Regrets

I’m 47 years old, and of course, I have regrets. I regret that I didn’t finish college. But at the same time, if I had, I probably would not have met my husband.

I regret that I’ve always been so shy and introverted. I’ve missed out on many things I could have experienced, like going to concerts in Miami in the 80s.

I regret that I was never able to make friends easily. I’ve spent most of my life alone. Even though I’ve been married almost 21 years, I’m still alone most of the time.

I regret that in 1992, I had an affair with a married man. I don’t have any excuses for it. I was drunk, and wanted sex. He happened to be there, and willing to give it to me. We more or less became fuck buddies. I liked him, but I never tried to convince myself that I was in love with him. My actions there caused problems. A day or so later, he snapped at work and got fired. His wife ended up kicking him out, and they got divorced. Was it my fault? I don’t know. But I never should have put the temptation there.

I regret trusting the wrong people. I was sexually assaulted because I did that. The only thing that kept me from being raped was that his dick was too small to be effective.

I regret being curious, and kissing certain people. They seemed to think because I kissed them, that I should have sex with them as well. One tried to get me fired, and the other groped me in a store room at work.

I don’t regret the person I lost my virginity to. I did like him as a person, and I was attracted to him. I wish the actual circumstances could have been better than the back of a Celica.

I regret not enjoying the Miami Dolphins more when I lived in Miami. I just assumed I would always live in Miami, and took them for granted.

I regret that I caused my husband pain because I fell in love with someone else. I don’t regret the falling in love part. I do believe it was meant to happen, and that I needed it to happen. I will always love him. I regret that I have to let those feelings go, but it’s destructive to try to stay in love with two people. I love my husband, and he doesn’t deserve to feel like he’s second best to anyone.

I regret that I can’t have more than one person to love, and be with at a time. I regret that I can’t explore being bisexual. I regret that I’m not the same person I was 22 years ago.

I’m not sure I regret being bisexual, but I acknowledge that it makes life difficult. I want things that I can’t experience.

I regret the loss of the friendship that turned into love. You can’t go back to being just friends after that. Once you’ve made the decision to try to stop being in love, things change. You become polite again. You can’t joke and flirt like you used to. I regret that part is gone.

One thing I will never regret, is getting married. I still love my husband. I probably love him more now than I did 21 years ago. We have been through alot, and survived it. I love being wrapped in his arms, and holding him tight. I love snuggling with him. I love laughing with him. Our marriage is not perfect. We’ve both made mistakes. But there is no better feeling than holding each other, and both breathing a sigh of contentment at the same time.

I regret my temper. I allowed it to control me too many times. I quit jobs because of it. I lashed out at people because of it. I am learning to rein it in though. Years ago, I would have said everything on my mind. I have learned to not say everything that I’m thinking.

I really regret that I let someone manipulate me. He claims that’s not what he was doing, but I know better. I regret that it took me so long to finally have enough of it.

I regret that I was not able to have children. I told David at the beginning that I couldn’t, and he chose to marry me anyway. But I still regret that he couldn’t be a father because of me.

I have regrets for many things, but they’re all a part of what makes me, me. Good or bad, they helped mold me into the person I am. I just need to do better.