Introverted hell

When I was a kid, one of my dream jobs was to be a reporter. Unfortunately for me, I don’t have the right personality for it. A very shy introvert wouldn’t make a good reporter. I’d be terrified to call anyone, or talk to people.

It’s kind of sad when your personality works against you. I want to travel, but I tend to stay home instead. I’d probably still be single if I hadn’t that ten second burst of courage, and asked my husband out.

At 47 years old, I still have no clue what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. Maybe I’m not supposed to be doing anything big. Maybe my purpose is just being here for people along the way. People come and go, but maybe the time they interacted with me effects them in a good way.

Sometimes I envy people with their lives mapped out in advance. What is that like? Are you happy like that? I’ve never had a plan. I never thought I’d even get married. I couldn’t even imagine the possibility of someone being out there to fit me. I got lucky, and found my soul mate.

Even as a married couple, we never planned anything. We have existed day to day. It’s probably a good thing that we couldn’t have kids.

I could never be a reporter. My thoughts wander too much. I start on one subject, and end up on something totally different. I wish I was an outgoing person. I wish I could just talk to people. I wish I wasn’t so damn shy.

Being an introvert is literally painful. I always blow interviews because I never answer the questions like they want me to. It makes no difference that I’m a good employee with good references. I freeze up, and always say the wrong things.

A person can change their body, their face, their hair color, but they can’t change their personality. I try to be more outgoing, and I just can’t. I want to be a different type of person, but I can’t be.

On top of the shyness, and introversion, I have the wonderful world of social anxiety. I have a tendency to freak out in stressful situations, or in unknown places. When I call myself a mess, I am not exaggerating. There was a point in my life when I had agoraphobia too. I wouldn’t leave the house unless my husband was with me.

I am what I am, I guess. I want things, but my personality makes it difficult. I still have no clue how I managed to ask my husband out. I’m grateful for the internet, and being able to connect with people on here. I don’t feel quite as alone here. Unfortunately, it seems that I get too attached to people I click with on here.

I guess my personality flaws make me the person that I am, for better or worse. I believe things happen for a reason. I don’t know why I am the way I am, but there has to be some purpose for it. At least I hope so.