2014 has not been a good year for me. I came out of the closet as being bisexual this year. It took me 46 years of my life to finally accept it, and acknowledge it. I’m not sure if it changed my life at all. I’m still married to my husband of 21 years, so it’s not like I could jump into the female dating pool.
I’m a shy introvert who is not what “society” calls beautiful. I can attract people online, because they only see my personality. But the online me is so different from the in person me who has trouble talking to strangers. So, even if I was single, my looks, shyness and introversion would work against me.
Coming out has brought a certain freedom. I can accept myself for who I am. I can admit that I am attracted to women instead of hiding that fact. There is no way I can act on the attraction, but it is nice to not have to hide from myself anymore.
I have lost people I thought of as friends because I came out. But I suppose they weren’t true friends to begin with. It’s pretty sad that me being attracted to other women threatens them in some way.
Peoples attitudes have baffled me. I was told by my sister that it was the devil, and I needed to “get right”. Another sister (with a long line of sins) spouted the “love the sinner, hate the sin” bullshit. How have I sinned? I’ve never touched another women sexually.
I have gotten the “Oh, here come the threesomes” line. If I ever get the chance to make love with a woman, I don’t want an audience. I know threesomes seem to be the straight male’s fantasy goal, but the idea doesn’t do much for me.
I never knew bi phobia existed before I came out. And it comes from the straights, and even more so from the gays/lesbians. We aren’t straight enough, or gay enough for them. We don’t all cheat, we can be satisfied with one partner, (the fact I fell for another man is not relevant here) being in a heterosexual relationship doesn’t make us any less bi.
And the fact that I have not had a relationship with a woman does not mean I’m not bisexual. I don’t have to have sex to validate what I am. The fact that I want to means that I’m bi.
Coming out opened a major can of worms for me. I have to admit that I love a woman. There is no way I could ever be with her, but I do have to admit that I love her. She’s not in my life now, but the feelings will be there. I never went looking for that, but my stupid heart fell for her. I saw her picture last night, and cried.
I came out, my life changed, and yet it didn’t at all. I still love my husband. I’m in a monogamous relationship, so I can’t explore other possibilities. I’m not sure what the future holds, but it doesn’t hold me lying to myself and denying who I am anymore. That has to be a good thing.