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Dark days, and hope

2016 has been a bad year for me. I have suffered from depression for most of it. I have had depression in my life, but I’ve never had such a long period of it before. I felt like I was in a downward spiral, and I’d never see the surface again. I thought about suicide many times. About how easy it would be to take those pills, go to sleep, and never wake up again.

I felt lost. I felt worthless. I felt like I was just taking up space, and had no reason to exist. I wished that I didn’t exist. I was afraid of my own thoughts.

I got fired in April. The depression had me in such a firm grip, I couldn’t even gather myself together enough to put in applications. And when I did so some, I got the thanks/but no thanks emails. That sent me even deeper into that dark place.

Friends tried to help. They told me I was a good person, and that I was loved and needed. Nothing seemed to help me.

I haven’t been a part of a church in ages, and I didn’t have much faith to hold on to. Being bisexual, I’ve been told I have the devil in me, and I’m going to hell. So, I figured if that’s true, I might as well go big.

My van died. So now I have no job, and no vehicle to look for one. And no outlet to get out of the house. Then comes the feeling of being trapped, and even more depression. It just felt like a boulder was sitting on my chest.

Our bills are getting behind. I was worried about our power being shut off. I was reaching a breaking point. A few night ago, on Twitter, I asked if anyone could loan me $500, and I’d pay them back $600 in May. I really didn’t think anyone would respond.

But yesterday, I woke up, and I had a message from a Twitter friend. He said he would loan us $200 (actually ended up at $250). I told him I really appreciated that, but I thought things were tight for him too. He said he could do it. I asked why, and he said because he appreciated me, and my tweets.

The loan was pretty amazing on its own, but his words meant so much to me. He had me laughing, and crying at the same time. He said he was doing it because he had been helped before. The Pay It Forward philosophy in action. I do believe God works through people.

The loan is a blessing. It means we keep going for another month. But there was even more good news. He sent the money through Paypal. I checked my account to see if it was there. It was, but my balance was actually at $510. I was shocked. I have no idea where that money came from, but it is desperately needed. Miracles do happen.

Between the money, and his kind words, things don’t seem so bad now. And because I have to make sure that he gets his money back, I have to make sure that I stick around. His act of kindness probably saved my life.

I honestly have no clue why I exist. I try to do good things. I know by me talking to one person, I prevented her from committing suicide. I’m having a bad year, things have really dragged me down. But once where I only saw darkness, I see a light again. There is hope for better things. I’ve been through bad times before, but I am a survivor. People actually do need me, and love me.

It’s been a dark time. So many things were getting me down. It all just felt hopeless. I had a man nearby offer me money for sex. I was such a low point, I considered it. That is how low I sunk. My friend offered me hope instead.

Another Twitter friend said she would send something to help out. And she didn’t want to be repaid. I was overwhelmed. There are good people out there. Amazing, kind people. And I am blessed to know them.

I still don’t have a job, or a vehicle, but I have hope again. I have a reason to stick around. (If you are wondering why I didn’t see my husband as a reason to stay, I feel like he could find someone better than me)

People have reached out to help, and that is an incredible thing. Many times in my past, I helped people just because they needed it. Once, I brought a young German couple home from work with me. They stayed overnight, showered and I washed their clothes for them. In the morning, I drove them to the Greyhound station. It was risky, but it just seemed like the right thing to do.

The depression has been bad, and it was almost deadly. The kindness of some friends has helped lighten that. There is some reason God still wants me around. Maybe I’m just needed to be my smart ass, opinionated self. To be the person who is concerned, and loves so much.

My all time favorite movie is It’s A Wonderful Life. I’ve always identified with George Bailey. He wanted to commit suicide because he thought he was worth more dead than alive. His friends, and all the people he helped, convinced him that he wasn’t rich in money, but he was certainly loved and appreciated.

I met the friend who is loaning me the money one time. We talked before the game at MetLife Stadium. He’s a fellow Dolphins fan. I liked him, and enjoyed talking to him. I didn’t realize how he would help me out one day.

I reached out from an abyss, and a friend grabbed my hand. He gave me a reason to hold on. I just need to pull myself together. I have things that need to get done, and I can’t let the depression control me any longer.

I have a great husband. I have friends, even if I only talk to them online. I am very well loved. It’s been rough, but I will make it through. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends.
~ Clarence Oddbody, It’s a Wonderful Life (1946).

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