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Self discovery

In 2013, I was white, Christian, married, monogamous and straight. Or, so I thought. I’ve learned so much more about myself since then. I’m still white, married and Christian, but even the edges of those facts have become blurred.

I am married, but I have since discovered that I am bisexual. I have been my entire life, but I never had the sense, or the courage, to accept it. My husband reluctantly agreed to let me explore that part of myself. I dated a lesbian for a short time. I had my one and only same sex experience with her. I’m proud of myself for the fact that I made her squirt. Not bad for a nervous novice.

So, I’m not straight. That was a surprise, sort of. I’ve been attracted to females for basically as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realize that I was. I never had a female friend to discuss the matter with. I thought every female felt the same way. Since I couldn’t put a name to it, and I had no experience, I couldn’t really accept it. It didn’t help that I had a very homophobic brother. I will never forget him telling me that he wished that Boy George was in front of him singing, Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? and my brother would be holding a baseball bat.

I said I was monogamous… Technically I still am. If you don’t count me making a lesbian squirt by fingering her, I haven’t have sex with another person (other than my husband) in 25 years. I have been in love with three very different people at the same time. I am not monogamous, I’m polyamorous. Although I am no longer in love with the two other people, I still love them, and care very much about them.

My sexuality has been all over the place in the last 4 years. In 2013, I hit 46. And all hell broke loose. I learned how erotic words are. I learned how to please myself while talking to another person. For a few years, I was hyper sexual. I had an addiction to phone sex, and sexting. I was good at it. I even sexted a straight woman, and made her orgasm.

I didn’t necessarily go looking for trouble, but it certainly found me. I found a man who was 19 years younger than me who wanted to be my lover. I didn’t want to cheat on my husband, so I asked if I could. He said no. Of course, he would say no. I didn’t really expect another answer.

Something inside me changed after that conversation. The urge to want all these sexual things seemed to slow down, then eventually go away. Part of it had to do with physical changes in me, but psychologically, I didn’t have the need to behave that way.

So, I’m not straight, and I’m not monogamous. I’m still white, but I learned some history about my family. My sister was researching family genealogy. She discovered that we have relatives who survived German concentration camps. And they were later buried in a Jewish cemetery.

That blew my mind. Being a Christian has been a huge part of my life. I went to a Christian college for two years. I stayed a virgin until I was 23. But then I learn that we most likely have Jewish ancestry. Wow.

The revelation of Jewish family is not a bad thing. It’s just now it feels like I have thousands of years of history to absorb.

In the past four years, I fell in love with another man. I accepted that I am bisexual. I fell in love with a woman. I had a non physical sex addiction (sexting & phone sex). Everything I have thought about myself has changed.

I’ve learned so many things. I’ve felt sexy, beautiful and wanted. I’ve also felt tired, and alone. I am 50 years old now. I am not the same person I was at the start of 2013. Sometimes it feels like my life is like a kaleidoscope. All the colors are there, but in an instant, they rearrange themselves into another picture. It’s still colorful, and beautiful, but totally new.

I’m entering a new phase in my life. I can’t say that I enjoy the physical part of it, but I am still learning about myself. Life is a series of changes, some are so gradual, we never really notice them. Other changes are huge, and rock a person to their core. I have learned that I am not the person in the neat little box that society wants to shove me in. Screw the boxes, I’m embracing the rainbow. rainbow6

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I won’t stay silent

I am 50 years old, and I am bisexual. My husband can not understand why I mention it. He says that since there are people who would kill me for that fact, so why don’t I remain silent? Because I am not going to let those people win.

It is highly unlikely that I will ever have a romantic, or sexual relationship with a woman. I am married to a man. I pass as straight. I could stay quiet, but I won’t. I don’t walk up to people, and announce my sexuality, but I will talk about it when the subject comes up. I blog about it, because seeing my thoughts in print sometimes helps me deal with things better. I will post on Twitter or Facebook regard LGBT issues.

I won’t silence myself to make other people comfortable. I do not have to accept their hatred, or bigotry. I have lost “friends”. I was told by my own sister that I have the devil in me. That hurt. Nothing I say will change her opinion that it’s a choice, but I can call her on her shit.

I didn’t come out until I was 46. I haven’t spent my entire life in fear of being discovered. I accepted it as a middle aged adult, in a committed relationship. I had no fear of losing anything/anyone of value. That has made me sort of bold. I didn’t have to worry about losing jobs, or housing.

I speak about being bisexual, because I can. Because maybe there is someone out there who needs to hear that it’s normal. That we aren’t freaks just because we are attracted to men, and women.

I have been attracted to women my entire life. It always seemed natural to me. In a way, that was my saving grace. Before I accepted my sexuality, I accepted that you can’t control who you are attracted to, or who you fall in love with. It just happens. Society can tell you that it’s not normal, because they don’t understand it. But, it is normal. Just because it’s not common, doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.

My husband wishes that I wasn’t bi. He was happy thinking that he was all I’d ever want. I love him dearly, but a part of me will always crave a woman. I hate that it effects him negatively. In all honesty, if I could choose to not be bisexual, I would. But I can’t. It is as much of my DNA as having green eyes.

My name is Ellen, and I am bisexual. I am attracted to, and can fall in love with a man, or a woman. I should not have to fear losing my job, my home, or my life because of it. I shouldn’t have to fight for equal rights because of it. I shouldn’t be told I’m going to hell because of the way God made me.

I’m sorry that it bothers my husband, but I honestly don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. I can’t change what I am. It isn’t a choice. I could stay silent, and pass as being straight, but I won’t. Too many people have suffered because of who they are. I have a voice, and even if only one person hears it, I will speak the truth.

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Regrets

I am 50 years old now, and I have more than my share of regrets. I think my biggest regret was that it took 46 years for me to accept that I am bisexual. I didn’t suddenly become bi, it just took me that long to learn that the feelings I’ve had my entire life made it a fact.

Imagine not knowing such a basic fact about yourself like what your own sexuality is. I’ve always been attracted to other females, I didn’t know that not every female felt the same way. I didn’t know that what I felt about my fourth grade teacher was in fact a crush, and not just admiring her.

Facts…I am bisexual. One of my earliest memories was looking at a porn magazine, and liking the pictures of women. I didn’t know what sex was. I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to like seeing those women. I didn’t know that some people considered it “unnatural”. It felt natural to me.

Because I was also attracted to males, I didn’t feel weird. I didn’t think that I was odd. I looked at porn when I came across it (considering this was the 70s & 80s, I saw quite a bit for such a sheltered child)  I knew porn was supposed to be “wrong”, so I felt guilty about that, but not because I was looking at women.

I didn’t accept myself until I was 46. I had been married for 20 years at that point. A year after that, my husband agreed to let me explore. I’m sure in his mind, he thought there wasn’t a chance of me finding someone to explore with. I did go on a few dates with a lesbian I met on Craigslist.

That was a rather bizarre experience, mostly because she was a rather flaky person. But she did do one thing, she gave me my one and only sexual experience with another female. I got her off, but she didn’t touch me. I kind of still think of myself as a virgin when it comes to female sex. My fingering her was the equivalent to giving a blow job to a man. It is a sex act, but not actual intercourse.

So my regret stems from coming out so late in life. I didn’t get the chance to explore when I was younger, and not so self conscience. I’m 50, and going through menopause now. My body has changed. I don’t think I could ever relax enough to actually get naked, and have sex with a woman. I regret that I will not get to experience that kind of intimacy.

I am bisexual, and I crave that intimacy. I want to touch another woman. I want to snuggle with her. I want to be close, and be able to caress her. I want the stupid, and sappy things. Just because I am married to a man I love deeply, that doesn’t stop me from wanting those things. I am not greedy, and I’m not selfish. I am biologically wired to want those things.

I wish that I had known that I was bi when I was younger. But I don’t think I was mature enough to deal with it. I was raised in a religious household. I was heavily involved in church, and I went to a Christian college for two years. Even if I had known, I was too shy and introverted to even attempt to meet a woman for the purpose of dating.

There are times when I wish that I was still ignorant. I wish that I still thought that I was straight. Why did I have to learn it? I suppose that I needed to know. I fell in love with a woman. There is nothing I can do about that. I am married to my husband, and she is married to her wife. Why did that have to happen?

I think that is one of the most bittersweet events in my life.  I have the knowledge that I can love a woman in a romantic way. I also have the knowledge that all I can do is love her, and accept that it isn’t something that was meant to become a relationship. I can live with that.

The irony is, we both lived in Miami when I was in my early 20s. She literally worked right across the street from me. But I met her online 25 years later. There will always be that “what if” in my mind. Even if nothing happened, I wish I could have met her, and just have known her then.

I do have regrets that it took me so long to figure things out. But it wasn’t meant to happen sooner. I’m not sure why it had to happen at all. The knowledge has caused grief. It has caused problems in my marriage. It’s like showing someone a bakery window, but telling them that they aren’t allowed inside to try anything.

If I had accepted my sexuality in my youth, where would I be now? I most likely wouldn’t be around at all. I wouldn’t be married to my husband.

They say everything happens for a reason. I believe God made me this way.  So, at the very least, I don’t have an issue with believing it’s wrong or unnatural. I will just always wonder why it took me so long to come to terms with it.

Do I regret that I am bisexual? Sometimes I do. It has caused problems. It is troubling to know that there are people who would kill me because of it. It annoys me that people fetishize it, or think that my sexuality exists because it increases their chance of having a threesome.

I think I most regret the idea I will not get to experience being intimate with a woman. It’s not impossible for it to happen, but it’s extremely unlikely. I have regrets, but they are about things that can’t be changed now. Maybe things will change, but for now, I just have to be content with how things are.

 

 

 

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I own my sexuality

I talk about sex, a lot. I like to post pictures of women I think are sexy. I’m open about my sexuality. Unfortunately, some people think that means that I should be open to being sexual with them. I’m a woman, being sexual means I’m available, right? Wrong.

I’m a very sexual person. I don’t have many hang ups. But just because I talk about stuff, it doesn’t mean I want to extend my energy to anyone else. I am allowed to be a sexual being, without being a sexual object.

I don’t have to justify my behavior to anyone else. I am a sexual being. I own my sexuality. Just because someone else sees that as a sign of availability, I don’t.

Since I’m on a rant here, here is another pet peeve. I’m a big woman. I am middle aged. People act like I am not allowed to have, or enjoy sex. That’s a load of crap. I don’t have it as often as I used to (my husband is ten years older) but I still get plenty of action. I can’t do everything I once was able to, but I still enjoy sex.

I’m fat. I have sex with the lights on. I enjoy having sex with my husband. So all the haters out there throwing the word “fat” at me like an insult, can go get lost.

I’m an adult. I have sex. I enjoy it. I enjoying talking about sex. I do not enjoy people assuming things about me. On top of everything else, I’m bisexual. People fetish-ize that. I do not have threesomes. I have no desire to have one.

I am a sexual being. People either assume I’m up for anything, or they feel threatened by it. Get over yourself. I do what makes me happy, not what other people think I should do.

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