Sexuality is not a choice

I watched the series premiere of Empire. Seeing how the father treated his gay son, it’s no wonder people have a fear of coming out. I was told being bisexual was a choice, and I had the devil in me. That I needed “to get right”. What exactly am I doing wrong? God made me this way. It’s not a choice.

I had another sister tell me that they were supposed to hate the sin, and love the sinner. How have I sinned? I’ve never been with a woman. I want to, but I’ve never touched one sexually.

What about that part of the bible that says don’t judge unless you wish to be judged? It’s funny how the rules don’t apply to them. The sin spouting sister got pregnant out of wedlock, she got divorced and has had 4 husbands. Yet she feels she can judge me for something I have no control over?

It makes me angry. Your sexuality is something that you can’t control. You have control over your actions, but your body is going to respond to certain people, whether you want it to or not. You can’t control attraction.

Sure we can act “straight”. No one would know I’m bisexual unless they were told. I’ve been married to my husband for 21 years. It’s easier for a bisexual to appear straight, than it is for a gay or lesbian. I haven’t changed my behavior since I came out. I’m not doing anything differently. But according to my sisters, I have the devil, and I’m a sinner.

Just for the record, I don’t believe any of that crap. I never made the choice to like women as well as men, it has always been a part of me. It just took me a long time to accept it, and acknowledge it.

God made me what I am. And what I am is an honest person. A person who loves deeply. A person who would do anything I could for a friend. I am a person capable of loving someone regardless of their sex. I am a sinner, but not for being bisexual. I have many sins, but that is not one of them.

I wish sexuality was a choice, because I wouldn’t choose this. I have felt like a freak and an outsider my entire life. Do you think I wanted to discover at the age of 46, that I’m bisexual? Do you think I wanted the added turmoil in my life? Do you think I wanted to add another strain on my marriage? Do you think I wanted to make my husband feel like he isn’t enough?

I can’t change the fact that I’m bi. I can be in my long time, heterosexual marriage, but I’m still not straight. I’ve never been straight. I thought I was, but I just didn’t know that the feelings I had meant that I wasn’t. Being bi made it easy to ignore the attraction I had to women.

My family is homophobic, I haven’t even talked to my oldest brother. I refuse to listen to him tell me I’m going to burn in hell. I have no idea what my oldest sister, and older brother think about it. I can’t come out to anyone else right now. I put it on Facebook, maybe someone else told them. I don’t care.

I haven’t told my mom that I’m bi. There is no chance of me being in a relationship with a woman, so she doesn’t need to know. If I had a girlfriend, then I would tell her. But I don’t. My mom is in her late 70s, and she doesn’t need the added worry. It might make me feel good to get it off my chest, but it would do more harm than good.

I don’t like being bisexual, it has caused problems. But I’m not conflicted about being bi. I have learned that I can love a woman as easily as I can love a man. I am probably more attracted to women. I think my attraction level is 60% geared towards women, and 40% towards men. It does not mean that I love my husband any less.

I could wish all I want not to be bisexual, but I am. I can’t act on it, but it’s there. I suppose I should be glad that I was older when I finally accepted it, and not while I was in high school. I probably wouldn’t have made it this far if I had known at an early age.

I am not conflicted about being bi, but being bi is causing conflicts. Conflicts between what I want, and what I can’t have. I just have to deal with that.

Watching Empire made me angry. The father tossed his little son in the trash can because he had on a scarf, and a pair of heels. It was obvious the mother knew that the son was gay at a young age, and loved him. But even she called him a sissy, and a faggot (just not to his face).

Tell me again why anyone would choose to be treated like that by their own parents. Tell me why I “chose” to be told that I have the devil. Tell me why. You can’t, because it’s not a choice.


One thought on “Sexuality is not a choice

  1. I haven’t watched “Empire” yet (got it on DVR) but, yeah, that’s a shitty way to treat a child and it seems to reinforce the stereotype that Blacks are all homophobic and, I guess, prone to reacting in some pretty fucked up ways – it sucks that TV writers would even go there given the ongoing issues with gay rights and marriage.

    Shit just makes me shake my head sadly…

    My friend, if you’re gonna burn in hell, you’ll be in good company! The religious angst toward sexuality, in these days and times, is stupid and shows a great deal of intolerance by a section of our society that preaches love and tolerance and all those nice, sugar-coated “love thy neighbor” stuff.

    Everyone wants to be all Old Testament about sexuality and not really pay that much attention to (a) the teachings of the New Testament and (b) the fact that biblical law was changed regarding homosexuality; it’s ‘bad’ but not a sin like it was written in the Old Testament. I know it’s all about control and making people love and have sex in the only way that, back then, guaranteed that babies would be made so any sexual act that didn’t lend itself to this purpose was deemed a sin and punishable by death. But I guess the religious “leaders” back then didn’t have the foresight to see the advent of in vitro fertilization, something that would allow two gay men to be parents as well as two lesbian women and, of course, all those women who have problems becoming pregnant – and without any boy/girl sex taking place at all… but I guess that’s okay as long as a baby gets produced, huh?

    Like you, I’m Christian but I stopped buying into a lot of things being preached that slams those of us who aren’t straight and more so when I know/knew a couple of ministers who were either in the closet as gay or bi so, nah, I ain’t got time for hypocrisy…


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