Rage against idiots

I was filled with rage today. My sister texted me. She told me that our sister in law told our mother that our nephew, Ryan, was gay. She said our mom’s face turned white, and she was upset.

She said that the sister in law also told our mom about the abuse Ryan endured at the hands of the bastard he called a step father. My sister went on to say that Ryan being gay was because he was abused by his step father. And that the devil has a way of breaking down morals.

I snapped, and told my sister to keep her opinions to herself because I don’t want to hear them. What kind of bullshit is that? He’s gay because his stepfather was a monster??

You can’t argue with narrow minded bigots. So I just quit talking to her. I am not going to live my life being told I have the devil in me. I have my own demons, and they have nothing to do with me being bisexual.

It’s sad to know my own family members are so homophobic. And they wonder why I don’t want to speak to them. I have been having a hard time lately, dealing with life in general. I don’t need toxic people in my life, even if they are blood. So I have to walk away to save my sanity.

I’m bi, not queer

My name is Ellen, and I’m bisexual. I’m not gay, and I’m not queer. Lea DeLaria from Orange is the New Black thinks everyone non heterosexual should label themselves as queer. I don’t feel comfortable with that.

It took me until I was 46 to accept that I’m not straight. I actually cried when it finally hit me that I wasn’t heterosexual. That I am different. That I could be killed just for the fact that I am also attracted to women as well as men.

I am not gay, because I am attracted to men. I don’t like the term “queer”. It has a negative connotation for me. It’s just a label, but I don’t feel like it suits me.

In all reality, the term pansexual would probably suit me best. I fall for hearts, not parts. But it’s hard enough dealing with people’s reaction to bisexual. At least that they can comprehend that easier.

I’ve been told I have the devil in me. I’ve been told I’m a sinner. I’ve been told the person “doesn’t believe in that” (like I’m a figment of my own imagination)

I don’t really like labels. I have never fit well in boxes. I call myself bisexual, because I am attracted to males and females. I honestly don’t understand all the gender labels out there, so I’m not going to get nit picky about things.

I’m not heterosexual, but I’m also not queer. I’m not a label, I’m just me. Anyway, I don’t really find queer to be offensive, I just don’t think it me. I guess that technically it is, because I’m certainly not normal.

 

I have a story to tell…

I have a story to tell. It’s not my story, but I am part of it. When I came out as bisexual in January of 2014, I decided to use my blog as a way of coping with it. I read some very interesting posts on bisexuality. I also met, Rob/Kdaddy23.

Rob became my mentor. He explained so many things to me. He helped me figure out some stuff. And he made me realize that maybe I could have a husband, and a girlfriend. He explained that there has to be rules. Things needed to be agreed on. But it is possible to have a somewhat open marriage.

Personally, I haven’t had much luck when it came to dating. I did go on a few dates, and got to have one sexual experience. My husband says it’s ok for me to explore, but balks at me actually looking.

So, that’s a little background info on me. One day I was on Whisper. And this guy messaged me. I will call him Max. He tells me that his wife is bisexual. She has never experienced being with a woman. She wanted to, but wanted to be faithful to her husband.

So, here’s kind of the surprise element. He wants his wife to explore her sexuality. He wants her to find a woman to be with. He asks me how to convince her.

I honestly don’t remember that I told him. But I did say it’s not cheating if she has permission. If he agrees to it, then it could happen.

I did point out several things to him that he hadn’t considered. Like where could she find this woman? Where would they have sex? Would the woman be introduced to family, and if so, as what? How much family money could be allocated for dates/hotels.

I also warned him about jealousy. This would be something he was not a part of. Threesomes would most likely not be a thing.

Well, he talked to his wife. She decided to go for it. She got on OK Cupid, and immediately started talking to woman. And…..found a date for that night. Max was rather stunned. He was not expecting things to move that fast.

I told him for safety’s sake, get the woman’s name and phone number. And tell him to have his wife text him to let him know where she was.

Well, the date went well. And his wife decided to spend the night with her at a hotel. That went well too. Max was kind of giving me play by plays throughout the night. He was feeling the effects of the jealousy I warned him about.

When his wife got home. she smelled of the other woman. That turned him on. They ended up having sex that morning, and that made him happy.

At first, when Max and his wife were figuring out the rules, it was to be no sex in the homes. But the women decided that they wanted to be at home. So the rules were changed.

So, the two families met, and got along. The relationship was explained to the kids. The other husband, and children went home. The women went to the couple’s bedroom. Max slept in the guest bedroom.

Things moved very quickly. The women clicked. Max likes the other husband, and the families get along. That is their story.

Me? I’m suffering from extreme jealousy. I’ve been looking for a year, and couldn’t find anyone who evens wants to hang out with me, much less have sex. But this isn’t my story.

I asked Max if this would have happened if he hadn’t talked to me. He said it wasn’t very likely. So, two women I have never met, and will never meet, had their lives changed because of my conversation with Max. I helped a man convince his wife to find a female lover.

That makes me feel kind of odd. They were my words, but honestly, most of the thoughts came from my conversations with Rob, https://kdaddy23.wordpress.com/

Things seem great at this early stage. The families are getting together again soon. I’m happy for them, and yet I still suffer from jealousy. I can’t help it. I’m happy for them. It seems like they hit a home run the first time at bat. So, I need to remove my emotions from this. This is their story, but it wouldn’t have had a start if not for me. But it is my story to tell.

 

Bisexual rollercoaster

It’s amazing how many years I lived in ignorance. I thought that gay rights had nothing to do with me. I was so wrong. It does mean something to me. It effects me directly.

Accepting that I am bisexual came in waves. First I had to admit that I was attracted to women. I had to admit that I wanted to have sex with women. I had to say it out loud. I had to tell the people in my life.

I had to accept the facts that came with coming out. I am not straight. Sounds simple, right? Being attracted to women meant that I wasn’t what I thought I was my entire life. I am not straight. I am bisexual. The fact that I have not had a relationship with a woman is not relevant. The attraction is what defines a person’s sexuality.

In accepting my sexuality, I realized I had a lot of learning to do. I learned that people are killed for being gay/bi. Why? What are people so afraid of? When it hit me that I could literally be put to death for being who I am, it felt like I got punched in the gut. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t choose it. God made me this way.

When I came out, one sister told me I had the devil in me. Another sister called me a sinner. My brother unfriended me on Facebook. All because I am attracted to women. I’m afraid to tell my mom. I couldn’t handle her rejection.

One of the things I learned, was that bisexuals don’t fit in anywhere. We aren’t straight. And we aren’t gay. Bisexual women get treated like sex objects. We’re here to provide men with that elusive sexual thrill of a F-M-F threesome. Yeah, no.

Bi phobia is a very real thing. We are told that we’re confused. It’s a phase. We’re greedy. We can’t be faithful. We spread diseases. We are told we have to have sex to prove we’re bi. We’re told that we’re gay. We’re told we’re straight if we’re in a heterosexual relationship. I was flat out told that I wasn’t bi when I came out to a friend. Who are they to decide what I am? I got called a fake gay, and that I only say I’m bi because I’m seeking attention.

I was told by my husband that I could have a girlfriend. Yeah, right. Reality hits when you’re allowed to do something. I have no experience. I’m married to a man. I couldn’t offer a woman much. Lesbians don’t want to date bisexual women.

************************

I found this post in my drafts file. I don’t know when I started it. I actually went on a few dates with women. I met them both on Craigslist. I had a sexual encounter with the first one. She let me play with/suck on her breasts. I fingered her until she came.

We hung out a few more times after that, but it was never meant to be. I’m grateful for the one experience, but the other hassle just wasn’t worth it.

I talked to the other woman for about a week. We met and talked. She hugged me, but told me that she didn’t think anything physical would come of it. I was ok with that, because I wanted a friend more than anything. But she quit talking to me. I am not in the mood to chase anyone, so I let it go.

I signed up for Ok Cupid. That lasted about 24 hours. My husband wasn’t happy that I did without talking to him first. And he got very upset that a couple checked out my profile. (They didn’t contact me)

I decided that my husband, and my marriage, were more important than having a relationship with a woman. I tried, and I failed. No point in beating a dead horse.

I have fallen in love three times. Each time, that love came to me. I never went looking for it. I know that I can not have a relationship with two of them, but I still love them.

I will be honest, and say that I want a relationship with one of them. I love her. I wish she could be my first female lover. I wish she could be my only female lover. That is impossible, and I know that. Frankly, I’d rather give up on the idea of girlfriend because I can’t have her.

I feel like an idiot. I crave someone I’ve never met in person. I’ve talked to her online, and on the phone. I’ve seen pictures of her. But I’ve never hugged, or kissed her. I’ve never been close enough to inhale her scent. I’ve never touched her skin. And I want to.

I ask myself why do I feel that way about her. Why do I care so much? I don’t know. I just know that when I am wanting the touch of a female, I know it’s her touch that I want. And I know that I can never have it.

I hate this. I wish I didn’t feel this way about her. She is married, and totally off limits. I’m married, and I should be off limits. But, by some fluke of fate, I fell in love with her. She’s beautiful. She’s so strong, but so vulnerable. She would make me feel safe, but I would want to protect her.

I hate myself sometimes. I am married to a wonderful man. He’s not perfect, but he’s pretty damn close. He loves me without reservation. He loves me in spite of all my flaws. I love him so much. He is my soul mate, and I would be lost without him. But I love her too. It makes me happy, and it breaks my heart too.

I love David. But I also love her. That makes me angry at myself. How can I love her like that? Why can’t I give him 100% of my heart? I can’t, because there is a part of me that loves her for the female she is. I have a heart that holds more love than most people can comprehend. It doesn’t make much sense, but that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.

I used to think that I was an uncomplicated person. I know that isn’t true. I’m honest to a fault. But my heart doesn’t believe in simple. The love for my husband is uncomplicated. It makes all the sense in the world.

I love a man 18 years younger than I am. He’s a different race, comes from a different background, and has different views from mine. It is complicated. But it is also simple. I fell in love with his personality. We fight, and we disagree, but there is a bond we have that won’t easily go away. We were never meant to be together, but we were meant to meet. I will always love him as a friend.

I love a woman close to my age. She is similar to me in some ways, and totally different in others. She is a protector by nature, but I feel so protective towards her. I wish it was possible to have her in my life, but that is impossible. I honestly don’t know if I will ever even get to speak to her again. That doesn’t even matter. She will always be in my heart.  She’s the one I picture when I imagine that mythical “girlfriend”.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just know that I was on YouTube, and watching music clips from the show, Glee. Some of the songs made me think of the way I felt about her. She is the Shakespearean drama in my life.

Me loving the online guy was weird, but it makes sense. I needed him. I think he needed me. No, we weren’t ever meant to be a couple, but we were meant to love each other.

Me loving her is a mystery. Why did she suddenly start talking to me a year after the first time I talked to her on Twitter? Why did she feel comfortable opening up to me? She was basically my first sexual interaction with a female, even if it was only with words. I liked it. I liked the way she made me feel. I love her.

Honestly, there was no way I could help falling in love with her. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s sexy. She draws people to her like a magnet, but she doesn’t see why. I know she can’t have me in her life, but damn it, it makes me smile to know that she cares about me too.

My life is not simple. God made me bisexual. God gave me the ability to love several people. I’ve had many people touch my life. Some people have loved me, even when I could only love them as friends. I have loved, and been loved back. I saw something that said, “I am hard to love, but I love hard.” That’s true. My love may not make sense to everyone, but it makes sense to me.

There are times when I wish that I wasn’t bisexual. I wish that my husband was the only person I love. But I am not like everyone else. I will love who I love. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else but me. Sometimes my emotions make me scream, and cry. Sometimes I think about them, and I just smile. I smile because I am blessed. ☺

 

 

It does matter

I had an interesting conversation with my 20 year old nephew. He mentioned wanting to plan a family reunion. I said I didn’t want to deal with my homophobic brother. He said he didn’t either.

I asked him if he was dating someone, a guy or a girl. He said a guy. I asked him if he was gay or bi. He told me he is gay, and that I’m the first person he’s told. I’m glad he felt comfortable telling me. I told him that I have his back when it comes to telling family members.

Someone asked me why I talk about being bisexual. Because it matters. It helps some people feel not so alone.

My nephew has had a very difficult life, and being gay certainly does not make it any easier. But at least he knows he has a family member who has a clue what he’s dealing with.

I’m still learning to deal with my bisexuality, but I do know it’s been an immense relief to have a bi best friend, and to have have met Rob/Kdaddy23 on here. Maybe my coming out was a good thing.

So, tell your story, you have no idea who might need to hear it. I have lost friends, and have had family members turn their backs on me, but I have to be honest. I am bisexual. It is just as much a part of me as having green eyes.

Just doing my thing

Before I accepted that I was bisexual, and came out, I wouldn’t like pro LGBT things on Facebook. I was worried that my “Christian” friends would judge me. But then I finally accepted me for who I am, a bisexual. I came out on Facebook. I lost some of my so called “friends”. My own brother bailed on me.

Now, I share those pro LGBT posts. I think people need to see them. I think they need to see that we aren’t faceless people. Those LGBT people are their own siblings, aunts/uncles, mothers/fathers. We exist. We should have the same rights as everyone else.

We are normal. We aren’t perverts, or deviants. We aren’t destroying the sanctity of marriage. We aren’t trying to convert anyone to the “dark side”. We are just trying to live our lives in the face of difficult circumstances at times.

I was asked by one of my friends why I keep mentioning that I’m bi. I said because it’s a part of who I am. And I’m normal. People need to realize that we are the person next door. And that we aren’t out to get them.

I think the flamboyant, and pushy LGBT people make others feel uncomfortable. Straight people shy away from them. I tend to blend into the background. I’m shy, and generally mind my own business. But if I can make one person change how they see things, I’m going to continue doing me.

Moovz

So, I saw an app mentioned. It’s for LGBT people. It was sold as a way to meet like minded people as friends. So I signed up for it. It seems kind of like a cross between Facebook and Twitter, but for non heterosexuals. And like a way to easily hook up with people. It’s called Moovz.

I’m not looking for a hook up, but it would be nice to have a place where I felt like I fit in. On the other hand, it could be dangerous. I now have a history of trouble finding me online. And one of the features on there shows you where other people are located. There was a lesbian who checked in 1,400 feet away from me today. Kind of intriguing, and scary at the same time.

I’m tired of being a hermit. I wish I could find a friend to hang out with. Do I also wish for something else? Maybe. I’m not sure I’ll ever be in a position to have that though.

I’m not sure it’s a good idea to be on there, but you never know. Maybe I could make some friends I wouldn’t have before. I can always delete it, right?

No, I won’t be quiet so you can be comfortable

I’m going to be 48 in four weeks. I honestly never thought I make it this far. I almost died a few days before my 30th birthday. I often wonder why I didn’t just let it happen.

I wish I knew what my purpose in life is. I’ll never do anything grand, or ground breaking. I’m just me.

Maybe being just me isn’t a bad thing. I’m finding my voice as a bisexual person. And I’m starting to use it. I’ve noticed that more people are coming to me, and telling me that they’re LGBT.

I’ve had some people tell me to be quiet. That the world doesn’t need to know my business. The key phrase there is “my business”. If I make them uncomfortable, they can exit my life. Having one less homophobic person around works better for me. I don’t know how me being bisexual effects their life in any way, shape, or form.

Sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone helps. I post things online that are pro LGBT. It offends some people, and gives other people hope.

It isn’t easy being different. People don’t choose to feel like freaks, they’re made to feel that way. Bisexuals seem to have it the worse. While we might have “straight privilege” while being with an opposite sex partner, we get bi-phobia from both the gay and straight communities.

I didn’t choose to be bi. I wouldn’t choose it if I had a choice. But I’m not broken. The gay can’t be prayed away. Being bi is what I am. It’s what I’ve always been, even when I didn’t realize that’s what I was.

I didn’t accept that I was bisexual until I was 46 years old. It took me that long to figure out that what I felt meant I was bi. It took me that long to understand that being turned on by women, and men, was the definition of being bisexual.

I am not confused. I’m not curious. Just because I have not had sex with a female does not negate my sexuality. I am bisexual.

Yes, I keep saying it. I say it because people try to erase me. They try to say I don’t exist. They try to say I’m gay, but in denial. They try to say I’m not bisexual. They try to say that I don’t fit in with gay or straight people. They try to act like bi women only exist as sexual playthings.

I’m real, and I do exist. I am not the unicorn for a married couple. I am married to a man, and have been for going on 22 years. That does not mean I’m straight. It just means that I am monogamous.

It’s 2:30 in the morning here. I’m tired, and should be sleeping. But I just needed to rant. I don’t know why I was born this way, but it is the way I was born. I had the signs of it since I was at least 5 years old. I just didn’t know how to read those signs. I was also attracted to men, so I ignored the obvious attraction to women.

Many times I wonder how different my life would have been if I known sooner. Could I have possibly found a woman as a soul mate? Would I have been able to handle it then? (To be honest, I probably would have been a suicide statistic if I had known in high school)

Things work out the way they’re supposed to. I did find my soul mate, and it was a man. He is acceptable to society.

He is still dealing with the fact that I am attracted to women. I’m not sure that it has completely sunk in yet. I’m not sure he quite gets that I could fall in love with a woman as easily as I could fall in love with him.

One thing I’ve kind of noticed, is that I seem to feel some resentment from lesbians. They are extremely guarded about their personal lives. They have to be, because they can be the targets of harassment or harm. Because I’m older, and already in a long term relationship, I’m more open about who I am. I don’t have a fear in saying what my sexuality is.

I told one woman that I have a told a few people that I’m bi for the “shock value”. To explain that, There was one person I worked with knew me for years, and knew my husband, He walked up to me, and called me Ellen Degeneres. I told him that I was only half gay. He looked at me in shock. And I told him that I was bisexual. My co worker didn’t need to know that I was bi, but the opportunity was there. So I told him.

But when I told the woman that story, it seemed like she withdrew from me somewhat. I would never out someone else, but that was a moment for me that I felt like taking.

I am not you. I don’t do things the way you would do them. And I’m not quiet. I may be shy & introverted, but I will speak my mind. And no one has the right to stop me from doing that. People have options. They can block or ignore me. But I won’t be silent just because I don’t fit into the image they think I should have.

I have a voice, and I will use it. Maybe posting the LGBT memes on Twitter may seem lame, but it might help one person by giving them strength. Or it might help change the attitude of someone else. You never know.

I won’t change who I am, not for anyone. Me being bi does not make my husband less of a man. If anything, it makes him more of a man because I chose him over all other men, and women.

I’m not going to change who I am. It took me 47 years to be comfortable with the person I am. It took me 46 years to accept myself. I don’t need the approval of others. And I won’t be quiet because what I say makes someone else question themself. I’m going to be me.

Be a fruit loop

I’m different. I always have been. I wished I was normal, but that wasn’t to be. I’ve always been fat. I’ve always been shy and introverted. And I was bisexual, even when I didn’t know that was a label for me.

I never followed trends. I chose to read about strong women in history. I chose to learn. I chose to embrace being different.

I am still different. But now, I’m learning to use my voice. There was a time I wouldn’t have said a word when I thought something was wrong. I am not that person anymore. I will speak up. It may get me in trouble, but I will say what I have to say.

There was a time when I got a little irritated thinking that gay people twisted something as pure as a rainbow. But as I’ve grown, and accepted myself, I have decided it’s the perfect symbol for the LGBT community. We make life interesting. We add color to the world. We are proof that life isn’t black and white.

I am me. I’ve had people try to tell me that I am not what I say I am. Their opinion doesn’t matter. My opinion of who I am is the only what that matters. And I am a good person. I make mistakes because I am not perfect. But when I love, I love hard. And it just so happens that I can love a male or a female.

In society, to fit in means to follow the norm. Everyone looks, and acts like everyone else. I always have been the oddball. And it suits me. I will never waste money on some expensive purse because it’s the “it” thing to have. I’d rather spend my money on rose bushes or books.

I am me. I am the quiet, yet colorful person you don’t know quite what to make of. I am the smart ass who makes people laugh by being myself. Some people won’t like me, and that’s ok with me. I don’t like everyone either. They do them, and I do me.

Out and proud?

I’m bisexual, and I’m out. But I kind of don’t get the being “proud” about it. It’s a part of me that can’t be changed, like eye color. I’m not ashamed that I’m bi, God made me this way.

I guess the pride comes from being able to accept myself, and admit it to other people. I’m done hiding from myself. It took me 46 years to accept that truth. But I did accept it. Some people never do.

I’m not going to lie. I wish I wasn’t bi. It does cause conflicts in my marriage. The desire to be with a woman, but stay faithful to my husband is a struggle.

The fact that it took me so long to accept it is a problem. I didn’t know I was bi when I was younger, and single. After 20 years of marriage, I changed the dynamics.  But we’re dealing with it.

I’m proud that I can finally see who I am, and accept it. I’m still not sure that a sexuality is a source of pride though. Im still learning.

My voice

I’ve been told I that I need my life validated by social media. Just because I use my voice, and I talk about things that concern me. No one said that everyone has to like it. There is always a choice to mute, unfollow or block. I’m not making anyone pay attention to me.

Speak up, you never know who you might be inspiring. I’m not in the closet anymore. I don’t care what people think about me being bisexual. And it’s cost me friends, and I’ve had relatives say/do hurtful things.

I am me, nothing or no one is going to change that. I am not going to deny who I am to make anyone else comfortable. I don’t run around waving a flag, but I am not going to stay silent either. I have a purpose in life, and that’s to be me. And I will never be a docile, submissive person.

Only an insecure person would expect someone else to change just to please them. Life doesn’t work that way. The truth will come out eventually.

I am a force of nature, and can’t be controlled. The best you can do is prepare for the storm, and ride it out.

I actually tried to change who I am for someone else. I couldn’t do it. I won’t do it. I love my husband, and I respect him. I take his feelings into consideration, but he doesn’t control me. He never has. He will never get involved in the LGBT cause, because that isn’t him. But he doesn’t have a problem with me being me.

I am only one person, and my voice is small. But maybe I speak a truth that someone needs to hear. I won’t be silent because some people think I should be.

The silent B in LGBT

I joined a group on Facebook that is supposed to be for lesbian/bi/pan women. But when I asked if I was “allowed” to mention my marriage, I was basically told not to. It’s so damn frustrating.

I’m too gay for heterosexual things, and too straight for the lesbian ones. Sometimes I’m glad that I didn’t know that I was bi when I was younger. I would have felt so isolated. I’m grateful for WordPress, because I can connect with people like me.

People really think that sexuality is a choice? I would not choose this, it’s frustrating. I never really cared to fit in the crowd when I was younger.  But now, I just want to be around people who have a clue what I’m feeling. My husband doesn’t understand it. He’s one of the ones who think that because I haven’t acted on it, that means it doesn’t exist.

I never understood the isolation that has led to so many suicides, but I’m beginning to. You do feel all alone. And it seems like being bi is worse than flat out being gay. You aren’t really accepted by either group. People say it’s LGBT, but the B is mostly silent. We’re confused, and greedy. When all we are, is predisposed to being attracted to either sex.

I guess I’m going to stay frustrated. I’m still dealing with personal acquaintances, and their resistance to me coming out. I have to deal with society. I have to deal with not fitting in because I’m not gay, and I’m not straight. And I have to deal with the frustration of not being able to explore that part of who I am. It sucks.

Not waving the rainbow flag, yet

I came out a year ago as bisexual. I haven’t really jumped on the rainbow bandwagon. I’m out, but I’m married to a man, so it isn’t obvious that I am attracted to women too. 

The past year has been interesting. I became friends with a lesbian online. We’ve had some interesting conversations. She was nice, and answered a lot of questions for me.

I’ve talked to other lesbians on Twitter too. It seems they started noticing they liked other girls when they were around 6 or 7. If I had any clue how to read signs at all, I would have had an idea then I liked girls at that age too.

It’s amazing to think how different my life could have been if I had a female friend to share those thoughts with. But, I didn’t. I just thought the feelings I had were thoughts every female had. I did not know it meant that I was bi. I was really that ignorant.

In high school, I had a crush on my French teacher. I didn’t recognize that’s what it was at the time. I thought it was just a case of me wanting to be like her. It took me 30 years to accept the truth.

When I came out last year, I had people tell me I was brave. It hasn’t really changed my life much. I had people I considered friends who just went away. It took my husband a while to accept that it wasn’t a phase I was going through. I don’t think he quite grasps the fact yet that me being bi means that I can love a woman as much as I love him.

I would like to get involved with LGBT things, but I don’t know how. I’m an introvert, so that makes it difficult for me to explore those things. And being bi is not as accepted as the acronym suggests. I never heard of bi phobia before I came out. I figured straight people would have a problem with it, but I didn’t expect gays to have a problem as well.

One thing that has annoyed me is that when I mention being bi, I’ve been told I’m attention seeking, or being boastful. So, ok, maybe the world doesn’t need to know that I get turned on by males and females. But that doesn’t mean I talk about it in order to hook up with people.

It’s kind of hard to really want to get into things when I feel like an outsider there too. I’m not gay enough for people. I didn’t have any choice in the matter of who I’m attracted to. But I like women too.

On top of me being an introvert, and shy, I’m also married to a man who is homophobic. He isn’t a hate filled person, but he’s been grabbed and propositioned by males, so he’s leery around gay men. So he wouldn’t attend things with me. And with also having social anxiety, having him around helps me. So I would need him to help keep me from bolting.

After reading things about LGBT youth being kicked out of homes, isolated by their families, and the suicide of Leelah Alcorn, I wish I could do something there. I wish there were safe places for them to go, and feel welcomed. One of the worst feelings is feeling all alone, that there is no one you can talk to.

I want to help, and I need to figure out a way to. I’ve been thinking about volunteering again, maybe this is what I need to be to doing.