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Life, love, death and grief

I don’t post much on here anymore. I finally came to terms with my feelings for J, and let go of them. I’m not in love with him anymore, and that is a relief. I will always love him as a friend though.

I am still in love with T. I haven’t spoken to her since November, but that doesn’t matter. I will always love her. I was listening to the song, All Of Me while I was in the shower today. I started crying. I seems so stupid to crying for someone I’ve never met, and probably never will meet.

I fell out of love with J, why can’t I with T? I still talk to J, we’re still friends. But his actions have proven that being in love with him was not a good idea. I had to let go for my sanity’s sake. So, why can’t I let go of T?

There are things going on in my life I’ve chosen not to write about. They effect me deeply, but they aren’t anyone else’s business. I really don’t owe anyone an explanation for what I’m feeling.

This past week, I’ve been dealing with grief. My friend’s baby was stillborn. Life is so unfair. I whine that I wish I didn’t exist, and that baby didn’t even have a chance to. I would exchange my life for his in a heartbeat if I could.

When I found out, I was heartbroken. My friend was so excited to be a dad. He was so impatient for his baby to arrive. I literally can not imagine the pain, and anger he’s dealt with. I know I sobbed like my own heart was broken.

Life really is unfair. That baby was so wanted, and so loved. So many people throw their kids away, literally. Why do they get to have kids, and others don’t?

I’ve been infertile, I know the pain of never being able to have kids. I do not know the pain of losing a child. And, I’m glad about that.

Something will make me think of the baby, and it makes me sad. And I’ll cry. I wish I could help ease the pain of my friend’s grief, but there is nothing anyone can do to help that. Time will lessen it, I hope.

I hate trying to deal with feelings that are not logical. I love several people, and they love me back. People love me, and I don’t feel the same way about them. I don’t know why I love who I do. People come into my life, and they change me. They make me feel things I’ve never felt before.

I know that I am not making much sense. I go from talking about love, to grief for a lost baby, back to love again. It’s because my heart, and my head are in a jumble. Everything is intertwined.

Life isn’t fair, and it doesn’t make sense. Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. I don’t know why I have been able to love more than one person. I once told my husband that maybe he loved me so well, that I was blessed with the ability to love more.

The people I love, love me back. That is both a blessing, and a curse. It is amazing, but it hurts too. I can only love them from a distance. I can never hold them.

I put a Pepsi can in the freezer to get it cold. I left it in there too long. I went to crack it open, and it started fizzing up and overflowing. Emotions are sort of like that. You keep them locked up, but the seal gets cracked, and they start rushing out.

Love is not supposed to hurt, but it does. it hurts to not be able to hold someone you love. It hurts to lose someone you love. And hurts to never to able to tell them you love them.

I don’t have any answers about anything. I wish I knew why I was still here, and that baby couldn’t be. I don’t know why I am able to be so loved, and some people never experience it at all.

I wish things made sense. I wish I knew why I am the person I am. I wish I knew why my friend’s baby didn’t make it. I wish i could understand, but I don’t. All I can do is keep muddling through this life I live. And hoping I do more good than harm.

 

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