I’ve had a hard time with depression this year. I’m sure part of it has to do with the fact that my heart is pulled in too many directions at one time. It’s tiring. I should I only care about my husband, but he isn’t the only one.
I’m aware that hurts him, and that pains me. I have tried to let go of the feelings I hold for others. But it seems like every time I think I’m done with those feelings, I get pulled back in again. I woke up one morning, and decided that I was going to let go of my feelings for T. Just a few hours later, she messaged me to call her. So, of course, I did. We talked for hours. And of course, my feelings for her were still firmly intact.
My feelings for J have shifted. I will always love him as a friend, but I’m not in love with him anymore. I know I’ve said that before, because I thought it was true. But it’s for real now. I probably could have stayed in love with him forever, but his actions made sure that didn’t happen. And I’m honestly glad I don’t feel the same way. I did ask him one night to let me go, he said, No.
I know that they both care about me, I don’t doubt that. But I need to not care so much about them. Years ago, I didn’t realize that you can love more than one person. Three years and three months ago, I found out that it is possible. It’s painful loving someone you can’t be with. And loving two of them that way? Exhausting.
I’ve been asked why I just don’t block them from my life. I literally can’t do it. I need to know that they’re safe, and happy. I have to have contact with them.
I have so many mixed feelings. It is kind of awesome to love, and be loved by these people. It is also a special kind of torture. When you love someone, you want to be with them. I can’t do that. They are both with the people who are their soul mates. I am with my soul mate. Out of all the people I’ve talked to over the years, why did I connect with him & her so strongly? What drew me to them?
I don’t get to talk to T very often, circumstances don’t allow it. I cherish the times I do get to talk to her. I talk to, and argue with J on a regular basis. We fight. We usually apologize, and go about our regular lives. I kind of figured he would have given up, and moved on already. Be he still hangs in there too.
I don’t know why this happened to me. David doesn’t understand how I can love more than one person. I told him that maybe he loves me so well, I have more love to give. Is it such a horrible thing to love so much? I wish I could let go. Maybe I’m holding on to them when I should let go. Maybe I’m hoping they make that final move, because I can’t do it.