I’m in one of those moods where I want to write, but not sure what to write about. I had a story running through my head earlier, but it made me cry. Is that weird? I was kind of surprised by my last piece, “The heart wants what it wants”. It seems that it was shared on Facebook, and it got more hits that I usually gets. I forget how interconnected everything on the internet is. I try to not connect with Facebook because of me talking about being bisexual, and the fact that I fell in love with a man other than my husband. Most of the people on Facebook are family members, people the from the church I grew up going to, high school, and the Christian college I went to. Lots of people who would get upset who would get uptight over the bisexual talk, and the implications of me “cheating”. But I can’t control what other people do. If one of my Facebook friends reads something, how they react is up to them. It’s not a secret that I’m bi, I came out on Facebook last year. I lost some so called friends because of it. But at least they were respectful, and just left. They didn’t lecture me, or say anything harsh to me. I don’t understand people. How does me being attracted to women and men effect them at all? It’s like I’m going to be hitting on people, and they have to watch. I’ve had varied reactions to coming out. People who have known me for years are shocked by it. I’ve been with my husband for 22 years now. I’ve never physically cheated on him. (I always have to include the “physically” because my online activities have not been so innocent) I’ve been told it’s a choice, and that I have the devil because of it. I’ve been told it’s a sin (explain than when I haven’t done anything with a woman). I’ve been called a fake gay, and I’m not really bi until I’ve had sex with a woman. Most people who have had a problem with me speaking up about my sexuality have just quietly went away. I’m not going to lie, it hurt when I discovered that they did. I’m not running around, waving a rainbow flag in their face, but I do speak up about it. I’m not going to be quiet just to make them feel more comfortable. I spent most of my life being quiet. It’s part of being an introvert. But I will speak up when I need to. And now, I feel the need to. I need to because some people don’t believe that bisexuals even exist. The bi phobia and bi erasure are very real things. My own husband told me he thought is was a phase when I did tell him I was bi. (In his defense, I blind sided him with it during an argument about something else) But to be called a “fake gay”? That hurt, and it made me really angry. I don’t have to justify myself to anyone. First off, I’m not gay, I’m bisexual. I am not only attracted to women, I am attracted to men as well. I love my husband very much. I enjoy sex with my husband. I would just also like to enjoy sex with a woman as well. (Not going to happen, due to me being married to said husband). My thoughts tend to wander. I was talking about things being interconnected on the web. When I started out on Twitter, it had nothing to do with Facebook, but people have crossed from Twitter to Facebook. I haven’t let the reverse happen though. But my Twitter name is my Instagram bio, and they could possibly follow me. And my Twitter bio has the link to this blog. If someone wanted to snoop, it wouldn’t be hard to do. I don’t hide much about myself. That has led to me being told that I need my life validated by social media. I’ll admit I’m not immune to receiving likes/favorites, or having my stuff shared. But I don’t need it. Because of the stuff I share, it has helped other people. Maybe someone who follows me is having similar issues, and it helps them feel so not alone. Writing does me help process things. Sometimes it’s things I don’t want to face, but once I see them in print, I have to face them. Yes, I do admit I over share. I do brag about having sex, or how much I love my husband. And sometimes I do that to annoy skinny people who think fat people aren’t allowed to have sex, or be happy. I have a good husband, and I will brag about that. It’s amazing how big the world is, and how connected we all are. And how widely information gets shared. I think that only a few people read this blog, but it has the potential to reach so many. I was trying to find the NY Times article about the people lives who were changed/ruined because of a single tweet. Like the stupid woman who worked as a PR agent making a joke about going to Africa and not getting AIDS because she’s white. That single tweet went viral before her flight even landed there. She lost her job because of it. That one tweet changed her entire life. There was the woman in Arlington Cemetery who flipped the bird, and acted like she was screaming next to a sign about having respect there. Her life was changed because of a “joke”. She learned how many people take respect seriously. I found the article from the NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/15/magazine/how-one-stupid-tweet-ruined-justine-saccos-life.html?_r=0 I’m not sure what my conclusion here is. What we put out there has a way of coming back to us. Maybe one day I will regret being so open, and honest. But these are my feelings. They are what make me what I am. I’m not in the closest, and I’m not hiding, they can’t be used against me that way. I do say stupid stuff on occasion, it’s called joking. But hopefully it isn’t hurtful.
Bellaelena 