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Turning it off

I wish there was a way to turn off feelings. I’m so tired of feeling too much. I’m tired of loving too much. I’m tired of hurting my husband because I can’t control who I love.

I’m tired of being hurt because of the people I love. I’m tired of people telling me that I’m important to them, but their actions prove the complete opposite. I’m tired of someone wanting me to hold on to them, when they do their best to hurt me.

I’m just tired. I’m tired of being used. I’m tired of people wanting what I can no longer give.

I’ve started to withdraw from everyone. I’m trying to let go of things. I don’t have the energy to deal with people, and the emotions they bring with them.

I used to pity people who didn’t know love, but now, I envy them. Loving hurts. Wanting someone you can’t have hurts. Having those feelings hurts the one man who loves me completely. He’s the one person I never want to hurt, but I do it constantly. I hate myself for that.

I just want it to stop. But I can’t make myself let go. I think the feelings leave, but all that happens is that I bury them for a short time. They always resurface.

I suppose my solution would be to cut them out of my life. But I can’t seem to do that. I don’t know why. Part of me needs them. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Knowing what to do, and actually doing it are two very different things. One day I will let go. I just have no idea when it will happen.

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3 thoughts on “Turning it off

  1. We seek to love and be loved, are told how wonderful it is to love and be loved but as a famous song goes, love hurts, even when it’s being good to us. Years ago, I either read or heard that the worst thing you could do to someone is to love them, seemingly an oxymoron when we’ve been told – and believe – that loving someone was the finest thing we could do to and for someone.

    Then we learn – and, too often, the hard way – that love is grand but so greatly overrated and more so when none of us share the same version of what it means to be in love, what goes along with being in love; what we’ve been given is an idea of what love could be and maybe even what it’s supposed to be and, too often, we find that the reality of loving and being loved is very different and so much that, just as you’ve done here, we wish we could turn it all off and not be bothered with love.

    And then learn that we can’t turn it off, that to do so makes us less than we want to be and that it dehumanizes us, and that without love, life doesn’t mean a whole lot and that a major goal in our lives gets taken away: To love and be loved as much as possible, for as long as possible, and to the best of our abilities.

    As much as love can be a royal pain in the ass, a life without love is much, much worse…

    Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, it’s not supposed to hurt but it can, just as we can be pulled in many directions when, ideally, we’re told to follow a single direction. The bad thing about love isn’t what you can do for the sake of love – it’s often what you can’t do that frustrates and causes pain.

        We are instructed that when you love or are loved, you’re supposed to do…stuff for those that you love and who loves you. But when love shows its true colors – it can’t be restricted and contained to just a select “group,” we struggle because we can’t do what we’re supposed to do when love is in the air, not when you love more than one.

        Which is why I told you a long time ago now that to ease the pressure on yourself, just accept that this is how you feel and that, sometimes, you can’t do anything about how you feel. Then, be grateful that you’re one of those people who can love so openly because there are hoards of people who can’t love and who are afraid to love.

        Liked by 1 person

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