I am a simple person with a complicated love life. I have loved my husband for 26, he is my soul mate. But, I’ve loved another man for 6 years. A man that I’ve never even met in person. I know it doesn’t make any rational sense. I have been trying to understand how it happened for 6 years now. I still don’t know.
How do you make sense of having such strong emotions for a person you might walk right past on a street? How do you love more than one person at a time? How do you not feel disloyal to your partner? How do you accept that you can love that person, but never be a couple in any traditional sense of the word?
My husband knows about this man. He knows how often I’ve cried because of him. He has held me when it felt like my heart was breaking. He hates the other guy because I have cried. I know that I should respect my husband, and let go of J, but I can’t. I have tried.
J and I fight often. I try not to talk to him, that never works. Because one of us will speak to the other. We are from different backgrounds, ages and races. What makes sense to me doesn’t make sense to him. And I am often in disbelief with his way of thinking.
When I do fight with J, things don’t feel right. I feel off center. Like there is a disturbance on my force. It bothers me when I don’t have contact with my friend. Yes, I love him, but he means the world to me as my friend. I let go of “being in love” but I will always love him on some level.
I wish I understood why it happened. I wish I knew why I connected to this guy I don’t have much in common with. Sometimes it feels like maybe we were connected in a former life, and those feelings still exist. It’s hard to explain, but there is a connection there.
I know I sound delusional. I’m almost 52, and he’s 33. I’m white, he’s black. I grew up in solid middle class suburbia. He grew up in the “hood” (his word, not mine) I grew up very religious, he doesn’t even believe in god. The only things we have in common is our football team, and we both have social anxiety. But somehow we clicked. Go figure.
I don’t even know why I’m writing about this yet again. It’s nothing new. Maybe I’m hoping that one day I will see things in a different way. Maybe one day the feelings will change again. We went from casually tweeting, to talking in DMs, to talking whenever possible, to both admitting that we loved the other (I felt like I had been punched in the gut when I realized I actually loved him) Things changed, they became (non physically) sexual. I was madly in love. Then things changed again. I let go of being in love. It literally took several years for that to happen.
I have a relationship with a man who is not my husband. He is not my boyfriend. He is not my lover. We’re friends. I say friends with a twist. We have a history. We have feelings that are not just about friendship. I let go of some feelings because I had to, they were literally messing with my head.
What isn’t complicated is I really care about him. What is complicated is that I love him. Sometimes I wish it was possible to be together. But it isn’t possible. I have a wonderful husband, and he tolerates my love for J, but he will never share me.
I will freely admit that I am a mess. I don’t make sense. My life doesn’t make sense to anyone else. I’ll still trying to deal with things. For some reason, God gave me a huge heart. I love more than most people. It’s my super power. I will just keep on loving, it’s what I do best.