I wish I could say I was getting my groove back, but I’m not. I totally lost it. I feel so out of whack. I have a pretty good life. I have my soul mate, and he loves me completely. I have a home, a job and a vehicle. But what I don’t have is peace of mind.
I’m lost. I have no sense of direction. My husband has become more like a roommate than a spouse. It seems like when only spend time together while we’re in bed, or at a restaurant. We’re roommates who occasionally have sex together.
I almost died 19 years ago. Tonight, I wished that I had just fallen asleep, and let nature take its course. I feel pointless, like there is no reason for me to even be alive.
I wonder if people would even notice if I disappeared. I might cross a few peoples’ minds, but I doubt they’re really care very much.
I’m feeling sorry for myself, and I need to stop that. I have more than many people have. But I feel empty, and I’m not sure why.
I think the fact that I turn 49 in a few months is hitting me hard. This will be my last year in my 40s. It’s so odd, but that fact that I’ve had men and woman half my age hitting on me, depresses me more than anything. I don’t even have the energy to even care anymore.
I need to shake myself out of this rut. But, right now, I’m going to bed. I’ll play Scarlett O’Hara, and deal with it tomorrow.