Uncategorized

Meltdown

Some people are cutters. They cut, or harm themselves to have a physical way to express their pain. There have been times in my life when I cut, but I just chopped my hair short. I almost did it tonight.

Sometimes I hate myself. I hate that I’m fat. I hate that I’m infertile. I hate that I’m short. I hate that I’m bisexual, and I want things I can’t have. I hate that I have a wonderful husband, but I want things that, as a male, he can never give me.

Right now, I hate that I’m bleeding again. I thought that menopause had taken care of that. Sometimes I really wish that I had fallen asleep, and passed out in 1997. I was bleeding so much, I was down to four pints of blood. About half the amount a normal person would have. I almost died. I had to have an emergency D & C.

I don’t hate my life. I have a wonderful husband. He deserves much better than me. We own our house, even though it’s old. We both own vehicles, and have jobs. I don’t hate my life, I hate me. I feel like I’m a waste of space, and shouldn’t even be breathing.

I have no purpose in life. I stumble from one day to the next. I spend way too much time online.

Here’s the most insane thing about my life: I don’t feel worthy of being loved. I am seriously flawed. My own mother told me that if she could have avoided me, she would have. But in spite of all that, I am very well loved. My husband loves me more than anything. I have a 30 year old male who loves me dearly as a friend. I have a 46 year old woman who cares for me. And I also have an older male who loves me.

I feel worthless. I wish I could fall asleep, and not wake up. But apparently God wants me around for some reason. There have been so many times I came close to being in harm’s way, but I avoided it.

Sometimes it just hurts to breathe. I wonder all the time why am I even here. Would the world be a better place if I didn’t exist?

I’m a mess. I always have been, and I always will be. I’ve always been a loner. I’ve always felt out of place. I’ve never felt normal. I’m not normal.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I spent most of my day alone because my husband had to work, but I’m not alone in life. But part of what triggered my meltdown tonight, was the fact that I love a woman I can never have.

I say that I’m ok with loving her from a distance. And about 98% of the time, that’s true. But for some reason, I have been thinking about her more than I usually do. I haven’t spoken to her in three months. I don’t know if she’s ok, or if she’s even alive.

I had a meltdown tonight. I came so close to picking up those scissors, and chopping my hair off. I’ve done it before. The need is there is to do something drastic. I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t keep alcohol in the house, or I’d probably be plastered right now.

I will be glad when winter is over. I will be glad when I stop bleeding. I will be glad to get some sleep tonight.

I was crying earlier. It was enough to worry my husband. I’ll survive. I survived so many things in my life already. There has to be some reason I’m still around. It certainly isn’t to worry about kids, or grandkids.

Sometimes I need to have those meltdowns. I need to cry, and get the crap out of my system. I need to stop, and take a different look at things. None of this probably makes much sense to anyone else, but it does to me.

I do hate that I don’t have a normal body. I hate that it feels like my body betrays me. I hate that I am bisexual. I know that I have no control over that, and that it’s not a choice. I wish it was a choice, because I would NOT choose to be bi.

There are things I hate about myself, but there are good things too. Some people are alive because of me. I helped some people hang on when they were having their dark spells. People exist because of my influence in their parents’ lives.

There are days when I break down, but I pick myself back up again. I’m not perfect. But one thing I’ve noticed, is that God uses broken people. The only perfect person was Jesus himself, and even he had a temper.

I’m tired. I should sleep. To quote Scarlett O’Hara, “Tomorrow is another day.” I had a meltdown. Too many things hit me at once. But I cried, and got it out of my system until the next time. And just to note, I would not self harm (other than not healthy eating, and possibly cutting most of my hair off) I’ll go to bed, and hopefully feel better in the morning.

 

Advertisements
Standard

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s