When I was 4 or 5, I found a porn magazine. I didn’t realize that’s what it was, but I liked the pictures of women. When I was 9, my oldest sister worked in a convenience store, I would go behind the counter, and look at those magazines. By that age, I knew they were porn, and I shouldn’t be looking at them. But I didn’t know that, as a female, I shouldn’t like looking at them.
I was a very sheltered child, but somehow I managed to come across several magazines as a kid. I liked looking at them. It never once occurred to me that the liking was actually an attraction. I thought every female felt the same way. I didn’t know that I was “different”
I had crushes on boys, but I had a crush on my fourth grade teacher too. She was young, and had dark hair. I had no idea that it was a “crush”. I just knew that I liked her.
I played with Barbies, but I had the female dolls kissing each other. I think I had a Ken doll, but he wasn’t very important. He was there because he was “supposed” to be.
In high school, I had crushes on male and female teachers. Once again, I didn’t realize the feelings towards the females were crushes. I was so ignorant. During my two years in college, still no clue.
All through my 20s and 30s, I was still clueless. I had sex with a guy for the first time when I was 23. I met my husband at 25, and married him when I was 26. My husband is my soul mate, and I love him. It always just felt right.
But then came 2013. The year I turned 46. I had a mid life crisis. My hormones went crazy. I had an online sexual thing with a guy I met on Twitter. I never masturbated so much in my life. And then somehow, I fell in love with another man I met on Twitter. I did not flirt with him. There was not a sexual element involved. The friendship evolved, and changed into something more.
Once we both acknowledged the change in the friendship, it became sexual (never physical). Because of him, I had to accept the fact that I wanted oral sex. I always blocked the thought from my mind before then. Once I accepted that I wanted oral sex, for some reason, I was finally ready to admit that I wanted it with a woman.
At 46 years old, I finally accepted myself for what I am, a bisexual woman. I am attracted to men, and to women. As I get older, the attraction seems to lean more towards women. It doesn’t feel weird, I have always been bisexual. I was literally just ignorant that is actually what it was. I did not know that you could be attracted to both.
Coming out was strange. Some people were fine with it. Others had a problem with it. I lost friends because of it. I had my favorite sister tell me that I had the devil in me, and that I needed to “get right”.
I came out on Twitter, and as a result, a lesbian struck up conversations with me. Falling in love with another man while in love with my husband was strange, and bizarre to me. I had no idea that was even possible. I learned to accept it. I just figured that I had so much love to give. (Once again, it was never physical. I did not cheat on my husband)
Then, out of the blue, I realized that I loved the lesbian friend too. Once again, it felt natural. Caring for multiple people was strange, but the love I had for them individually just felt right.
That was a few years ago. I still love both of them as friends. The “in love” feeling has passed. It was a weird time in my life, but it never felt forced or strange.
Coming out has changed my life in some odd ways. I see life differently now. I do accept the attraction I feel for both sexes. It’s not unnatural. It’s not wrong. It’s just how I am. I am attracted to, and I am capable of falling in love with either sex (I’m not getting into how many sexes/genders there actually are. I identify as bisexual, not pansexual)
I’ve learned that the default does not have to be a man/woman couple. I don’t assume when someone says “wife”, that they are a man. I’ve learned that sexuality, and attraction can be fluid. I have learned that polyamory is a real thing. You can love more than one person at a time.
Accepting that I’m bisexual has been painful. I have lost people I thought were friends. I have lost one job because of it. The scariest thing is realizing that I am not straight, and that there are people who want to kill me because of that. There are people who think I am a second class citizen because of it. There are people who think I should not have the right to marry a woman. I am married to a man, and have been for 25 years, but what if I had fallen for a woman first?
There are times I wish that I was still ignorant. What good does it do me to know that I am attracted to women, but I can’t really do anything about it? A few years ago, I did go on some dates with a lesbian. I had my one sexual experience with a woman with her. I made her orgasm. I wasn’t touched, so in a way I still feel like I’m a virgin.
Being a virgin doesn’t mean someone isn’t bisexual, but the experience took away any doubts I had about being aroused by a female. Touching the other woman didn’t make me a “legitimate” bisexual. People don’t seem to understand that. Attraction is the only thing that matters when it comes to sexuality.
Becoming me has been a strange experience. I am not “normal”. I never have been. I did not realize that my awkwardness around females was because I felt attractions, but I didn’t know that’s what they were. I am still astounded about how clueless I was. I wish I could have learned the truth earlier, but then I probably wouldn’t have met my husband. It’s difficult wishing for something when you already have your someone.
So, what am I? I am a 51 year old woman, who has been married for 25 years. I love my husband, but I really wish I could have a girlfriend too. Does that make me a greedy bisexual? Probably. I am a late bloomer. I want to explore, and do the things I didn’t get to do when I was young. But, I can’t. Technically, I have my husband’s permission to “explore” but the reality is that I’m no spring chicken, and most women are not interested.
So, what I am is frustrated. But, that’s life. I won’t get to explore. I won’t get to know the wonders of another woman’s body. Maybe I shouldn’t say “won’t”. Anything is possible, but it’s not likely. I am the “me” that I’m meant to be. I don’t know why I am this way, but it’s the way God made me.
Bellaelena 