Some people are cutters. They cut, or harm themselves to have a physical way to express their pain. There have been times in my life when I cut, but I just chopped my hair short. I almost did it tonight.
Sometimes I hate myself. I hate that I’m fat. I hate that I’m infertile. I hate that I’m short. I hate that I’m bisexual, and I want things I can’t have. I hate that I have a wonderful husband, but I want things that, as a male, he can never give me.
Right now, I hate that I’m bleeding again. I thought that menopause had taken care of that. Sometimes I really wish that I had fallen asleep, and passed out in 1997. I was bleeding so much, I was down to four pints of blood. About half the amount a normal person would have. I almost died. I had to have an emergency D & C.
I don’t hate my life. I have a wonderful husband. He deserves much better than me. We own our house, even though it’s old. We both own vehicles, and have jobs. I don’t hate my life, I hate me. I feel like I’m a waste of space, and shouldn’t even be breathing.
I have no purpose in life. I stumble from one day to the next. I spend way too much time online.
Here’s the most insane thing about my life: I don’t feel worthy of being loved. I am seriously flawed. My own mother told me that if she could have avoided me, she would have. But in spite of all that, I am very well loved. My husband loves me more than anything. I have a 30 year old male who loves me dearly as a friend. I have a 46 year old woman who cares for me. And I also have an older male who loves me.
I feel worthless. I wish I could fall asleep, and not wake up. But apparently God wants me around for some reason. There have been so many times I came close to being in harm’s way, but I avoided it.
Sometimes it just hurts to breathe. I wonder all the time why am I even here. Would the world be a better place if I didn’t exist?
I’m a mess. I always have been, and I always will be. I’ve always been a loner. I’ve always felt out of place. I’ve never felt normal. I’m not normal.
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I spent most of my day alone because my husband had to work, but I’m not alone in life. But part of what triggered my meltdown tonight, was the fact that I love a woman I can never have.
I say that I’m ok with loving her from a distance. And about 98% of the time, that’s true. But for some reason, I have been thinking about her more than I usually do. I haven’t spoken to her in three months. I don’t know if she’s ok, or if she’s even alive.
I had a meltdown tonight. I came so close to picking up those scissors, and chopping my hair off. I’ve done it before. The need is there is to do something drastic. I suppose it’s a good thing I don’t keep alcohol in the house, or I’d probably be plastered right now.
I will be glad when winter is over. I will be glad when I stop bleeding. I will be glad to get some sleep tonight.
I was crying earlier. It was enough to worry my husband. I’ll survive. I survived so many things in my life already. There has to be some reason I’m still around. It certainly isn’t to worry about kids, or grandkids.
Sometimes I need to have those meltdowns. I need to cry, and get the crap out of my system. I need to stop, and take a different look at things. None of this probably makes much sense to anyone else, but it does to me.
I do hate that I don’t have a normal body. I hate that it feels like my body betrays me. I hate that I am bisexual. I know that I have no control over that, and that it’s not a choice. I wish it was a choice, because I would NOT choose to be bi.
There are things I hate about myself, but there are good things too. Some people are alive because of me. I helped some people hang on when they were having their dark spells. People exist because of my influence in their parents’ lives.
There are days when I break down, but I pick myself back up again. I’m not perfect. But one thing I’ve noticed, is that God uses broken people. The only perfect person was Jesus himself, and even he had a temper.
I’m tired. I should sleep. To quote Scarlett O’Hara, “Tomorrow is another day.” I had a meltdown. Too many things hit me at once. But I cried, and got it out of my system until the next time. And just to note, I would not self harm (other than not healthy eating, and possibly cutting most of my hair off) I’ll go to bed, and hopefully feel better in the morning.