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I have changed

I’ve been fairly quiet on here recently. I used to post constantly about being in love with more than one person. That has changed. I’m not in love with more than one person now. My husband has my whole heart again.

I still love the other two people, but I’m not in love with them. I gave up. The last time I spoke to her in August, she told me I was a very important person in her life. But I haven’t heard anything from since then. I don’t know if she’s alive. I had to let go for my sanity. I never thought we had any chance of a relationship, but I honestly miss the friendship.

With him, falling out of love came in stages. Certain things happened that chipped away at it. He lied to me. He made promises he never intended on keeping. He manipulated me. He tried to gaslight me, telling me I never said things that I know damn well that I said. He told me to go to hell more than once, knowing that I am a Christian, and I believe in hell. He blames everyone else for his actions.

I always knew from the start that we couldn’t have a relationship, but I was still in love with him. But too many things have happened for those feelings to remain. I will always love him, because that is just the person I am. I probably could have stayed in love with him if he had been a different type of person.

I dealt with things by convincing myself that it was meant to happen. That he needed me to prepare for his soulmate. But things have changed with her, and it’s honestly thrown me into some turmoil. If they aren’t meant to be, why did it all happen?

A few nights ago, I wasn’t responding to his verbal bait. I refuse to engage/argue anymore. He told me that I changed. Damn right that I’ve changed. I won’t be manipulated. I’m not going to waste my energy like I used to. At some point, I decided that enough was enough.

Letting go is a relief. I was torn in too many directions. I am so grateful for my husband. He let me deal with things in my own time. He let it die a natural death. He’s a good man. Way too good for me. All of my experiences in the last four years have taught me one thing, and that the man I have is all that I need.

Things have changed with my husband and me as well. Sex used to be such a big factor in our marriage. It’s caused much pleasure, but also caused conflict. It appears that I’m passed my midlife crisis. All the risky behaviors, and the obsession with sex has passed. Although we have gone from the once a day as newlyweds, to once a week as a long time married couple, we still connect emotionally.

I’m not the person I was 4 years ago. I have come to terms to accepting my bisexuality. I honestly don’t like it, and wish it was a choice, but it isn’t one. I no longer obsess about finding a girlfriend/FWB. If it ever happens, that would be wonderful. But I don’t seek anyone else. I don’t engage with horny men online anymore. At one point, I liked doing that, but I don’t now.  It’s too much of a waste of mental energy.

I have changed, physically and mentally. I let go of so many things. I just don’t have the energy for them anymore. My friends are just friends again. No more mooning over them. I am an older, married woman. I love my husband. He’s been the one constant in my life for 24 years now.

I was told that I had changed. It was meant as an insult, but I will accept it as a compliment. I am not what I used to be. I am not too happy about some physical changes, but I am happy about the person I turned out to be. I have always had so much love to give, and I hope that never changes. But I won’t be drawn into being in love. I have the love of my life, and I will be grateful for that the rest of my life.

 

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