.

I have been the object of more than one obsession. On my first job, a cook decided that he was going to have sex with me. I told him no, and he went nuts trying to find a way to get me fired. He ended up getting himself fired.

I was sexually assaulted/groped at my second job by another guy who decided he was going to have sex with me. Also another hard no. He was put back in jail for violating his probation, and was calling me at work from jail. He freaked me out.

I honestly have no idea why I’m still here. So many close calls, but I’m still breathing. If there was a barter system for souls, I would gladly trade mine in so that my friend’s son could have survived.

We make small decisions all the time that have huge impacts on our lives, and we never even know it. What do I do that attracts the people who have gotten obsessed? Why have I survived this long? I don’t have a clue.

 

 

 

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My social media experience

Social media is a weird experience. I have about 2,000 followers on Twitter, and yesterday, I had over 4,000 views on my tweets. How? Why? I mostly post pictures, and memes I get off of Facebook.

I’m not sure why I originally got on Facebook in 2009, but I did it to keep in touch with family and old friends. I got on Twitter in 2012 because I wanted to use it to reply to some Miami Dolphins fan app.

I never had any idea how joining Twitter could change my life. I have social anxiety, but I learned about a group of Miami Dolphins that sat together at MetLife Stadium for games against the Jets. Our first game had 1,000 fans together. I actually had a breakdown before we found our seats, but I eventually had fun, We’ve been almost every year since. I’ve met several people I talked to online.

I was online one day, and a friend messaged me. She asked if I would like some of Coach Tony Sparano’s official game gear. Well, hell, yeah! She is/was his sister in law. She told him about me, and he was happy to give her even more stuff. So, I got an 18 pound box full of clothes with his name tags in them. ☺

One Christmas, I was joking around that someone should send me a bottle of rum as a gift. A follower actually called the liquor store near me, and paid for a bottle. I just had to pick it up.

One year I was broke as hell, and asked if someone could loan me some money. Someone I had never met sent me money through Paypal. His generosity helped lift me out of a very dark period in my life. I paid him back a few months later when I got a job, but I will never forget how he helped us.

I have met some amazing people online, but I’ve met some jerks too. Some people are users/abusers, and they get evil when you don’t do things they want. I learned to block and ignore them. They can be miserable without dragging me into it.

I’ve been told that I helped someone who was ready to commit suicide, but my talking to her that night changed her mind. And on the flip side, I’ve had people save me from those thoughts.

I fell in love with two friends I met on Twitter. That is something that makes perfect sense, and doesn’t make any sense at all. I’ve learned that I fall in love through talking, looks have nothing to do with it. For that matter, age and race don’t matter much either.

I discovered that there are Miami Dolphins all over the world, that was a pleasant surprise. I didn’t imagine I’d be talking to people in Germany, South Africa, Italy and the U.K. about the Dolphins.

I was just reading a post about blogging. I don’t really do it for the views, I do it because sometimes seeing my thoughts in print form help me understand myself better. Sometimes I need to say something without telling that person directly.

There are times when I am amazed that anyone wants to read anything that I’ve posted. I’m surprised at the number of celebrities who follow me. I’m in wonder at the sense of community I have with people all over the world. Social media has its downside, but it has so many good things about it too.

 

 

 

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bisexual, Uncategorized

Confused, but not about that…

Sometimes I wonder why it took me 46 years to accept that I’m bisexual. At that point, why couldn’t I keep it buried forever? Why did I have to find out? I was married for almost two decades by then. I wasn’t young, and I couldn’t go out and explore.

I was young, and living in Miami in the late 1980s and 90s. Why couldn’t I know it then? Why couldn’t I explore in that environment?

I went to a very small Christian college from 85-87. I certainly couldn’t have done any exploring of that type there. But I didn’t know that I was bi then. Maybe for my safety, my brain wouldn’t let me know.

I got married at 26. I wasn’t a virgin. I had other lovers before my husband. I didn’t know I was bi then, it didn’t even occur to me.

I’ve always had the signs that I was bi. I got turned on looking at pictures of women. But I got turned on by males too. I didn’t know that liking to look at women meant an actual attraction to the same sex. It seems so obvious now, but I didn’t have a clue.

I really wish that sexuality was a choice, because I wouldn’t choose this. I wouldn’t chose to be the subject of abuse, or people wishing death on me. I wouldn’t choose the conflict between wanting to be faithful, and waiting to have a girlfriend. I wouldn’t choose to have someone I love tell me that I have the devil in me. I wouldn’t choose the ache of wanting something that I can’t have.

Confusion seems to play a major part in being bisexual. I’m not confused about being attracted to both sexes. Confusion comes from stupid things like labels. I’m not straight, but I don’t think of myself as gay, or queer. The groups don’t help things. I’m too straight for gay women, and too gay for straight people.

I get told things like, “You’re not bi, you haven’t had sex with a woman” or, “It’s just a phase.” Being a virgin doesn’t negate  person’s sexuality. I’ve been attracted to women since I was at least 4 or 5. Tell me how it’s still a phase at 51 years old.

I find is somewhat humorous that because I’m bisexual, it makes being friends with men easier. But I’m forever awkward around most women. With men, I talk about sex, what I like, and what I’d like in a woman. Go figure, they respond to that.

Anyway, back to the knowledge of me sexuality. Why did I have to know? Does it benefit me, or anyone for that matter? I’ve been told that it means I can be true to myself. Ok. I guess there was a reason I liked looking at all those pictures of women on Facebook, and posting them on Twitter.

Oh, yeah, I fell in love with a woman I met online. Once again, how does that help me? She’s taken. I’ve never actually met her. Does me having those feelings benefit anyone at all?

Maybe knowing, and coming out on Twitter was for a reason. I doubt she would have ever talked to me if I hadn’t. Maybe we both just needed each other as friends.

I don’t know why I’m bisexual. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out. I don’t know anything. I’m not confused about being bisexual, but about why it took me so long to accept it

 

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So many rules…

I had a conversation with someone today about love. He’s in the position where he loves his spouse, but he loves his friend as well. I know where he’s coming from, because that’s where I’m at too. It’s painful.

I love my husband, and have for 26 years. I love more than one friend, and it hurts. It hurts my husband to know that I care about more than him. It hurts me, because I can’t be with anyone else, and because it makes me feel like I’m disrespecting David. Ugh

But, like it was explained to me before, love is not something that is limited. You can love more than one person, and it doesn’t lessen your love for anyone. You just have to decide where you let things go.

Just because I love J, it doesn’t mean that I have the right to disregard the vows I made to my husband. I can’t go, and express my love for J in the physical form. If I had an open marriage, that could be possible, but I don’t.

I love T, and the rules are slightly different. Because she is female, I have his permission for the possibility of physical affection. Technically… but that isn’t possible anyway. Ugh

So many emotions, and so many rules. Part of me loves having a monogamous relationship. I don’t have to worry about diseases, or ignoring one person for another. But part of me wishes I could have my cake, and eat it too. (Or be eaten)

We’re taught that we can only have one soul mate. But, that doesn’t prevent us from clicking with other people. Sometimes you find someone else who just “gets” you.

I could be selfish, and go for what I wanted, but it wouldn’t be worth the cost, and the harm it would do. I can’t hurt the one person who has loved me with everything he has. I know I’m selfish for even having the other person in my emotions. I can’t let go, because I would miss the friendship.

I’m a mess. I wish that life was simple, but I have a heart that seems to grow bigger as I get older. How goofy is it to love three very different people?

The reality is that I can love with a limitless capacity, I just can’t act on it. I wish we weren’t bound by so many rules. I can’t change who I am, or how I love. But I have to respect the vows I made.

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Is it cheating?

You would think that after 51 years of living, that I would have a decent clue about life. I don’t. I thought I understood love when I met, and married my husband. I learned that there are many forms of love, and they change constantly.

I thought I understood what cheating was, but once again, no real clue. How do you define cheating? Is flirting cheating? Is lusting after another person cheating? Is Sexting/phone sex cheating? Or do you cross that line once bodies are involved?

I had a period in my life when I fell in love with a friend I met online. It became sexual, but it was never physical. To this day (6 years later) I still haven’t met him in person. My husband was hurt and angry when I told him about it. I never lied to him about my feelings, but I did leave details out.

He felt betrayed that I had feelings for someone else. It didn’t matter that it just developed from talking so much.  I didn’t understand how I could love two people, so I really didn’t expect him to understand it. He felt that I shouldn’t be able to have those feelings since I already loved him.

Was falling in love with someone else cheating? Or did that happen when the conversations turned sexual, and the flirting happened? My husband caught me having phone sex. I’m still ashamed about that years later. That really hurt him. It was a betrayal to him, but is it cheating?

Out of curiosity, I’ve asked on Twitter if it was worse to have your partner fall in love with someone else, or if they had sex. Most people felt the emotional affair was worse. But is that cheating? Ugh.

I did things that I’m not proud of. I couldn’t control my feelings, but I could have controlled my actions. Except that I didn’t. My husband and I were having some difficulties at that point in time. I was having a mid life crisis, and my hormones were in over drive. So I used my feelings, and my hornyness to excuse my actions to myself.

What I did was cheating. It was all mental, but it was a betrayal. Because I didn’t cross the line, and have sex, my husband was able to forgive me. I was asked last night if I could forgive my husband if he had sex with someone else. I think I could, IF I knew that he had used a condom, and it didn’t happen in our bed.

To me, sex is just a body function, and people place to much importance on it. I would be angry if he was doing it with someone else, and ignoring me. That’s unforgivable. I would also be angry if he exposed me to any diseases. Am I saying that I’d be ok with my husband sleeping around? No. I’m saying that I understand that people have needs that one person can’t always satisfy.

When you’re in a relationship, there is an understanding that there are only two people involved. Yes, there are poly relationships, but that has to be by agreement, and there has to be rules. I don’t understand people who expect their partner to be faithful and pure, but it’s acceptable for them to screw around.

Life is weird, and relationships take work. Sometimes a person needs more than they’re getting, but cheating isn’t the answer. As for me, my situation has changed. I’m no longer in love with the person. I don’t get sexual gratification from doing those things anymore. I did mentally cheat, and I fantasized about having sex, but I never went that far. That doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone else, it just makes me human.

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Becoming me

When I was 4 or 5, I found a porn magazine. I didn’t realize that’s what it was, but I liked the pictures of women. When I was 9, my oldest sister worked in a convenience store, I would go behind the counter, and look at those magazines. By that age, I knew they were porn, and I shouldn’t be looking at them. But I didn’t know that, as a female, I shouldn’t like looking at them.

I was a very sheltered child, but somehow I managed to come across several magazines as a kid. I liked looking at them. It never once occurred to me that the liking was actually an attraction. I thought every female felt the same way. I didn’t know that I was “different”

I had crushes on boys, but I had a crush on my fourth grade teacher too. She was young, and had dark hair. I had no idea that it was a “crush”. I just knew that I liked her.

I played with Barbies, but I had the female dolls kissing each other. I think I had a Ken doll, but he wasn’t very important. He was there because he was “supposed” to be.

In high school, I had crushes on male and female teachers. Once again, I didn’t realize the feelings towards the females were crushes. I was so ignorant. During my two years in college, still no clue.

All through my 20s and 30s, I was still clueless. I had sex with a guy for the first time when I was 23. I met my husband at 25, and married him when I was 26. My husband is my soul mate, and I love him. It always just felt right.

But then came 2013. The year I turned 46. I had a mid life crisis. My hormones went crazy. I had an online sexual thing with a guy I met on Twitter. I never masturbated so much in my life. And then somehow, I fell in love with another man I met on Twitter. I did not flirt with him. There was not a sexual element involved. The friendship evolved, and changed into something more.

Once we both acknowledged the change in the friendship, it became sexual (never physical). Because of him, I had to accept the fact that I wanted oral sex. I always blocked the thought from my mind before then. Once I accepted that I wanted oral sex, for some reason, I was finally ready to admit that I wanted it with a woman.

At 46 years old, I finally accepted myself for what I am, a bisexual woman. I am attracted to men, and to women. As I get older, the attraction seems to lean more towards women. It doesn’t feel weird, I have always been bisexual. I was literally just ignorant that is actually what it was. I did not know that you could be attracted to both.

Coming out was strange. Some people were fine with it. Others had a problem with it. I lost friends because of it. I had my favorite sister tell me that I had the devil in me, and that I needed to “get right”.

I came out on Twitter, and as a result, a lesbian struck up conversations with me. Falling in love with another man while in love with my husband was strange, and bizarre to me. I had no idea that was even possible. I learned to accept it. I just figured that I had so much love to give. (Once again, it was never physical. I did not cheat on my husband)

Then, out of the blue, I realized that I loved the lesbian friend too. Once again, it felt natural. Caring for multiple people was strange, but the love I had for them individually just felt right.

That was a few years ago. I still love both of them as friends. The “in love” feeling has passed. It was a weird time in my life, but it never felt forced or strange.

Coming out has changed my life in some odd ways. I see life differently now. I do accept the attraction I feel for both sexes. It’s not unnatural. It’s not wrong. It’s just how I am. I am attracted to, and I am capable of falling in love with either sex (I’m not getting into how many sexes/genders there actually are. I identify as bisexual, not pansexual)

I’ve learned that the default does not have to be a man/woman couple. I don’t assume when someone says “wife”, that they are a man. I’ve learned that sexuality, and attraction can be fluid. I have learned that polyamory is a real thing. You can love more than one person at a time.

Accepting that I’m bisexual has been painful. I have lost people I thought were friends. I have lost one job because of it. The scariest thing is realizing that I am not straight, and that there are people who want to kill me because of that. There are people who think I am a second class citizen because of it. There are people who think I should not have the right to marry a woman. I am married to a man, and have been for 25 years, but what if I had fallen for a woman first?

There are times I wish that I was still ignorant. What good does it do me to know that I am attracted to women, but I can’t really do anything about it? A few years ago, I did go on some dates with a lesbian. I had my one sexual experience with a woman with her. I made her orgasm. I wasn’t touched, so in a way I still feel like I’m a virgin.

Being a virgin doesn’t mean someone isn’t bisexual, but the experience took away any doubts I had about being aroused by a female.   Touching the other woman didn’t make me a “legitimate” bisexual. People don’t seem to understand that. Attraction is the only thing that matters when it comes to sexuality.

Becoming me has been a strange experience. I am not “normal”. I never have been. I did not realize that my awkwardness around females was because I felt attractions, but I didn’t know that’s what they were. I am still astounded about how clueless I was. I wish I could have learned the truth earlier, but then I probably wouldn’t have met my husband. It’s difficult wishing for something when you already have your someone.

So, what am I? I am a 51 year old woman, who has been married for 25 years. I love my husband, but I really wish I could have a girlfriend too. Does that make me a greedy bisexual? Probably. I am a late bloomer. I want to explore, and do the things I didn’t get to do when I was young. But, I can’t. Technically, I have my husband’s permission to “explore” but the reality is that I’m no spring chicken, and most women are not interested.

So, what I am is frustrated. But, that’s life. I won’t get to explore. I won’t get to know the wonders of another woman’s body. Maybe I shouldn’t say “won’t”. Anything is possible, but it’s not likely. I am the “me” that I’m meant to be. I don’t know why I am this way, but it’s the way God made me.

 

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