Trigger warning: possible molestation
I have a vague memory that is very uncomfortable. I was a young child, about 4 or 5. I know it was when I was living on the air force base in South Carolina. I remember being in a wooded area with three boys. I remember them looking at my genitals. I can’t remember if I was forced to do that, or if I did it willingly.
I honestly don’t even know if it’s a real memory or not. Could it have been in a movie I saw? I really don’t know.
I remember my grandfather coming to visit my family when I was about 8 or 9. He would trap me between his legs, then rub his stubble on my face. I hated it, I always tried to get away. I think he got aroused by my struggling. To this day, I hate the feel of stubble touching me. I won’t even kiss my husband if he hasn’t shaved.
It’s also very possible I was molested by my oldest sister’s first husband. I showed signs of being molested. I was too precocious. At 8 years old, I played “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours”. I let a boy look at me under the desks in third grade. He pulled his dick out for me to look at. I was 8. That same year, the boy across the street asked me if I wanted to have sex. I said no. Again, I was 8.
I think the one thing that keep me from self destructing, and sleeping around was the fact that I was very involved with church. I am so grateful for that. Although I had grown men hitting on me at an early age, I had something to fall back on.
I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 23. That was by choice. I had plenty of opportunity, but I said no. I didn’t plan on losing it then, but I was being stalked, and I made the choice to do it with someone I liked, instead of being forced.
My sexuality is a complicated thing. I had signs of being bisexual as early as 5. I had no clue that it meant I was different from other females. It took me 46 years to come to terms with that part of me.
I sometimes envy people who knew what they were at an early age. I wish I could have explored the same sex attraction when I was young, and single. But I wasn’t mature enough to deal with it then. Given my religious background, it might have pushed me over the edge.
I am now almost 49. I’m still learning about myself. I do know that there is no doubt that I am bisexual. I’ve had one sexual experience with a woman, and that did remove any doubts in my mind.
I’ve been accused of talking about my sexuality for attention. That I live my life on social media. Maybe I do. But writing for me is therapy. Sometimes seeing things in words on a screen helps me put things into a better perspective. Also, there may be someone who needs to hear what I say.
My sexuality is not a simple thing. I kept part of me hidden so long, I don’t know who I am right now. I am attracted to men, and to women. But, it seems that the older I get, I am more attracted to women. Very ironic considering I can’t act on that attraction.
I have noticed that many women tend to come out later in life as lesbians, and bisexuals. They say sexuality is fluid. But wonder if hormone changes in women have an effect on that. The same sex attraction has always been there for me, I just ignored it because I was attracted to males as well. I met my soul mate when I was 25.
But I also fell in love with a woman when I was 47. I had crushes on women as a kid, but this is not a crush, or an infatuation. I love her. I accept that I can’t be with her, but that doesn’t change my feelings. But I had to accept my sexuality before that could happen.
I’m not sure why that childhood memory surfaced. I’m not sure what it has to do with who I am not. But everything is tied together. It’s all a part of what I am. Maybe if I had a clue that being bisexual was a real thing, maybe I could have accepted it earlier. I’ll never know.
I talk about sex often. Some people enjoy that because it’s rare for a woman to be so open about it. Maybe I’m inappropriate because I didn’t learn boundaries that I should have learned. Again, I don’t know.
But, I am what I am. I can’t change that. I never changed my sexuality, I just finally learned the truth. I never claimed to be straight, I just assumed that I was. But, I’m not, and never have been. I didn’t choose to be bisexual, I just finally learned to accept the truth.