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A change in feelings

I was just reading through my journal. I started it in August of 2013. The beginning of it is all about J, and the feelings I had for him. I had some intense emotions for him in the beginning. I don’t anymore

I risked my marriage to my soul mate because of him. I did so much damage to my marriage. My husband said he would divorce me at one point.

Why did I do it? What possessed me to think I could have any kind of relationship with someone 18 years younger? Especially someone who couldn’t even keep the promise to send me a picture of himself.

I always knew there wasn’t a chance of a real life relationship. I knew that because I lost respect for him pretty early on. I didn’t expect him to defend me when the sociopaths starting attacking me, but he thought they weren’t wrong for doing it. All because I answered a questioned I was asked with an honest answer. He thought I deserved to be harassed, and attacked because I was honest.

Still, I went with the feelings I had. I was love with him. I loved him as a friend too. Although I knew we couldn’t have a relationship, there was a part of me that did think it was meant to happen. That maybe I was there to help him get ready for his person.

It turns out, I was right about that. That’s what happened. His interactions with me helped. A few months later, he asked his girlfriend out. She is his soulmate. They have a good future ahead of them.

It took a long time to finally lose the “being in love”. It disappeared in stages. I think the final straw was when he had a cancer scare, and he couldn’t bother to let me know the results for over a week. I wasn’t worth 2 minutes of his time to text me that he was ok.

It took me long enough, but I finally got the hint. I always knew the day would come when we’d both move on. I will always love him as a friend, and I will always want to know what’s going on with him. But I no longer have the need I used to have.

My husband is so relieved. He had let me remain friends with J, but it was against his better judgement. He let time take its toll. I will forever regret that he was hurt because of my actions. I was extremely selfish, and he never deserved that. J was a thorn in his side, but my husband let me continue talking to him.

Things happen for a reason. I needed J at that point in my life. And I believe he needed me too. But now, I need to let go, and put some things to rest.

For over two years, I dealt with the fact that I loved two very different men. I will continue to love both of them, but I am only in love with my husband now. I feel more at peace now.

Life goes on, and it moves forward. I said goodbye to those feelings I had. They are in the past now. I will always love J as a friend. He holds a special place in my heart.

I’m actually relieved that I have let go. They were feelings I didn’t need to be having. What a strange series of events. I never knew that a friendship could change so many times. But they say that love is energy. It may change form, but it doesn’t disappear. I fell in love with my friend, and then I fell out of love with my friend. We will forever be friends with a twist.

I won’t ever say goodbye to him. He means too much to me. But I did say goodbye to the excess feelings. I’m happy just to be his friend.

 

 

 

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