I’m bi, not queer

My name is Ellen, and I’m bisexual. I’m not gay, and I’m not queer. Lea DeLaria from Orange is the New Black thinks everyone non heterosexual should label themselves as queer. I don’t feel comfortable with that.

It took me until I was 46 to accept that I’m not straight. I actually cried when it finally hit me that I wasn’t heterosexual. That I am different. That I could be killed just for the fact that I am also attracted to women as well as men.

I am not gay, because I am attracted to men. I don’t like the term “queer”. It has a negative connotation for me. It’s just a label, but I don’t feel like it suits me.

In all reality, the term pansexual would probably suit me best. I fall for hearts, not parts. But it’s hard enough dealing with people’s reaction to bisexual. At least that they can comprehend that easier.

I’ve been told I have the devil in me. I’ve been told I’m a sinner. I’ve been told the person “doesn’t believe in that” (like I’m a figment of my own imagination)

I don’t really like labels. I have never fit well in boxes. I call myself bisexual, because I am attracted to males and females. I honestly don’t understand all the gender labels out there, so I’m not going to get nit picky about things.

I’m not heterosexual, but I’m also not queer. I’m not a label, I’m just me. Anyway, I don’t really find queer to be offensive, I just don’t think it me. I guess that technically it is, because I’m certainly not normal.

 

Bisexual rollercoaster

It’s amazing how many years I lived in ignorance. I thought that gay rights had nothing to do with me. I was so wrong. It does mean something to me. It effects me directly.

Accepting that I am bisexual came in waves. First I had to admit that I was attracted to women. I had to admit that I wanted to have sex with women. I had to say it out loud. I had to tell the people in my life.

I had to accept the facts that came with coming out. I am not straight. Sounds simple, right? Being attracted to women meant that I wasn’t what I thought I was my entire life. I am not straight. I am bisexual. The fact that I have not had a relationship with a woman is not relevant. The attraction is what defines a person’s sexuality.

In accepting my sexuality, I realized I had a lot of learning to do. I learned that people are killed for being gay/bi. Why? What are people so afraid of? When it hit me that I could literally be put to death for being who I am, it felt like I got punched in the gut. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t choose it. God made me this way.

When I came out, one sister told me I had the devil in me. Another sister called me a sinner. My brother unfriended me on Facebook. All because I am attracted to women. I’m afraid to tell my mom. I couldn’t handle her rejection.

One of the things I learned, was that bisexuals don’t fit in anywhere. We aren’t straight. And we aren’t gay. Bisexual women get treated like sex objects. We’re here to provide men with that elusive sexual thrill of a F-M-F threesome. Yeah, no.

Bi phobia is a very real thing. We are told that we’re confused. It’s a phase. We’re greedy. We can’t be faithful. We spread diseases. We are told we have to have sex to prove we’re bi. We’re told that we’re gay. We’re told we’re straight if we’re in a heterosexual relationship. I was flat out told that I wasn’t bi when I came out to a friend. Who are they to decide what I am? I got called a fake gay, and that I only say I’m bi because I’m seeking attention.

I was told by my husband that I could have a girlfriend. Yeah, right. Reality hits when you’re allowed to do something. I have no experience. I’m married to a man. I couldn’t offer a woman much. Lesbians don’t want to date bisexual women.

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I found this post in my drafts file. I don’t know when I started it. I actually went on a few dates with women. I met them both on Craigslist. I had a sexual encounter with the first one. She let me play with/suck on her breasts. I fingered her until she came.

We hung out a few more times after that, but it was never meant to be. I’m grateful for the one experience, but the other hassle just wasn’t worth it.

I talked to the other woman for about a week. We met and talked. She hugged me, but told me that she didn’t think anything physical would come of it. I was ok with that, because I wanted a friend more than anything. But she quit talking to me. I am not in the mood to chase anyone, so I let it go.

I signed up for Ok Cupid. That lasted about 24 hours. My husband wasn’t happy that I did without talking to him first. And he got very upset that a couple checked out my profile. (They didn’t contact me)

I decided that my husband, and my marriage, were more important than having a relationship with a woman. I tried, and I failed. No point in beating a dead horse.

I have fallen in love three times. Each time, that love came to me. I never went looking for it. I know that I can not have a relationship with two of them, but I still love them.

I will be honest, and say that I want a relationship with one of them. I love her. I wish she could be my first female lover. I wish she could be my only female lover. That is impossible, and I know that. Frankly, I’d rather give up on the idea of girlfriend because I can’t have her.

I feel like an idiot. I crave someone I’ve never met in person. I’ve talked to her online, and on the phone. I’ve seen pictures of her. But I’ve never hugged, or kissed her. I’ve never been close enough to inhale her scent. I’ve never touched her skin. And I want to.

I ask myself why do I feel that way about her. Why do I care so much? I don’t know. I just know that when I am wanting the touch of a female, I know it’s her touch that I want. And I know that I can never have it.

I hate this. I wish I didn’t feel this way about her. She is married, and totally off limits. I’m married, and I should be off limits. But, by some fluke of fate, I fell in love with her. She’s beautiful. She’s so strong, but so vulnerable. She would make me feel safe, but I would want to protect her.

I hate myself sometimes. I am married to a wonderful man. He’s not perfect, but he’s pretty damn close. He loves me without reservation. He loves me in spite of all my flaws. I love him so much. He is my soul mate, and I would be lost without him. But I love her too. It makes me happy, and it breaks my heart too.

I love David. But I also love her. That makes me angry at myself. How can I love her like that? Why can’t I give him 100% of my heart? I can’t, because there is a part of me that loves her for the female she is. I have a heart that holds more love than most people can comprehend. It doesn’t make much sense, but that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.

I used to think that I was an uncomplicated person. I know that isn’t true. I’m honest to a fault. But my heart doesn’t believe in simple. The love for my husband is uncomplicated. It makes all the sense in the world.

I love a man 18 years younger than I am. He’s a different race, comes from a different background, and has different views from mine. It is complicated. But it is also simple. I fell in love with his personality. We fight, and we disagree, but there is a bond we have that won’t easily go away. We were never meant to be together, but we were meant to meet. I will always love him as a friend.

I love a woman close to my age. She is similar to me in some ways, and totally different in others. She is a protector by nature, but I feel so protective towards her. I wish it was possible to have her in my life, but that is impossible. I honestly don’t know if I will ever even get to speak to her again. That doesn’t even matter. She will always be in my heart.  She’s the one I picture when I imagine that mythical “girlfriend”.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just know that I was on YouTube, and watching music clips from the show, Glee. Some of the songs made me think of the way I felt about her. She is the Shakespearean drama in my life.

Me loving the online guy was weird, but it makes sense. I needed him. I think he needed me. No, we weren’t ever meant to be a couple, but we were meant to love each other.

Me loving her is a mystery. Why did she suddenly start talking to me a year after the first time I talked to her on Twitter? Why did she feel comfortable opening up to me? She was basically my first sexual interaction with a female, even if it was only with words. I liked it. I liked the way she made me feel. I love her.

Honestly, there was no way I could help falling in love with her. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s sexy. She draws people to her like a magnet, but she doesn’t see why. I know she can’t have me in her life, but damn it, it makes me smile to know that she cares about me too.

My life is not simple. God made me bisexual. God gave me the ability to love several people. I’ve had many people touch my life. Some people have loved me, even when I could only love them as friends. I have loved, and been loved back. I saw something that said, “I am hard to love, but I love hard.” That’s true. My love may not make sense to everyone, but it makes sense to me.

There are times when I wish that I wasn’t bisexual. I wish that my husband was the only person I love. But I am not like everyone else. I will love who I love. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else but me. Sometimes my emotions make me scream, and cry. Sometimes I think about them, and I just smile. I smile because I am blessed. ☺

 

 

He can’t wrap his mind around my bisexuality

I have had less than two years to deal with the knowledge that I am bisexual. I don’t stress about it, because I know that it’s a part of who/what I am. I know that I can be attracted/fall in love with, both males and females. I know this, because it’s already happened.

If you haven’t followed this blog for any length of time, here’s a short history. I met a guy on Twitter in 2013, I call him J. We started talking in tweets. The conversation moved to direct messages one night when I got concerned about him. Those conversations turned into hours long talks every night for months. Before I even knew what happened, I realized I had fallen in love with him. (I already have a husband who is my soul mate) Yes, I was shocked, and stunned by that realization. But I was even more amazed when he told me that he loved me back.

Before either of us admitted we loved the other, the conversation didn’t get sexual. We didn’t flirt. But after the admissions, things changed. The conversations got very sexual. There were even some phone calls.

Long story made somewhat short, I fell for him. I had very inappropriate for a married woman feelings for him. I always knew there was never a possibility of a real life relationship with him, but I was still in love with him. In my mind, I tried to understand the meaning of it happening. So I told myself that maybe I was there to help him prepare for his soul mate. (He has a severe case of social anxiety)

As it turns out, that’s exactly what happened. His interactions with me did help. A few months later, he asked his girlfriend out. She is his soul mate. I don’t think he could have found anyone better suited for him. Their personalities mesh perfectly.

Anyway, I needed him too. He helped me accept the fact that I am bisexual. Because of our sexually charged conversations, I discovered that I did want oral sex. Another female made me discover that I wanted it from a woman too.

After I came out on Twitter, I started tweeting about it. I started blogging about it on here. Now, here comes the fun part. I person I had had casual conversations in tweets with, direct messaged me. I had tweeted how I always assume gender neutral names on Twitter were white males. She proceeded to tell me that she was all woman, and a lesbian.

I thought I was imagining things at first, but she did flirt with me. I really liked it. I liked the conversations I had with her. I loved flirting with her. Although I was married, and I already loved J, I ended up falling for her too. If you’re thinking I’m some air headed flake, I’m not. I have a capacity to love more than one person at a time.

I can love more than one person, but I can also accept that I can only be with one. I loved the other two from a distance. I accepted that I loved them, but they were both with their own soul mates, and I would never want to jeopardize that.

(A side note here. I was in love with them, but time and perspective have changed that. I will always love them as friends, but the “being in love” part has changed. I forced myself to let those feelings go.)

OK, back to my original purpose of this post. This morning, I was sitting with my husband after eating breakfast. The conversation led to me mentioning J. (My husband knows about my feelings for J. It caused many problems in our marriage, but we’re still working through them. He also knows about my feelings for the female)

My husband says that he is more bothered by the fact that I loved another man. He does not see the female as any kind of threat at all. I told him he doesn’t understand how bisexuality works. I am just as equally capable of loving a female as I am capable of loving a man. I am just as capable of being attracted to a female (maybe even more so) as I am to a man.

But in my husband’s mind, a man is more of a threat. He is stuck in the hetero-normative idea that a woman is of no consequence to me. That my love/attraction to T is not as important as my interactions with J. He refuses to accept the idea that I can love a woman like I can love a man. In all honesty, I think my attraction to a woman might be more dangerous, because I’ve never had that kind of relationship. My husband gives me what I need from a man, I don’t need to go looking for that. But he can never be a woman, and that’s what I crave.

It’s so frustrating for me. He thinks I am only capable of loving a man/men. That’s not true. I can love a woman. He thinks it’s entertaining when I mention that I can turn another woman on. It doesn’t bother him. When I told him about my one and only sexual experience with a woman (I got to play with her breasts, and I made her orgasm from fingering her) he was proud that I made her squirt.

He tried to switch things around with him as the bisexual person, and he had a male and a female he had feelings for. He assumed that I would be threatened by the woman more than the man. I said that they were both equally a threat. He kept saying that I would be more threatened by the female.

He really can’t wrap his head around the fact that a bisexual can possibly love a same sex person. (For the record, my husband is sort of homophobic. I did not know I was bisexual when we got married 22 years ago) My husband is a good man. He is trying to deal with the fact that I came out as bisexual less than two years ago. He has dealt with the fact that I loved another man (thank God it is past tense though)

As for the females I’ve had in my life, he is ok with them. But only because he doesn’t allow for the possibility that I can actually love a female. He accepts that I am attracted to them, but I don’t think he accepts that I can love them. I’m not sure why I want him to accept that fact. If he does, then he will revoke my permission to explore my feelings for women. Talk about a two edged sword.

So, to sum it up…I am married to my soul mate, who happens to be a man. I fell in and out of love with another man, and with a woman. My husband feels threatened by the man, because it’s a man, and because he is within driving distance (also for the record, I’ve never met the other man or the woman in person) My husband has no problem with me talking to/flirting with women. He also had no problem with the fact I made out with a woman. I’m not sure if you’d call that bi phobia or bi erasure, I just know that he dismisses my feelings for women like they don’t matter.

We are both trying to learn to deal with our lives as they are now. I now know after many years of suppressing the fact. that I am bi, and sexually attracted to females. I didn’t know this when I was younger, and we got married. I now know I can love more than one person. Life goes on. I guess I’m lucky that he isn’t jealous of my interactions with women. I’m lucky he is agreeable to me exploring with females.

But it does frustrate me that he can’t comprehend my reality. He can’t comprehend that I can fall in love with a woman. And I know it’s possible, because it happened. But, life goes on. I know what my reality is. He is happy to be in his reality.

No longer hiding

I no longer hide who I am. When I was younger, I hid so well, I didn’t even know my own self. It took me 46 years to accept my feelings, and acknowledge that I’m bisexual. Forty six years !!! Unbelievable. I had the attraction to females since I was 5 years old. But I was told it was wrong, and unnatural. So I hid those feelings. I ignored them. I was able to do it because I am attracted to males too.

I’m not sure why it took me reaching my mid life crisis to come to terms with it. Maybe it was the perfect storm of different events that led me to the brink of acceptance. Maybe I was just tired of pushing the feelings down, and knew I just had to be me.

I blog frequently about being bisexual, and coming to terms with it. Many people know their sexuality at a young age. They have a life time to learn how to handle it. I’ve only been out for less than two years. I’m still learning.

Some things have come as a shock to me. Learning that in some countries, I could be put to death for being bisexual was horrifying. Learning how much bi phobia there is from both the gay, and straight communities was painful. I can sort of understand how straight people might not understand bisexuality, but coming from the gay community too?

Bi erasure is a very real thing too. I told a friend I was bi, and his first words were, “No, you aren’t.” Um, yes I am. I don’t have a check list I need to finish before I’m legitimately bisexual. The only qualification I need is to be attracted to women as well as men.

I am attracted to women. I fell in love (and out of love) with a woman. I even managed to go on a few dates with a lesbian. She gave me my first sexual experience with another woman. And I really enjoyed it.

So why do I keep talking about it? Because it feels like I have come out in stages. There is always another person I need to come out to. But I am no longer hiding. The information is there if someone chooses to look. I have lost friends because of it. I have had family members turn their backs on me. But that is their choice. I will not stay silent so they can be comfortable.

I will not be silent anymore. I won’t hide in my room. I won’t bury myself. I am not obvious. I don’t wave the rainbow flag. What I am is normal. I love my husband, but I am attracted to women as well.

I am not butch, and I am not feminine. I am me. A middle of the road, middle aged woman who happens to get turned on by men and women.

It’s a relief in some ways. I get to be me. I get to take the chance at dating a female. I got the chance to fall for a female (a never meant to happen in real life situation) I even had the chance to make another woman orgasm.

I am not a fake person. I wasn’t putting on a false front, because I honestly did not know that I was bisexual. I didn’t know there was a term for how I felt.

But anyway, I get to be me now. The technicolor, glorious mess that is Ellen. I don’t need anyone else’s approval. Their disapproval is of no consequence either. As long as I am happy being me, that’s all that matters.

Labels

I hate labels. All they do is stick is us in boxes. Sometimes people overlap, they don’t fit neatly.

On Twitter, I was saying how bisexual people aren’t very welcome at Pride events, especially if they’re in a heterosexual relationship. I got lectured, saying that I’m not in a heterosexual relationship because I’m bi. I snapped. I said whatever you call it, I’m married to a man. I was told that I should call it an opposite sex relationship. How about I just call it my marriage?

I am fat. You can try to make it sound less harsh by calling it fluffy, plus sized, queen sized or whatever. But the fact is, I am large. I am fat. It’s a descriptive word that I don’t take offense to. I had someone actually get upset because I called myself fat. Really? It actually amuses me when people throw the word fat at me like it’s an insult. Oh wow… I didn’t know that until you felt the need to tell me. Geez.

I am bisexual. The fact that I’ve never been in a relationship with a female, or had sex with one does not change that fact. That I have been married to a man for 21 years does not change that fact. I am not straight. I never have been. I thought I was for 46 years, but I was just really good at burying, and ignoring feelings/facts.

I am not gay/lesbian. I am attracted to women, but I am also attracted to men. It has been that way my entire life. It was never a choice. I am not on the fence about being maybe being a lesbian. I like both.

I do not call myself queer. I know that maybe bisexual women identify that way, but I don’t. I am bisexual.

I have only been out since January of 2014. I am still learning. My own labels change with time. The first time I actually understood that I wasn’t straight hit me hard. I cried. I realized then how homophobia could effect my life. That some people wanted me dead just because of the way God made me.

I am a Christian. But I am not religious. I don’t believe that “churches” practice what Jesus told us to do. You can’t condemn people to hell because they are different.

There is one label that I am proud to carry, survivor. I have survived natural disasters. I have survived sexual assault, and harassment. I have survived my own body trying to kill me.

You can slap any label you want to on me. They define you more than they define me. The only thing I’m concerned about is being a good human being. My race doesn’t define me, my size doesn’t define me, and my sexuality certainly does not define me.

I am a good person who has done some bad things. I am not perfect, and I don’t pretend to be. I am a wife, but not necessarily a good one. I make mistakes. I do stupid things. I am a person.

Site for bi women

I saw a link posted on a bisexual page on Facebook, so I checked it out. It’s called Biscuit, and it’s for bisexual women.

http://thisisbiscuit.co.uk/

It has articles on being bi, about bi phobia and bi erasure. Check it out

No, I won’t be quiet so you can be comfortable

I’m going to be 48 in four weeks. I honestly never thought I make it this far. I almost died a few days before my 30th birthday. I often wonder why I didn’t just let it happen.

I wish I knew what my purpose in life is. I’ll never do anything grand, or ground breaking. I’m just me.

Maybe being just me isn’t a bad thing. I’m finding my voice as a bisexual person. And I’m starting to use it. I’ve noticed that more people are coming to me, and telling me that they’re LGBT.

I’ve had some people tell me to be quiet. That the world doesn’t need to know my business. The key phrase there is “my business”. If I make them uncomfortable, they can exit my life. Having one less homophobic person around works better for me. I don’t know how me being bisexual effects their life in any way, shape, or form.

Sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone helps. I post things online that are pro LGBT. It offends some people, and gives other people hope.

It isn’t easy being different. People don’t choose to feel like freaks, they’re made to feel that way. Bisexuals seem to have it the worse. While we might have “straight privilege” while being with an opposite sex partner, we get bi-phobia from both the gay and straight communities.

I didn’t choose to be bi. I wouldn’t choose it if I had a choice. But I’m not broken. The gay can’t be prayed away. Being bi is what I am. It’s what I’ve always been, even when I didn’t realize that’s what I was.

I didn’t accept that I was bisexual until I was 46 years old. It took me that long to figure out that what I felt meant I was bi. It took me that long to understand that being turned on by women, and men, was the definition of being bisexual.

I am not confused. I’m not curious. Just because I have not had sex with a female does not negate my sexuality. I am bisexual.

Yes, I keep saying it. I say it because people try to erase me. They try to say I don’t exist. They try to say I’m gay, but in denial. They try to say I’m not bisexual. They try to say that I don’t fit in with gay or straight people. They try to act like bi women only exist as sexual playthings.

I’m real, and I do exist. I am not the unicorn for a married couple. I am married to a man, and have been for going on 22 years. That does not mean I’m straight. It just means that I am monogamous.

It’s 2:30 in the morning here. I’m tired, and should be sleeping. But I just needed to rant. I don’t know why I was born this way, but it is the way I was born. I had the signs of it since I was at least 5 years old. I just didn’t know how to read those signs. I was also attracted to men, so I ignored the obvious attraction to women.

Many times I wonder how different my life would have been if I known sooner. Could I have possibly found a woman as a soul mate? Would I have been able to handle it then? (To be honest, I probably would have been a suicide statistic if I had known in high school)

Things work out the way they’re supposed to. I did find my soul mate, and it was a man. He is acceptable to society.

He is still dealing with the fact that I am attracted to women. I’m not sure that it has completely sunk in yet. I’m not sure he quite gets that I could fall in love with a woman as easily as I could fall in love with him.

One thing I’ve kind of noticed, is that I seem to feel some resentment from lesbians. They are extremely guarded about their personal lives. They have to be, because they can be the targets of harassment or harm. Because I’m older, and already in a long term relationship, I’m more open about who I am. I don’t have a fear in saying what my sexuality is.

I told one woman that I have a told a few people that I’m bi for the “shock value”. To explain that, There was one person I worked with knew me for years, and knew my husband, He walked up to me, and called me Ellen Degeneres. I told him that I was only half gay. He looked at me in shock. And I told him that I was bisexual. My co worker didn’t need to know that I was bi, but the opportunity was there. So I told him.

But when I told the woman that story, it seemed like she withdrew from me somewhat. I would never out someone else, but that was a moment for me that I felt like taking.

I am not you. I don’t do things the way you would do them. And I’m not quiet. I may be shy & introverted, but I will speak my mind. And no one has the right to stop me from doing that. People have options. They can block or ignore me. But I won’t be silent just because I don’t fit into the image they think I should have.

I have a voice, and I will use it. Maybe posting the LGBT memes on Twitter may seem lame, but it might help one person by giving them strength. Or it might help change the attitude of someone else. You never know.

I won’t change who I am, not for anyone. Me being bi does not make my husband less of a man. If anything, it makes him more of a man because I chose him over all other men, and women.

I’m not going to change who I am. It took me 47 years to be comfortable with the person I am. It took me 46 years to accept myself. I don’t need the approval of others. And I won’t be quiet because what I say makes someone else question themself. I’m going to be me.

A rant

I want to punch something right now. I got a message from an admin from the lesbian/supposedly bi group telling me to quit talking about my husband so much. I mentioned him in one question, and answered someone else’s question to me. Talk about bi phobia. If bisexuals aren’t welcome, they shouldn’t say they are.

I just left the group. There are some sensitive ass people on there. I get they want a safe place, but don’t lie and say people are welcome, and then tell them that they aren’t.

I’m so angry, and frustrated right now, that I’m actually crying. I was just looking for a place to connect with others. I’ll just go back to my corner now.

The silent B in LGBT

I joined a group on Facebook that is supposed to be for lesbian/bi/pan women. But when I asked if I was “allowed” to mention my marriage, I was basically told not to. It’s so damn frustrating.

I’m too gay for heterosexual things, and too straight for the lesbian ones. Sometimes I’m glad that I didn’t know that I was bi when I was younger. I would have felt so isolated. I’m grateful for WordPress, because I can connect with people like me.

People really think that sexuality is a choice? I would not choose this, it’s frustrating. I never really cared to fit in the crowd when I was younger.  But now, I just want to be around people who have a clue what I’m feeling. My husband doesn’t understand it. He’s one of the ones who think that because I haven’t acted on it, that means it doesn’t exist.

I never understood the isolation that has led to so many suicides, but I’m beginning to. You do feel all alone. And it seems like being bi is worse than flat out being gay. You aren’t really accepted by either group. People say it’s LGBT, but the B is mostly silent. We’re confused, and greedy. When all we are, is predisposed to being attracted to either sex.

I guess I’m going to stay frustrated. I’m still dealing with personal acquaintances, and their resistance to me coming out. I have to deal with society. I have to deal with not fitting in because I’m not gay, and I’m not straight. And I have to deal with the frustration of not being able to explore that part of who I am. It sucks.

Interconnected

I’m in one of those moods where I want to write, but not sure what to write about. I had a story running through my head earlier, but it made me cry. Is that weird? I was kind of surprised by my last piece, “The heart wants what it wants”. It seems that it was shared on Facebook, and it got more hits that I usually gets. I forget how interconnected everything on the internet is. I try to not connect with Facebook because of me talking about being bisexual, and the fact that I fell in love with a man other than my husband. Most of the people on Facebook are family members, people the from the church I grew up going to, high school, and the Christian college I went to. Lots of people who would get upset who would get uptight over the bisexual talk, and the implications of me “cheating”. But I can’t control what other people do. If one of my Facebook friends reads something, how they react is up to them. It’s not a secret that I’m bi, I came out on Facebook last year. I lost some so called friends because of it. But at least they were respectful, and just left. They didn’t lecture me, or say anything harsh to me. I don’t understand people. How does me being attracted to women and men effect them at all? It’s like I’m going to be hitting on people, and they have to watch. I’ve had varied reactions to coming out. People who have known me for years are shocked by it. I’ve been with my husband for 22 years now. I’ve never physically cheated on him. (I always have to include the “physically” because my online activities have not been so innocent) I’ve been told it’s a choice, and that I have the devil because of it. I’ve been told it’s a sin (explain than when I haven’t done anything with a woman). I’ve been called a fake gay, and I’m not really bi until I’ve had sex with a woman. Most people who have had a problem with me speaking up about my sexuality have just quietly went away. I’m not going to lie, it hurt when I discovered that they did. I’m not running around, waving a rainbow flag in their face, but I do speak up about it. I’m not going to be quiet just to make them feel more comfortable. I spent most of my life being quiet. It’s part of being an introvert. But I will speak up when I need to. And now, I feel the need to. I need to because some people don’t believe that bisexuals even exist. The bi phobia and bi erasure are very real things. My own husband told me he thought is was a phase when I did tell him I was bi. (In his defense, I blind sided him with it during an argument about something else) But to be called a “fake gay”? That hurt, and it made me really angry. I don’t have to justify myself to anyone. First off, I’m not gay, I’m bisexual. I am not only attracted to women, I am attracted to men as well. I love my husband very much. I enjoy sex with my husband. I would just also like to enjoy sex with a woman as well. (Not going to happen, due to me being married to said husband). My thoughts tend to wander. I was talking about things being interconnected on the web. When I started out on Twitter, it had nothing to do with Facebook, but people have crossed from Twitter to Facebook. I haven’t let the reverse happen though. But my Twitter name is my Instagram bio, and they could possibly follow me. And my Twitter bio has the link to this blog. If someone wanted to snoop, it wouldn’t be hard to do. I don’t hide much about myself. That has led to me being told that I need my life validated by social media. I’ll admit I’m not immune to receiving likes/favorites, or having my stuff shared. But I don’t need it. Because of the stuff I share, it has helped other people. Maybe someone who follows me is having similar issues, and it helps them feel so not alone. Writing does me help process things. Sometimes it’s things I don’t want to face, but once I see them in print, I have to face them. Yes, I do admit I over share. I do brag about having sex, or how much I love my husband. And sometimes I do that to annoy skinny people who think fat people aren’t allowed to have sex, or be happy. I have a good husband, and I will brag about that. It’s amazing how big the world is, and how connected we all are. And how widely information gets shared. I think that only a few people read this blog, but it has the potential to reach so many. I was trying to find the NY Times article about the people lives who were changed/ruined because of a single tweet. Like the stupid woman who worked as a PR agent making a joke about going to Africa and not getting AIDS because she’s white. That single tweet went viral before her flight even landed there. She lost her job because of it. That one tweet changed her entire life. There was the woman in Arlington Cemetery who flipped the bird, and acted like she was screaming next to a sign about having respect there. Her life was changed because of a “joke”. She learned how many people take respect seriously. I found the article from the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/15/magazine/how-one-stupid-tweet-ruined-justine-saccos-life.html?_r=0 I’m not sure what my conclusion here is. What we put out there has a way of coming back to us. Maybe one day I will regret being so open, and honest. But these are my feelings. They are what make me what I am. I’m not in the closest, and I’m not hiding, they can’t be used against me that way. I do say stupid stuff on occasion, it’s called joking. But hopefully it isn’t hurtful.

A blessing, or two

Today has been an interesting day. I couldn’t sleep very well last because I had an interview this morning. I fooled around with my husband, we both got our showers, then we went to McDonalds for breakfast.

At 10 minutes to ten, I walked next door to meet the people about the job. I’ll be taking care of the elderly mother to the give the daughter, and her girlfriend a break. It’s only a few hours a week, but it will help me out, and get me out of the house.

The daughter was there, her girlfriend, and the girlfriend’s teenaged daughter. I liked all of them. They’re people I wouldn’t mind just hanging out with.

This morning when I got online, I wasn’t in a great mood. I had a fight with J last night about being bisexual. He called me a fake gay, said I was being disrespectful to the real gays who struggled and lost their lives. I called him an ass. He also said that until I’ve had some pussy, I wasn’t bi. I told him having sex doesn’t make a person gay or bi. The attraction for the same sex does that. I was mad.

I struggle with being bi, and just because it isn’t a life or death situation doesn’t change anything. I’m married and monogamous, but I want a woman. I can’t have one.

He also said I talk about being bisexual so much because I want attention, and want my life to be validated on social media. Writing on WordPress is about me being able to express myself. It doesn’t matter to me if 1 or 100 people read it. I write because it helps me sort through my feelings. I don’t have many friends, and this gives me an outlet. I can’t help that he feels threatened because I talk about it.

Anyway, back to my bad mood. I got on WordPress this morning, and I noticed that Anuj https://theshatteredwall.wordpress.com/ wrote a piece about my blog in a section he calls his Favorite Blogs. And he said that I’m a favorite of his because I’m honest, and I talk about being bisexual. I don’t think he’ll ever know how much that meant to me after basically being attacked last night for being bi.

Blessings come in some unusual ways, and Anuj blessed me this morning. It helped change my frame of mind, and made me thankful. I know that I’m bisexual, and someone’s ignorant comments aren’t going to change that. Words can hurt, but they can also help. Anuj’s shout out would have been appreciated on any given day, but it was a special blessing today.

So, I came out, now what?

2014 has not been a good year for me. I came out of the closet as being bisexual this year. It took me 46 years of my life to finally accept it, and acknowledge it. I’m not sure if it changed my life at all. I’m still married to my husband of 21 years, so it’s not like I could jump into the female dating pool.

I’m a shy introvert who is not what “society” calls beautiful. I can attract people online, because they only see my personality. But the online me is so different from the in person me who has trouble talking to strangers. So, even if I was single, my looks, shyness and introversion would work against me.

Coming out has brought a certain freedom. I can accept myself for who I am. I can admit that I am attracted to women instead of hiding that fact. There is no way I can act on the attraction, but it is nice to not have to hide from myself anymore.

I have lost people I thought of as friends because I came out. But I suppose they weren’t true friends to begin with. It’s pretty sad that me being attracted to other women threatens them in some way.

Peoples attitudes have baffled me. I was told by my sister that it was the devil, and I needed to “get right”. Another sister (with a long line of sins) spouted the “love the sinner, hate the sin” bullshit. How have I sinned? I’ve never touched another women sexually.

I have gotten the “Oh, here come the threesomes” line. If I ever get the chance to make love with a woman, I don’t want an audience. I know threesomes seem to be the straight male’s fantasy goal, but the idea doesn’t do much for me.

I never knew bi phobia existed before I came out. And it comes from the straights, and even more so from the gays/lesbians. We aren’t straight enough, or gay enough for them. We don’t all cheat, we can be satisfied with one partner, (the fact I fell for another man is not relevant here) being in a heterosexual relationship doesn’t make us any less bi.

And the fact that I have not had a relationship with a woman does not mean I’m not bisexual. I don’t have to have sex to validate what I am. The fact that I want to means that I’m bi.

Coming out opened a major can of worms for me. I have to admit that I love a woman. There is no way I could ever be with her, but I do have to admit that I love her. She’s not in my life now, but the feelings will be there. I never went looking for that, but my stupid heart fell for her. I saw her picture last night, and cried.

I came out, my life changed, and yet it didn’t at all. I still love my husband. I’m in a monogamous relationship, so I can’t explore other possibilities. I’m not sure what the future holds, but it doesn’t hold me lying to myself and denying who I am anymore. That has to be a good thing.