It’s almost 4AM, EST. I can’t sleep. For some reason, I started thinking about me abandoning the idea of having a girlfriend. There are many reasons why I decided to stop looking, but I think what has disappointed me the most, is that I lost the opportunity to write about the possible experiences I could have had.
One of the problems with me, is that I am too open and honest. If the other person is not fully out of the closet, then my attitude can cause problems. I’ve never really been IN the closet. I went from not having a clue, to announcing it to the world. I am married to a man, and I’m bisexual. I don’t have children that would be affected by me coming out. That I want to explore the female attraction bothers my husband, but he won’t forbid me to do it.
The fact that I am on Twitter, and I blog about being bisexual bothers some people. I’ve been told that I’m seeking attention, and that I live my life on social media. I do spend too much time online, but when I write, most often it’s because I am trying to figure things out in my head. Seeing my thoughts in print helps me to accept things.
But, I do have to admit that looking at the numbers is some kind of ego boost. As someone who has mostly been invisible for my entire life, having people pay attention to me is a sort of a drug. I don’t write to impress anyone, but it’s nice to know that people are interested enough to read my posts.
I don’t always have the urge to write, and other days I post several times in a day. Sometimes I just need to rant, and get things out of my system. Sometimes I’m being passive aggressive. I say what I want to say to someone, without telling them directly.
Some days, something in particular strikes a chord in me. It could be a response to something I saw on Facebook, or Twitter. It could just be a meme I have in my download files. Sometimes I just want to tell a story.
Every so often, I read through my older posts. It’s kind of interesting how my thought processes have changed. I went from coming out as bi, to wishing I could have a girlfriend and to saying it could never happen. But then I actually went on a few dates with women. I had one sexual experience with a woman. So I learned that anything is possible.
I’m a pretty boring person. I don’t go out often. I don’t socialize in person. The idea of dating a woman intrigued me. The reality of it wasn’t so great. The first woman was rude, and rather flaky.
The second one showed promise in conversation, but she shut it down once we met in person. She stopped talking to me. And that sort of hurt. I was really just wanting someone to hang out with. The possibility of sex wasn’t even an issue for me.
For a very short time (less than 24 hours) I had a profile up on Ok Cupid. It seemed exciting at first, but then it didn’t. It upset my husband because I didn’t discuss it with him first. And he was extremely upset that a couple checked out my profile. (They didn’t contact me)
Those profiles are designed so people can figuratively sell themselves. I’m a married woman who is often broke. I felt like I had nothing to offer. In the section “You should message me because” I couldn’t think of anything to put. Does it matter that I’m funny? That I like giving massages? Does it matter that I wish I had a woman I could do silly romantic things with? I don’t know.
I needed to step back. I’ve been told that I shouldn’t give up looking. I’m not giving up on the idea entirely, I’m just not actively seeking. I’ve fallen in love three different times, and each time, the people came to me. I know that literally anything is possible.
I grew up believing that we have only one soul mate. There is only one person to fulfill all our wants, and desires. I have since learned that I can love more that one person at a time. That different people can fill different needs. I learned that polyamory is a thing. I learned that some open marriages can work.
I’ve learned things about myself. I learned how much I do love my husband. I have learned that he really is my soul mate. But I also learned that I do crave things, that as a male, he can’t give me. That doesn’t make me a bad person, it just makes me more complicated than most people.
You would think by my age, I would know everything about myself that I needed to know. You would be wrong. I learn new things all the time. People teach me new things constantly.
It’s been kind of interesting to see how my moral compass has changed. At first I said that I would not have any kind of experience with another woman because it would be cheating. But then I had one. I don’t think of it as cheating because I had my husband’s permission, and I told him about it.
Would most people consider that adultery? Probably. It is certainly bending the “rules”. Do I feel guilty because of it? Not at all. Will I go to hell for it? I don’t know, ask God.
I first bent the rules by having an online sexual fling. Then I fell in love with a man online. Then a woman online. I am more complicated than I appear at first glance. I’ve done damage to my marriage by my actions. I’m so grateful my husband is a forgiving person. And I am well aware that I don’t deserve him. But I am so blessed to have him.
So, back to the idea of me dating a woman. I’m 48 years old. I’ve been married 22 years now. I don’t want to “date”. I’m socially awkward. I’m shy, introverted and have social anxiety. Dating is torture. I don’t want to put myself through that again.
I’ve had unexpected people enter my life, and change it completely. I have learned that I am very capable of loving. I am not giving up on the idea of maybe finding a female companion, but I am not going to actively seek her. When I shut down my Ok Cupid account, I told my husband that I may want to revisit the idea some day. But for now, I’m content.
I have broken rules in my time. I have bent the rules too. But I know this, I don’t live my life by other peoples rules. I never really have. I don’t care what society says I should do. I do care what my husband’s opinions are. It may seem like I disregard them, but I don’t. I am just trying to find my way is a world that I am not familiar with. I am just trying to explore things that I didn’t have the chance to explore earlier in my life.
You may not agree with my actions, but you’re entitled to your opinions. I am entitled to live my life. As long as consenting adults are involved, does it matter if I am breaking or bending rules?