No longer hiding

I no longer hide who I am. When I was younger, I hid so well, I didn’t even know my own self. It took me 46 years to accept my feelings, and acknowledge that I’m bisexual. Forty six years !!! Unbelievable. I had the attraction to females since I was 5 years old. But I was told it was wrong, and unnatural. So I hid those feelings. I ignored them. I was able to do it because I am attracted to males too.

I’m not sure why it took me reaching my mid life crisis to come to terms with it. Maybe it was the perfect storm of different events that led me to the brink of acceptance. Maybe I was just tired of pushing the feelings down, and knew I just had to be me.

I blog frequently about being bisexual, and coming to terms with it. Many people know their sexuality at a young age. They have a life time to learn how to handle it. I’ve only been out for less than two years. I’m still learning.

Some things have come as a shock to me. Learning that in some countries, I could be put to death for being bisexual was horrifying. Learning how much bi phobia there is from both the gay, and straight communities was painful. I can sort of understand how straight people might not understand bisexuality, but coming from the gay community too?

Bi erasure is a very real thing too. I told a friend I was bi, and his first words were, “No, you aren’t.” Um, yes I am. I don’t have a check list I need to finish before I’m legitimately bisexual. The only qualification I need is to be attracted to women as well as men.

I am attracted to women. I fell in love (and out of love) with a woman. I even managed to go on a few dates with a lesbian. She gave me my first sexual experience with another woman. And I really enjoyed it.

So why do I keep talking about it? Because it feels like I have come out in stages. There is always another person I need to come out to. But I am no longer hiding. The information is there if someone chooses to look. I have lost friends because of it. I have had family members turn their backs on me. But that is their choice. I will not stay silent so they can be comfortable.

I will not be silent anymore. I won’t hide in my room. I won’t bury myself. I am not obvious. I don’t wave the rainbow flag. What I am is normal. I love my husband, but I am attracted to women as well.

I am not butch, and I am not feminine. I am me. A middle of the road, middle aged woman who happens to get turned on by men and women.

It’s a relief in some ways. I get to be me. I get to take the chance at dating a female. I got the chance to fall for a female (a never meant to happen in real life situation) I even had the chance to make another woman orgasm.

I am not a fake person. I wasn’t putting on a false front, because I honestly did not know that I was bisexual. I didn’t know there was a term for how I felt.

But anyway, I get to be me now. The technicolor, glorious mess that is Ellen. I don’t need anyone else’s approval. Their disapproval is of no consequence either. As long as I am happy being me, that’s all that matters.


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