rant

No, I won’t be quiet so you can be comfortable

I’m going to be 48 in four weeks. I honestly never thought I make it this far. I almost died a few days before my 30th birthday. I often wonder why I didn’t just let it happen.

I wish I knew what my purpose in life is. I’ll never do anything grand, or ground breaking. I’m just me.

Maybe being just me isn’t a bad thing. I’m finding my voice as a bisexual person. And I’m starting to use it. I’ve noticed that more people are coming to me, and telling me that they’re LGBT.

I’ve had some people tell me to be quiet. That the world doesn’t need to know my business. The key phrase there is “my business”. If I make them uncomfortable, they can exit my life. Having one less homophobic person around works better for me. I don’t know how me being bisexual effects their life in any way, shape, or form.

Sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone helps. I post things online that are pro LGBT. It offends some people, and gives other people hope.

It isn’t easy being different. People don’t choose to feel like freaks, they’re made to feel that way. Bisexuals seem to have it the worse. While we might have “straight privilege” while being with an opposite sex partner, we get bi-phobia from both the gay and straight communities.

I didn’t choose to be bi. I wouldn’t choose it if I had a choice. But I’m not broken. The gay can’t be prayed away. Being bi is what I am. It’s what I’ve always been, even when I didn’t realize that’s what I was.

I didn’t accept that I was bisexual until I was 46 years old. It took me that long to figure out that what I felt meant I was bi. It took me that long to understand that being turned on by women, and men, was the definition of being bisexual.

I am not confused. I’m not curious. Just because I have not had sex with a female does not negate my sexuality. I am bisexual.

Yes, I keep saying it. I say it because people try to erase me. They try to say I don’t exist. They try to say I’m gay, but in denial. They try to say I’m not bisexual. They try to say that I don’t fit in with gay or straight people. They try to act like bi women only exist as sexual playthings.

I’m real, and I do exist. I am not the unicorn for a married couple. I am married to a man, and have been for going on 22 years. That does not mean I’m straight. It just means that I am monogamous.

It’s 2:30 in the morning here. I’m tired, and should be sleeping. But I just needed to rant. I don’t know why I was born this way, but it is the way I was born. I had the signs of it since I was at least 5 years old. I just didn’t know how to read those signs. I was also attracted to men, so I ignored the obvious attraction to women.

Many times I wonder how different my life would have been if I known sooner. Could I have possibly found a woman as a soul mate? Would I have been able to handle it then? (To be honest, I probably would have been a suicide statistic if I had known in high school)

Things work out the way they’re supposed to. I did find my soul mate, and it was a man. He is acceptable to society.

He is still dealing with the fact that I am attracted to women. I’m not sure that it has completely sunk in yet. I’m not sure he quite gets that I could fall in love with a woman as easily as I could fall in love with him.

One thing I’ve kind of noticed, is that I seem to feel some resentment from lesbians. They are extremely guarded about their personal lives. They have to be, because they can be the targets of harassment or harm. Because I’m older, and already in a long term relationship, I’m more open about who I am. I don’t have a fear in saying what my sexuality is.

I told one woman that I have a told a few people that I’m bi for the “shock value”. To explain that, There was one person I worked with knew me for years, and knew my husband, He walked up to me, and called me Ellen Degeneres. I told him that I was only half gay. He looked at me in shock. And I told him that I was bisexual. My co worker didn’t need to know that I was bi, but the opportunity was there. So I told him.

But when I told the woman that story, it seemed like she withdrew from me somewhat. I would never out someone else, but that was a moment for me that I felt like taking.

I am not you. I don’t do things the way you would do them. And I’m not quiet. I may be shy & introverted, but I will speak my mind. And no one has the right to stop me from doing that. People have options. They can block or ignore me. But I won’t be silent just because I don’t fit into the image they think I should have.

I have a voice, and I will use it. Maybe posting the LGBT memes on Twitter may seem lame, but it might help one person by giving them strength. Or it might help change the attitude of someone else. You never know.

I won’t change who I am, not for anyone. Me being bi does not make my husband less of a man. If anything, it makes him more of a man because I chose him over all other men, and women.

I’m not going to change who I am. It took me 47 years to be comfortable with the person I am. It took me 46 years to accept myself. I don’t need the approval of others. And I won’t be quiet because what I say makes someone else question themself. I’m going to be me.

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