Why it happened

I wonder all the time why things happen. I fell in love with a friend online. It’s been painful, for me and for my husband. Couldn’t the end results have happened if we had stayed friends? I doubt it. He needed to know that he was capable of being loved unselfishly. I needed him to unlock the part of me that was hidden out of sight for my entire life.

It’s been three years since I discovered I fell in love with him. I was in shock when I first realized it. I didn’t think it was possible to love more than one person. Heaven help me, I have discovered I can love more than two people at once.

Because of him, it pushed me to realize certain things. And those things pushed me to accept that I am bisexual. Sometimes I get angry. I wish I didn’t talk to him, that I didn’t fall in love with him, and that I wasn’t forced to face my biggest secret. I wish I could have stayed ignorant. Why did I have to know?

But I did know then. And one of the ways I deal with things, is to talk about it. So I came out on Twitter. Then I started blogging about it. I came out on Facebook.

Coming out was simultaneously both easy, and incredibly difficult. I lost people I thought were friends. My own brother unfriended me on Facebook. My sister told me I had the devil in me.

When I told my oldest nephew, his response was that he loved me no matter what. I cried. I had actually been shaking when I told him. I was so relieved to get his response.

Since I began to talk about being bisexual, it caught some people’s attention. One happened to be a lesbian who followed me on Twitter. She began talking to me. It didn’t happen right away, but it happened, I fell in love with her too. I know how it happened, but I’m still not sure why. For me, it happened because she’s an amazing woman. I think the “why” is because I needed her. I think, in a way, that she needed me to. Because I could relate to her, I was easy to talk to.    I love talking to her.

I still don’t know why so many things have happened to me. I don’t know why I have the personality I do. I get to be shy, introverted and have social anxiety. I have an extremely hard time talking to people in public. It makes it difficult for me to find a job. I almost always have disastrous interviews.

I hope one day I can figure out why it all happened. I will have the knowledge of why I had to fall in love with a guy 18 years younger than I am. I will learn why I fell in love with a woman as well. But, maybe there is no reason. Maybe it’s a string of random coincidences. I think the answer I want most of all, is after so many years of being ignorant, why did I have to realize I am bisexual? I want to know why it matters.






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