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A closed door on an open marriage

I debated writing about this topic, because it paints me in a bad light. A few days ago, I asked my husband to consider having an open marriage. He has already agreed to let me be involved with a female if I could find one. But this time, I was asking his permission to allow me to be with another man. Not to screw anyone with a penis, just one specific man.

This specific man approached me on the Whisper app. Apparently he liked my frankness in talking about sexual things. He was always upfront with what he wanted, and that was me. I told him from the beginning that he was wasting his time, that I couldn’t cheat. He said I was a challenge.

For months he has flirted with me. In spite of me telling him that I was a waste of time, I did respond. I haven’t sexted him. I haven’t had phone sex with him. But I’m very attracted to him. He is intelligent, he’s funny, and he has a good body. He’s attractive in a quirky way, and he’s also military. He’s kind of my kryptonite.

He is also 19 years younger than I am. Once upon a time, I freaked out because I fell in love with a guy 18 years younger. I am not in love with this guy. I don’t want a relationship with him. I just want him as a friend with benefits. And he would be happy with that arrangement.

My husband said no. He was extremely hurt, and upset that I even asked. I made him feel like he wasn’t good enough. I knew that asking would hurt him. But frankly, I knew that if I went behind his back, and he found out, he would be destroyed. I respect him too much to cause that much pain.

I love my husband, he’s a very good man. But he is also 10 years older than I am. Time has taken a toll on both of us, but especially on him. He has limits now. After almost 24 years together, things have changed. I can’t get the things I crave.

I am aware that I am selfish. I am aware this makes me a bad wife. I have put him through so much in the past three years. I really debated asking. I debated just going ahead and doing it, and hope that he wouldn’t find out.

I’m not trying to hurt him, I just want to experience some things that I can’t get from him. I want to do it before I’m too old to enjoy them. But I meant those vows I took 23 years ago. I can’t do it without him giving me permission.

He doesn’t own me. It’s my body. But we have a marriage. What one of us does, effects the other. He has been the best husband he knows how to be. He does not deserve to be disrespected.

I took a chance. I risked doing even more harm to my marriage than I have already done. I asked him for permission. He said no.

I’m disappointed. I’m not going to lie, I wanted to have the experiences with a younger man. But, I can’t.

To be honest, I’m not sure I could actually do anything with someone new. I could freak out, and run. This guy could have just been playing me. He always said he wanted to “break” me. I asked him once why he pursued me, he knew from the beginning that I’m married. He said maybe because his ex wife cheated on him, and that was his way of getting revenge.

It doesn’t matter what his motivations are, I can’t indulge. I will always wonder what it would have been like. I know what my motivations were. I wanted new experiences with someone different. I also know it’s because it feels like I have a hole in my soul that needs to be filled.

I asked, and I got told no. Life will go on. I did damage to my marriage, again. I hurt my husband, again. I was selfish to ask. But there was an extremely small chance that I could have gotten a yes. They say that what you will regret most, is the chances that you didn’t take. I took a chance. It didn’t work out as I had hoped it would, but that’s life.

 

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