I had a 28 year old bisexual woman hitting on me last night. She was sending me boob pictures (that I didn’t ask for). And she was hinting at a threesome with her boyfriend.
I admit that the flirting, and the boob pictures turned me on. But I had no interest in meeting her, and even less interest in the boyfriend. The intense desire to be with a woman has faded. If it ever happens, then it happens. I am not going looking for it.
It’s not an impossible event, but it’s highly unlikely. I won’t say never, because I didn’t expect to even touch another woman, but that happened last summer. There may be a woman out there who would be interested in an overweight, middle aged woman, but the chances of that are slim.
I can’t even find a woman to have as a friend, much less someone willing to be a friend with benefits. I’ve had very few female friends in my life. I’ve had male friends, because I always assumed they’d never be attracted to me, so there was nothing to worry about.
But the funny thing is, I’ve discovered that isn’t true. Some of those friends are attracted to me. Some of those friends would be happy to be a FWB. But I don’t want another man. I have David, and he’s the man I want.
I want a female. I want to be able to touch soft skin. I want to caress curves. I want to be able to touch, and suck on breasts. And I want that in return.
How I wish sexuality was a choice. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to crave things I can’t have. I really don’t want to make my husband think that he isn’t enough for me. But the fact is, he can’t give me what I crave. That frustrates him, and it frustrates the hell out of me.
It also frustrates me that I love a woman I can’t have. I’m married. She’s married. I know this. I respect it. But that doesn’t change the feelings I have. My rational mind tells me that I can only love her from a distance. My heart aches for what I can’t have. I don’t have any right to have those feelings.
I know I have been over this topic so many times. I used to write so much about J, but I don’t anymore. I have come to accept that I had to lose the being in love with him. It took me over two years, but I have lost those feelings for him. I will always love him as a friend, and I’m happy that he is getting the life he wanted. But, I’m not in love with him anymore. And I’m glad of that.
I wish I could lose the feelings for T. I can’t. I haven’t spoken to her since November, but my feelings haven’t changed. I was furious when J didn’t speak to me for a week, and it changed how I felt about him. It’s been 6 months of no contact with her. My feelings haven’t lessened.
I’m in love with a married woman. Yes, I know that it even sounds impossible. Why did that have to happen? Why can’t I let go? I wish it was possible to just turn off feelings. I wish I could tell my brain to stop.
But then again, I don’t want to stop. I do love her. I can only love her as a friend, but even that is special to me. She taught me that I can love a female. She taught me that the attraction I feel towards to her is natural. I can’t act on it, but that doesn’t really matter.
I have been blessed. I know what it’s like to love a woman. I know what it’s like to love a man. Bisexuality can be painful, and it can be confusing. But it can also be amazing. It doesn’t matter if she ever talks to me again. What matters is that my heart can accept that I have loved her. My heart can accept that I love my husband.
I am only human, but I happen to be an out of the ordinary human. I have the ability to love. Age, race or sex doesn’t matter to me. I fell in love with the person.
The worst part of this is not that I can’t be with her, it’s that it makes my husband hurt. I hate that. I never wanted to cause him any pain. But I can’t change who I am. And I can’t force the feelings to disappear.
So as it stands, I am married to a wonderful man. We’ve been together 23 years now. I don’t ever want to leave him. But…I also love a woman. She is also married to her soul mate. I have no desire to change that. But I do love her. I could chose to hate that, but I accept it. It is a curse, but it is also a blessing. I chose to accept the positive aspect of it. Life is so strange. I get to love more than one person. I will accept that blessing.