This post was written in 2014
Life is weird. Love is even stranger. I fell in love with someone I can never be with. I know this, and I accept it. But I can’t say goodbye to him. He started out as a friend, and he’ll always remain a friend. And there is the problem, how do you remains friends with someone you fell in love with? Normal conversations you could have with a regular friend take on a different meaning with someone that you have loved, and had a sexual thing with (even if it was only online).
I am happy he found his person. He deserves to be happy. I want to go back to being just friends. I want to be able to joke about things like before. I don’t want to think about him in ways I shouldn’t be thinking. Is it even possible to go back to just being friends when you’ve already crossed that line?
I know the right thing to do for my marriage is to say goodbye, and break off contact. But I can’t do that. I don’t want to lose J as a friend. My husband knows about J, and he hates it, but he deals with it because he loves me.
I talk to J almost daily online. We try to keep it light. We talk about my husband, we talk about his girlfriend, we talk about life in general. We talk alot. Sometimes our conversations enter territory they shouldn’t. Sometimes we can change the subject, and sometimes we can’t.
It is so bizarre to love someone I’ve never met, but yet, I feel like I have a connection to him. It’s bizarre to have feelings I didn’t even know were possible, or that I didn’t want. If I had even known such feelings were a possibility, I wouldn’t have started talking to him. But who could have known that me asking him if he was ok would lead to such things? I certainly didn’t. He didn’t either.
Accidentally falling in love with someone doesn’t change the fact that I fell in love with someone other than my husband. Judge me all you want, but that was never my intention. I didn’t flirt, and I certainly never lead him on. I just liked talking to him.
The funny thing about falling in love online is the fact that you really do fall for the person. I didn’t even really know what he looked like. Actually, if I had known what he looks like, I probably wouldn’t have talked to him. Talk about reverse discrimination, not talking to someone because they are too good looking. I knew the basics, he was younger than me, and he was black. But that doesn’t matter when you make friends.
Anyway, now I love a man I can never be with. I’m ok with that. We aren’t ever meant to be together. We are too much alike in some ways, and way too different in other ways. But, the fact is, I love him. So a part of me still wants to be with him. But mostly, I want to go back to the easy days of being friends. I don’t want to feel jealousy. (Ironically, I’m not jealous of his girlfriend, but of his ex girlfriend)
Sometimes being in love sucks.
I found this post in my drafts from three years ago. Things have changed, and yet, they haven’t. I still love J, but I think this time I can really say that I’m not in love anymore. Too many things have happened, and I have changed. I will always love him as a friend. But the wanting to be with him is gone.
I would like to be able to hang out with him as a friend, but I don’t know if that will ever be possible. One thing I have learned, is that anything is possible, even if it isn’t probable. We fight, but always seem to make up. I have no idea what you would label our relationship, but it’s ours.
Things have changed. I have changed. I no longer allow certain things to slide. If he decides to leave because of it, then so be it. I’m just trying to deal with things in whatever way I can.