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Reflections on getting older

I’m getting older. I’ll be 49 in a few months. I never thought I’d be this old. I came close to dying a few days before my 30th birthday. I wonder all the time why am I still here. I guess God wants me around for a reason.

The last few years have been weird. I can tell you exactly when my midlife crisis began. A few weeks after my 46th birthday. A few months later, I realized I had fallen for a friend, a much younger friend. Four months after that, I finally accepted that I am bisexual.

I’m no longer in love with the friend, but I’ll always love him as a friend. I am still coming to terms with being bisexual. I want to experience being in a relationship with a woman, but I’m pretty sure that’s unlikely to happen. I won’t say it can’t happen, but the odds are against it.

I managed to fall in love with a woman online. She’s close to my age, and we have things in common. But, she’s married, and so am I. Once again, I can only love as a friend.

Lately, I’ve noticed that I have learned to appreciate my husband much more. The fact that I could have lost him because of my actions made me realize how much I do treasure him. I never stopped loving him, I just love him even more now.

My life is not typical, but why should it be? I’ve never been typical in my life. I’m not normal, or average. I’m unique. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so different, but there is a reason I am what I am. I am empathetic, and a good listener. Sometimes just listening to people can help.

Every experience we have makes us the people we are. I’ve had some strange, and unusual experiences. I didn’t expect my life to end up as it has. I never expected to find my soulmate. I never expected to love more than one person.

I am getting older, even if I’m not growing wiser. Sometimes body parts ache. Sometimes I have things happen that I don’t understand, but I’m still here. I’m still breathing. I don’t know what my purpose in life is. I’m just stumbling through it like everyone else. But at least I have the privilege of getting older.

 

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