Changes

I was talking to a female friend late last night. She started telling me something, and I asked her if she could call me instead. She said she was in bed, and her eyelids were drooping. I knew that she only said that because she didn’t want to talk on the phone. So we said both said good night.

It bothered me. We used to talk on the phone, or on yahoo several months ago. But we haven’t since I came out as bi. I’m not sure if she’s afraid I’ll get inappropriate with her, or what. She knows I have feelings for her, but I’m not going to hit on her. She’s made it clear she’s not interested.

I asked her about it today. She said she quit talking because she didn’t want to be on the phone. That she prefers talking online instead. It still bothers me. But I won’t ask her again.

I have just been getting the feeling lately that everyone is pulling away from me. And it hurts. I used to get suspended from direct messages of Twitter all the time, but that never happens now.

Maybe it’s the fact that I finally went back to work, and I’m not online as much. Or maybe I’ve changed, and I’m not the person I used to be. I don’t know. I just know that I’ve been feeling kind of lonely lately.

Sometimes changes suck. It sucks that I don’t talk to J like I used to, but that’s a good thing in a way. I get to let go of the hold he had on me. I miss him terribly, but I don’t miss being tied up in knots and crying because of him.

We all change. We all have things we need to let go of. I want to hold onto people, but they have their own lives to live. And those lives don’t include me. It makes me sad, but I need to let go. You either adapt and survive, or you die.