bisexual, Uncategorized

Adventures in bisexuality

I came out as bisexual two years ago this month. It was both easy, and difficult. I had to change the way I viewed life, and accept that all the beliefs that I had before then were different. I had to accept that I was different.

The first time I realized that I wasn’t “straight”, I cried. It hit me hard that in some countries, I could be killed for just being me. That there are people who hate me for something I have no control over.

I had family and “friends” unfriend me on Facebook when I came out. I was told that I had the devil in me, and I needed to “get right”. Thankfully, I had already learned to not take everything so personally. That they have their own demons that have nothing to do with me.

I’ve been asked why I keep talking about being bisexual. I don’t do it for attention. I do it because I am still trying to come to terms with it myself. Some people have their entire lifetime to accept what they are. I’ve had 2 years.

I had the signs of same sex attraction since I was at least 5, but I had no idea what they meant. I have attraction to men, so I buried those feelings down deep. It took me 46 years to figure out that wanting to look at female bodies meant that I was attracted to them sexually.

You would think something like that would be obvious. But it wasn’t to me. It wasn’t like I just decided one day that a curvy woman did something for me. It took a series of events for me to accept it finally.

Openly accepting my sexuality has caused conflicts in my marriage. We are taught that there is only “one true love” for us. I already know that I can love more than one person. I know that I am sexually attracted to both men and women.

I have a wonderful husband. He loves me without question. I have never doubted his love for me. But I have made him doubt my love for him. As a woman attracted to other women, I crave something that he can’t give me. For a time, I thought that I could have both. But I think that isn’t an option. I have to let go of that pipe dream.

I’ve been told that open marriages can work. Maybe they can, but I don’t think it’s for me. Why should I put myself out there to risk rejection, when I have the one person who loves me more than anything? I tried “dating”. Apparently I suck at it.

I wish I could have a romantic relationship with a woman, but I can’t put my heart into it. I can’t expect a woman to accept a half assed relationship from me.

I am a bisexual woman. It doesn’t matter that I’ve only had one sexual experience with another woman. Experience isn’t proof of sexuality, desire is.

One of the labels stuck on bisexuals is “greedy”. I supposed I may be greedy by wanting a woman in my life too. I have my male soul mate, I should content with him, right? I love my husband more than anything, but I still have desires. They will just have to go unfulfilled.

I once thought that even looking for a girlfriend was impossible. I learned that I could have the opportunity. The finding isn’t so easy. We all have choices we have to make. I could continue to search for that elusive woman, or I can learn to accept what I am already blessed with.

I am a woman capable of having, and giving more love than most people ever experience. I am very blessed in that regard. Attraction is something else entirely. Chemistry can’t be manufactured.

My husband reluctantly gave me permission to pursue a romantic relationship with another woman. But doing so is not so easy. I am very shy, and introverted by nature. I’m a big woman. I have social anxiety.

It’s kind of funny to me that I have no problem attracting men. If I wanted sex, I could easily find that from a male. But where women are concerned, I don’t have that kind of luck.

My adventures in bisexuality are limited. Frankly, I’m glad I’m not single, because I would be that forever alone meme. When I came out, I got hit with so many people assuming threesomes were an automatic part of the deal. I can’t find a female to have sex with, where would I find a bi woman who wanted both of us? There is a reason that is called unicorn hunting.

I think I am going to give up looking for my mythical creature. If it ever happens, it happens. I don’t have the fortitude to handle rejection. There might be a woman out there who wants me, and I hope that I do meet her some day. But I’m not going to look.

Is kind of difficult to have adventures when you don’t go looking for them. I am not an adventurous woman. I need to relearn being content with what I have. I have to accept that I won’t get to experience the pleasure of being with a woman. I will regret not being able to experience it, but that’s life. We don’t always get what we want.

Advertisements
Standard

6 thoughts on “Adventures in bisexuality

  1. acquiescent72 says:

    My problem is that I am an adventurous man, but I have long since lost the desires to go looking for things to happen. Granted, it might be marriage, it might be my outlook on life. I think now, however, I’ve come to a point that there are some things in life we have no control over, and to me sexuality is one of those things.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am currently experimenting with an open relationship. So far, it sucks. It’s very difficult to accept that kind of arrangement when you’re so used to thinking of yourself as a monogamous person. It’s not what I wanted either but I think it could work. It’s just a matter of understanding that we, as humans, are capable of a vast amount of love, and desires that sometimes can’t be satiated by one person. It’s normal.
    I don’t think you should give up, it may just be a matter of seeking open-minded friends.
    In any case, accepting yourself for who you are is most admirable. Props.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have to agree with Mercy, in that humans are capable of vast amounts of love and desires that sometimes can’t be satiated by one person. It IS normal. I agree with them that you don’t give up, and that you should seek open-minded friends.

    I strongly believe that you should try to find an LGBT group in your region. I have no idea where you live, and I don’t need to, but there are support and socializing groups nearly everywhere in the US. Check out for something in your region on http://www.Meetup.com, which is not a dating website, it’s a common interest groups website. Go to a Pride event this year. You might just love it. You certainly will be surrounded by your tribe. It is a very empowering feeling. Isolating yourself from the queer community is not going to help you feel better about yourself. If you made friends within the LGBT community in your area, it will help you feel less alone.

    Suppressing SSA (same-sex attraction) can be very damaging. It needs an outlet, including but not limited to finding a competent LGBT-friendly therapist.

    There is not only one true love for any of us. Divorce happens. Death of a spouse happens. Folks find new partners. Parents love all their children, not just one. Love is big. Monogamy is an artificial, societal construct. It works great for a lot of people. It worked great for me for 18 years. Until it didn’t anymore, because I fooled myself into thinking it worked great. And then I snapped. Having an open marriage is hard work, and requires enormous amounts of love and trust on all parts. Communication is essential. I had to daily tell my husband for the first year that I had no intention of leaving him, but that I had to honor the part of me that needed female companionship or I would truly go mad and probably try to end my life again.

    Yeah, dating sucks. It requires patience and not letting yourself fall for the first woman that looks at you. But then the magic happens. It takes time and talking to a lot of people before that click happens. Finding another bi female in a hetero marriage is doable and sensible. We are all over the place (yep, I’m one of them) but we are often in hiding. You’d both be in the same boat, and it would probably help your husband feel better if he knew that because the fear of you running off with an unattached lesbian would be lessened considerably. I had the best success with OKCupid, because I could state all my conditions and restrictions right there in my descriptive paragraphs, right off the bat. Five months and a lot of online inquiries later, my girlfriend found me and CLICK.

    My girlfriend is a fat queer butch and I ADORE her. Every square inch of her. I’m average-sized, athletic, and blessed with tons of energy. Very different from my big butch grrl. But I don’t give a rat’s ass about her size or physical limitations. I love her exactly as she is. We make it work, and work well. She’s the thinker, I’m the doer, and we complement each other well that way. I spend appropriate amounts of time with her, and the lion’s share of my time and attention goes to my husband and child and farm and job. It’s a juggling act, but I make it work. And I am a hella lot more sane because of it.

    If nothing else, please try to find and get involved in your local LGBT community. It will be good for you, and it may be enough to satisfy your SSA to be among your people without choosing to find a girlfriend. And, again, therapy is a really good idea.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m not suppressing the same sex attraction, I’m just not sure it’s worth the effort right now. I don’t feel ready to be intimate with anyone new right now. And I don’t think I need therapy. I accept my sexuality. But there is a Pride bowling night in a few weeks. I think I’m going to go to that. Even though it terrifies me to go alone.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s