Rage against idiots

I was filled with rage today. My sister texted me. She told me that our sister in law told our mother that our nephew, Ryan, was gay. She said our mom’s face turned white, and she was upset.

She said that the sister in law also told our mom about the abuse Ryan endured at the hands of the bastard he called a step father. My sister went on to say that Ryan being gay was because he was abused by his step father. And that the devil has a way of breaking down morals.

I snapped, and told my sister to keep her opinions to herself because I don’t want to hear them. What kind of bullshit is that? He’s gay because his stepfather was a monster??

You can’t argue with narrow minded bigots. So I just quit talking to her. I am not going to live my life being told I have the devil in me. I have my own demons, and they have nothing to do with me being bisexual.

It’s sad to know my own family members are so homophobic. And they wonder why I don’t want to speak to them. I have been having a hard time lately, dealing with life in general. I don’t need toxic people in my life, even if they are blood. So I have to walk away to save my sanity.

I came out….again

I came out as bisexual to the brother closest to my age. I had no idea how he’d react, but I had to do it. He was actually cool about it. It’s a big relief after dealing with two of my sisters.

I don’t even know why it matters that my family knows. It really isn’t their business. But at the same time, it feels like I’m hiding a part of myself by not telling them. And I’m not a false person.

I still can’t tell my mom. I don’t think she could handle it all. Maybe I’m doing her a disservice by not telling her. Maybe I’m denying myself the chance to have her accept me/my sexuality. I don’t know. I do know that it’s unlikely I will ever have a relationship with a woman, so there is no point in stressing her out. (My sister recently died from cancer)

Eddie was telling me about our nephew wanting to organize a family reunion. I balk at the idea. I know the subject of my sexuality would probably come up there. Mainly because of my very homophobic oldest brother, and his sons.

My brother, Eddie, made a comment that made me wonder. He said Gerald has alot of issues of his own. Makes me wonder if the homophobia is coming from his own self hatred.

I don’t know. I just know my reality. My reality is that I accept that I’m bi. I honestly wish it was a choice, because I wouldn’t choose it. But I am what I am. The gay can’t be prayed away. I’m not broken, so I can’t be fixed. Maybe I just got to be lucky, and love more than most people.

You’re safe from me

I was at work the other day. Two other employees were talking about lesbians. How they stand out. And how they couldn’t understand the attraction for the same sex. I just listened, and didn’t say anything.

One cashier got a customer, and left the conversation. The other one went on about it. I finally said something. I told her I was bisexual. And that it wasn’t a choice. People were born that way.

She proceeds to tell me that it is a choice, and that you can pray away the gay. I just laughed at her.

Then she starts going on about how she couldn’t handle it if a lesbian hit on her. I almost laughed in her face. She’s bug eyed, and has buck teeth. I’m pretty sure a self respecting lesbian would NOT hit on her.

I am attracted to men, and to women, but I have my preferences too. I am not attracted to everyone. Especially not to someone with a nasty attitude.

The pain of being out

Yesterday, I discovered that my brother unfriended me on Facebook. I’m assuming it’s because I came out as bisexual last year, and I’ve been posting gay friendly things on there.

I lived with that brother, and his family for a year. He taught his sons to use the word “faggot” as an insult. I know he’s homophobic. I also know that in the last 5-10 years, he’s been a member of a church that preaches that everyone not of their faith is going to hell. So I choose not to have any contact with him anymore.

A few people said I should I ask him why he did it, and not to burn bridges. I’m not doing either of those things. He can contact me if he chooses, but I’m not reaching out to him. I am not going to be lectured that I’m going to hell for being the way that God made me.

I choose to live my life in peace. I’ve already been told by one sister that I have the devil in me, and that I was a sinner by another one. I think one of the reasons it took me so long (46 years) to accept myself is because of my family. I had to let go of the ties they had over me first.

I’ve only been out for a year now. I’m still dealing with the ramifications of it on my life. I joke, and I say that I’m the rainbow sheep of the family. But it still hurts how I’ve been treated. Only one person in my family has accepted me for who I am. I am afraid to tell my mother. I use the excuse that I won’t be in a relationship with a woman, so she doesn’t need to know. But I’m afraid of being rejected.

My coming out has been relatively easy, if you don’t count relatives. I’ve had people I considered to be friends, just leave. But I haven’t had anyone be truly hateful. They just went away. It does hurt. Especially the ones who call themselves Christian. I guess they only have love for those people who follow what they consider to be proper lives.

It kills me when people say they don’t agree with my “lifestyle”. I’ve been married to a man for 21 years. But suddenly I’m a pariah because I admit that I’m attracted to women too? That makes no sense to me. But like I said, I choose to live in peace. They can be as hate filled as they want to. My only judge is God. And since he made me the way I am, he has to be good with it.

Interconnected

I’m in one of those moods where I want to write, but not sure what to write about. I had a story running through my head earlier, but it made me cry. Is that weird? I was kind of surprised by my last piece, “The heart wants what it wants”. It seems that it was shared on Facebook, and it got more hits that I usually gets. I forget how interconnected everything on the internet is. I try to not connect with Facebook because of me talking about being bisexual, and the fact that I fell in love with a man other than my husband. Most of the people on Facebook are family members, people the from the church I grew up going to, high school, and the Christian college I went to. Lots of people who would get upset who would get uptight over the bisexual talk, and the implications of me “cheating”. But I can’t control what other people do. If one of my Facebook friends reads something, how they react is up to them. It’s not a secret that I’m bi, I came out on Facebook last year. I lost some so called friends because of it. But at least they were respectful, and just left. They didn’t lecture me, or say anything harsh to me. I don’t understand people. How does me being attracted to women and men effect them at all? It’s like I’m going to be hitting on people, and they have to watch. I’ve had varied reactions to coming out. People who have known me for years are shocked by it. I’ve been with my husband for 22 years now. I’ve never physically cheated on him. (I always have to include the “physically” because my online activities have not been so innocent) I’ve been told it’s a choice, and that I have the devil because of it. I’ve been told it’s a sin (explain than when I haven’t done anything with a woman). I’ve been called a fake gay, and I’m not really bi until I’ve had sex with a woman. Most people who have had a problem with me speaking up about my sexuality have just quietly went away. I’m not going to lie, it hurt when I discovered that they did. I’m not running around, waving a rainbow flag in their face, but I do speak up about it. I’m not going to be quiet just to make them feel more comfortable. I spent most of my life being quiet. It’s part of being an introvert. But I will speak up when I need to. And now, I feel the need to. I need to because some people don’t believe that bisexuals even exist. The bi phobia and bi erasure are very real things. My own husband told me he thought is was a phase when I did tell him I was bi. (In his defense, I blind sided him with it during an argument about something else) But to be called a “fake gay”? That hurt, and it made me really angry. I don’t have to justify myself to anyone. First off, I’m not gay, I’m bisexual. I am not only attracted to women, I am attracted to men as well. I love my husband very much. I enjoy sex with my husband. I would just also like to enjoy sex with a woman as well. (Not going to happen, due to me being married to said husband). My thoughts tend to wander. I was talking about things being interconnected on the web. When I started out on Twitter, it had nothing to do with Facebook, but people have crossed from Twitter to Facebook. I haven’t let the reverse happen though. But my Twitter name is my Instagram bio, and they could possibly follow me. And my Twitter bio has the link to this blog. If someone wanted to snoop, it wouldn’t be hard to do. I don’t hide much about myself. That has led to me being told that I need my life validated by social media. I’ll admit I’m not immune to receiving likes/favorites, or having my stuff shared. But I don’t need it. Because of the stuff I share, it has helped other people. Maybe someone who follows me is having similar issues, and it helps them feel so not alone. Writing does me help process things. Sometimes it’s things I don’t want to face, but once I see them in print, I have to face them. Yes, I do admit I over share. I do brag about having sex, or how much I love my husband. And sometimes I do that to annoy skinny people who think fat people aren’t allowed to have sex, or be happy. I have a good husband, and I will brag about that. It’s amazing how big the world is, and how connected we all are. And how widely information gets shared. I think that only a few people read this blog, but it has the potential to reach so many. I was trying to find the NY Times article about the people lives who were changed/ruined because of a single tweet. Like the stupid woman who worked as a PR agent making a joke about going to Africa and not getting AIDS because she’s white. That single tweet went viral before her flight even landed there. She lost her job because of it. That one tweet changed her entire life. There was the woman in Arlington Cemetery who flipped the bird, and acted like she was screaming next to a sign about having respect there. Her life was changed because of a “joke”. She learned how many people take respect seriously. I found the article from the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/15/magazine/how-one-stupid-tweet-ruined-justine-saccos-life.html?_r=0 I’m not sure what my conclusion here is. What we put out there has a way of coming back to us. Maybe one day I will regret being so open, and honest. But these are my feelings. They are what make me what I am. I’m not in the closest, and I’m not hiding, they can’t be used against me that way. I do say stupid stuff on occasion, it’s called joking. But hopefully it isn’t hurtful.

Friend of Ellen

friend of Ellen

In short- a lesbian. Used in a conversation in which you don’t want elders or young children/other people around you to understand.

I had to google the phrase, Friend of Ellen, when I first saw it. I wasn’t totally surprised to learn it means a lesbian. Ellen Degeneres has made being a lesbian somewhat more acceptable in general society. She’s likeable. And now, Ellen Page came out last year.

My name is Ellen, and I’m bisexual. It took me 46 years to accept that. I think Ellen Degeneres in part allowed me to finally do that. My family is homophobic. My brother taught his kids to use the word, faggot. My sister thinks I have the devil in me. My other sister says I’m a sinner.

It hurts to be told these things. I didn’t chose this, I was born this way. My family hasn’t rejected me, I wasn’t thrown out into the streets, but it’s still painful.

It’s been about a year since I finally accepted what I am. I denied it for most of my life. Well, maybe not denied it, more like ignored it. To deny it, I would have had to acknowledge that it existed in the first place. I just didn’t know.

Being bisexual isn’t like being gay. I am attracted to men as well as women. I married my soul mate 21 years ago. I had an attraction to women, I just did not acknowledge it. I told my husband that looking at women aroused me, but it made me want a man. I previously had an aversion to the idea of receiving oral sex. That changed.  And once I accepted that I liked the idea, I had to accept that I wanted to give it to, and receive it from a woman.

Being bi, you can ignore the attraction to the same sex. You can do the traditional things like fall in love, and marry the opposite sex. I did ignore it. For most of my life. And I know I’m not alone there. So many people learned to ignore it, or hide it. I choose not to anymore. I can’t act on it, since I am in a monogamous marriage, but the desire is there.

I’m not a friend of Ellen, I am Ellen. I’m the bisexual wife, friend, aunt, sister and daughter no one wants to talk about. I embarrass my family members. My husband doesn’t like knowing that I want to be with a woman, it makes him feel inadequate. Well, guess what? I’m not going away. You don’t have to like my sexuality, or even like me. I don’t need anyone’s approval. I am what I am. God made me this way, and I’m going to be the best me I can be.

Sexuality is not a choice

I watched the series premiere of Empire. Seeing how the father treated his gay son, it’s no wonder people have a fear of coming out. I was told being bisexual was a choice, and I had the devil in me. That I needed “to get right”. What exactly am I doing wrong? God made me this way. It’s not a choice.

I had another sister tell me that they were supposed to hate the sin, and love the sinner. How have I sinned? I’ve never been with a woman. I want to, but I’ve never touched one sexually.

What about that part of the bible that says don’t judge unless you wish to be judged? It’s funny how the rules don’t apply to them. The sin spouting sister got pregnant out of wedlock, she got divorced and has had 4 husbands. Yet she feels she can judge me for something I have no control over?

It makes me angry. Your sexuality is something that you can’t control. You have control over your actions, but your body is going to respond to certain people, whether you want it to or not. You can’t control attraction.

Sure we can act “straight”. No one would know I’m bisexual unless they were told. I’ve been married to my husband for 21 years. It’s easier for a bisexual to appear straight, than it is for a gay or lesbian. I haven’t changed my behavior since I came out. I’m not doing anything differently. But according to my sisters, I have the devil, and I’m a sinner.

Just for the record, I don’t believe any of that crap. I never made the choice to like women as well as men, it has always been a part of me. It just took me a long time to accept it, and acknowledge it.

God made me what I am. And what I am is an honest person. A person who loves deeply. A person who would do anything I could for a friend. I am a person capable of loving someone regardless of their sex. I am a sinner, but not for being bisexual. I have many sins, but that is not one of them.

I wish sexuality was a choice, because I wouldn’t choose this. I have felt like a freak and an outsider my entire life. Do you think I wanted to discover at the age of 46, that I’m bisexual? Do you think I wanted the added turmoil in my life? Do you think I wanted to add another strain on my marriage? Do you think I wanted to make my husband feel like he isn’t enough?

I can’t change the fact that I’m bi. I can be in my long time, heterosexual marriage, but I’m still not straight. I’ve never been straight. I thought I was, but I just didn’t know that the feelings I had meant that I wasn’t. Being bi made it easy to ignore the attraction I had to women.

My family is homophobic, I haven’t even talked to my oldest brother. I refuse to listen to him tell me I’m going to burn in hell. I have no idea what my oldest sister, and older brother think about it. I can’t come out to anyone else right now. I put it on Facebook, maybe someone else told them. I don’t care.

I haven’t told my mom that I’m bi. There is no chance of me being in a relationship with a woman, so she doesn’t need to know. If I had a girlfriend, then I would tell her. But I don’t. My mom is in her late 70s, and she doesn’t need the added worry. It might make me feel good to get it off my chest, but it would do more harm than good.

I don’t like being bisexual, it has caused problems. But I’m not conflicted about being bi. I have learned that I can love a woman as easily as I can love a man. I am probably more attracted to women. I think my attraction level is 60% geared towards women, and 40% towards men. It does not mean that I love my husband any less.

I could wish all I want not to be bisexual, but I am. I can’t act on it, but it’s there. I suppose I should be glad that I was older when I finally accepted it, and not while I was in high school. I probably wouldn’t have made it this far if I had known at an early age.

I am not conflicted about being bi, but being bi is causing conflicts. Conflicts between what I want, and what I can’t have. I just have to deal with that.

Watching Empire made me angry. The father tossed his little son in the trash can because he had on a scarf, and a pair of heels. It was obvious the mother knew that the son was gay at a young age, and loved him. But even she called him a sissy, and a faggot (just not to his face).

Tell me again why anyone would choose to be treated like that by their own parents. Tell me why I “chose” to be told that I have the devil. Tell me why. You can’t, because it’s not a choice.

Irony

I believe God has a sense of irony, and a sense of humor. I now identify myself as bisexual. I have always been this way, but I have never labeled it until recently. And I am married to a homophobic man. Hence the irony.

My husband has reasons for feeling hostile towards gay men. I won’t go into his reasons, that’s his story, not mine. But it is still ironic. My straight laced, heterosexual husband is married to someone who is semi gay. (Don’t get offended, that is my description of myself) So, now my husband has to deal with things he never thought he would have to deal with. I know life would have been easier if I had not come out to him or anyone else, but I felt he should know.

My best friend is a bisexual man. My husband knows him and had been ok with the fact, until one time Don was drunk and making stupid comments to him. Because my husband loves me, he tolerates my friendship with Don. But I find it kind of funny that my husband is forced to deal with someone he’d rather not have to. Irony.

Maybe God has decided to open eyes that were previously shut. Maybe this is a coming out for both of us. I don’t know. Life is weird, and rarely makes sense.