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Self discovery

In 2013, I was white, Christian, married, monogamous and straight. Or, so I thought. I’ve learned so much more about myself since then. I’m still white, married and Christian, but even the edges of those facts have become blurred.

I am married, but I have since discovered that I am bisexual. I have been my entire life, but I never had the sense, or the courage, to accept it. My husband reluctantly agreed to let me explore that part of myself. I dated a lesbian for a short time. I had my one and only same sex experience with her. I’m proud of myself for the fact that I made her squirt. Not bad for a nervous novice.

So, I’m not straight. That was a surprise, sort of. I’ve been attracted to females for basically as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realize that I was. I never had a female friend to discuss the matter with. I thought every female felt the same way. Since I couldn’t put a name to it, and I had no experience, I couldn’t really accept it. It didn’t help that I had a very homophobic brother. I will never forget him telling me that he wished that Boy George was in front of him singing, Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? and my brother would be holding a baseball bat.

I said I was monogamous… Technically I still am. If you don’t count me making a lesbian squirt by fingering her, I haven’t have sex with another person (other than my husband) in 25 years. I have been in love with three very different people at the same time. I am not monogamous, I’m polyamorous. Although I am no longer in love with the two other people, I still love them, and care very much about them.

My sexuality has been all over the place in the last 4 years. In 2013, I hit 46. And all hell broke loose. I learned how erotic words are. I learned how to please myself while talking to another person. For a few years, I was hyper sexual. I had an addiction to phone sex, and sexting. I was good at it. I even sexted a straight woman, and made her orgasm.

I didn’t necessarily go looking for trouble, but it certainly found me. I found a man who was 19 years younger than me who wanted to be my lover. I didn’t want to cheat on my husband, so I asked if I could. He said no. Of course, he would say no. I didn’t really expect another answer.

Something inside me changed after that conversation. The urge to want all these sexual things seemed to slow down, then eventually go away. Part of it had to do with physical changes in me, but psychologically, I didn’t have the need to behave that way.

So, I’m not straight, and I’m not monogamous. I’m still white, but I learned some history about my family. My sister was researching family genealogy. She discovered that we have relatives who survived German concentration camps. And they were later buried in a Jewish cemetery.

That blew my mind. Being a Christian has been a huge part of my life. I went to a Christian college for two years. I stayed a virgin until I was 23. But then I learn that we most likely have Jewish ancestry. Wow.

The revelation of Jewish family is not a bad thing. It’s just now it feels like I have thousands of years of history to absorb.

In the past four years, I fell in love with another man. I accepted that I am bisexual. I fell in love with a woman. I had a non physical sex addiction (sexting & phone sex). Everything I have thought about myself has changed.

I’ve learned so many things. I’ve felt sexy, beautiful and wanted. I’ve also felt tired, and alone. I am 50 years old now. I am not the same person I was at the start of 2013. Sometimes it feels like my life is like a kaleidoscope. All the colors are there, but in an instant, they rearrange themselves into another picture. It’s still colorful, and beautiful, but totally new.

I’m entering a new phase in my life. I can’t say that I enjoy the physical part of it, but I am still learning about myself. Life is a series of changes, some are so gradual, we never really notice them. Other changes are huge, and rock a person to their core. I have learned that I am not the person in the neat little box that society wants to shove me in. Screw the boxes, I’m embracing the rainbow. rainbow6

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