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I came out….again

I came out as bisexual to the brother closest to my age. I had no idea how he’d react, but I had to do it. He was actually cool about it. It’s a big relief after dealing with two of my sisters.

I don’t even know why it matters that my family knows. It really isn’t their business. But at the same time, it feels like I’m hiding a part of myself by not telling them. And I’m not a false person.

I still can’t tell my mom. I don’t think she could handle it all. Maybe I’m doing her a disservice by not telling her. Maybe I’m denying myself the chance to have her accept me/my sexuality. I don’t know. I do know that it’s unlikely I will ever have a relationship with a woman, so there is no point in stressing her out. (My sister recently died from cancer)

Eddie was telling me about our nephew wanting to organize a family reunion. I balk at the idea. I know the subject of my sexuality would probably come up there. Mainly because of my very homophobic oldest brother, and his sons.

My brother, Eddie, made a comment that made me wonder. He said Gerald has alot of issues of his own. Makes me wonder if the homophobia is coming from his own self hatred.

I don’t know. I just know my reality. My reality is that I accept that I’m bi. I honestly wish it was a choice, because I wouldn’t choose it. But I am what I am. The gay can’t be prayed away. I’m not broken, so I can’t be fixed. Maybe I just got to be lucky, and love more than most people.

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