Missing her

Someone on Twitter asked if you could miss someone who wasn’t really a part of your life. I’m missing someone who is only a part of my life because of Twitter. She was off last week, so we talked alot. We had some very interesting conversations that I enjoyed. But this week she is back to work. She works long hours, and doesn’t have the time to be online when she is off. It sucks.

I miss talking to her. She makes me think. She makes me laugh. She turns me on. Maybe it’s a good thing we can’t talk that much. I’m dangerously close to feeling things I don’t need to be feeling. But I like the way I do feel when I do talk to her.

I was talking to J this morning, telling him about T. Yeah, I see the irony of telling the other guy I’m in love with (not my husband) that I’m getting a little too into a woman. His response, “Oh, geez, Ellen”. There is literally no other response, because it is so bizarre. I’m a mess. I admit it.

But what else can I do except let it happen? She is my first experience with a woman. Granted, it’s only online (and one two hour phone call), but it is an experience, and I’m learning from her. She fascinates me. Maybe I’m seeing way too much into something that isn’t there, but I don’t really think that is happening. I’m not imagining the flirting at all. That has happened.

I would probably be flattered if any woman took an interest in me. But it’s her being interested. She’s smart, she’s funny and she’s hot. I’m just totally amazed that she finds me interesting as well.

I’m not going to lie, if this was another man, I would be able to shut it down. But because she’s a woman, I want to see how it plays out. I’m still discovering the being attracted to women part of being bisexual. I have to say that I like it. I really like her.

I have no idea why this is happening, but I’m glad it is. I get to learn from her, and she gets to experience my crazy personality. Maybe this is something we both need.

One thing I’m very glad about is my attitude. Being attracted to her feels natural. I have a conflict because I’m married, and I love my husband. Not to mention already loving another man too. But my feelings concerning her just feel right. I’m not conflicted at all because she’s a female. If anything, that is more of an attraction.

I can’t speak for her, but I am glad I’m having this experience. I’m glad I have her as a friend who flirts with me. I do know that nothing real world can come from this, and that’s ok. It actually takes any pressure off. I get to flirt to my heart’s content, and just have fun. 

There is a danger of feelings getting too involved. It has happened to me before (and I still have those feelings). But I’m willing to risk it. I know I can love someone, and accept that we can’t be together. I’m not saying that I’m there, but I can’t really say I’m not either. Whatever happens will happen.