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Friend of Ellen

In short- a lesbian. Used in a conversation in which you don’t want elders or young children/other people around you to understand.
I had to google the phrase, Friend of Ellen, when I first saw it. I wasn’t totally surprised to learn it means a lesbian. Ellen Degeneres has made being a lesbian somewhat more acceptable in general society. She’s likeable. And now, Ellen Page came out last year.
My name is Ellen, and I’m bisexual. It took me 46 years to accept that. I think Ellen Degeneres in part allowed me to finally do that. My family is homophobic. My brother taught his kids to use the word, faggot. My sister thinks I have the devil in me. My other sister says I’m a sinner.
It hurts to be told these things. I didn’t chose this, I was born this way. My family hasn’t rejected me, I wasn’t thrown out into the streets, but it’s still painful.
It’s been about a year since I finally accepted what I am. I denied it for most of my life. Well, maybe not denied it, more like ignored it. To deny it, I would have had to acknowledge that it existed in the first place. I just didn’t know.
Being bisexual isn’t like being gay. I am attracted to men as well as women. I married my soul mate 21 years ago. I had an attraction to women, I just did not acknowledge it. I told my husband that looking at women aroused me, but it made me want a man. I previously had an aversion to the idea of receiving oral sex. That changed.  And once I accepted that I liked the idea, I had to accept that I wanted to give it to, and receive it from a woman.
Being bi, you can ignore the attraction to the same sex. You can do the traditional things like fall in love, and marry the opposite sex. I did ignore it. For most of my life. And I know I’m not alone there. So many people learned to ignore it, or hide it. I choose not to anymore. I can’t act on it, since I am in a monogamous marriage, but the desire is there.
I’m not a friend of Ellen, I am Ellen. I’m the bisexual wife, friend, aunt, sister and daughter no one wants to talk about. I embarrass my family members. My husband doesn’t like knowing that I want to be with a woman, it makes him feel inadequate. Well, guess what? I’m not going away. You don’t have to like my sexuality, or even like me. I don’t need anyone’s approval. I am what I am. God made me this way, and I’m going to be the best me I can be.
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