I came out as bisexual two years ago this month. It was both easy, and difficult. I had to change the way I viewed life, and accept that all the beliefs that I had before then were different. I had to accept that I was different.
The first time I realized that I wasn’t “straight”, I cried. It hit me hard that in some countries, I could be killed for just being me. That there are people who hate me for something I have no control over.
I had family and “friends” unfriend me on Facebook when I came out. I was told that I had the devil in me, and I needed to “get right”. Thankfully, I had already learned to not take everything so personally. That they have their own demons that have nothing to do with me.
I’ve been asked why I keep talking about being bisexual. I don’t do it for attention. I do it because I am still trying to come to terms with it myself. Some people have their entire lifetime to accept what they are. I’ve had 2 years.
I had the signs of same sex attraction since I was at least 5, but I had no idea what they meant. I have attraction to men, so I buried those feelings down deep. It took me 46 years to figure out that wanting to look at female bodies meant that I was attracted to them sexually.
You would think something like that would be obvious. But it wasn’t to me. It wasn’t like I just decided one day that a curvy woman did something for me. It took a series of events for me to accept it finally.
Openly accepting my sexuality has caused conflicts in my marriage. We are taught that there is only “one true love” for us. I already know that I can love more than one person. I know that I am sexually attracted to both men and women.
I have a wonderful husband. He loves me without question. I have never doubted his love for me. But I have made him doubt my love for him. As a woman attracted to other women, I crave something that he can’t give me. For a time, I thought that I could have both. But I think that isn’t an option. I have to let go of that pipe dream.
I’ve been told that open marriages can work. Maybe they can, but I don’t think it’s for me. Why should I put myself out there to risk rejection, when I have the one person who loves me more than anything? I tried “dating”. Apparently I suck at it.
I wish I could have a romantic relationship with a woman, but I can’t put my heart into it. I can’t expect a woman to accept a half assed relationship from me.
I am a bisexual woman. It doesn’t matter that I’ve only had one sexual experience with another woman. Experience isn’t proof of sexuality, desire is.
One of the labels stuck on bisexuals is “greedy”. I supposed I may be greedy by wanting a woman in my life too. I have my male soul mate, I should content with him, right? I love my husband more than anything, but I still have desires. They will just have to go unfulfilled.
I once thought that even looking for a girlfriend was impossible. I learned that I could have the opportunity. The finding isn’t so easy. We all have choices we have to make. I could continue to search for that elusive woman, or I can learn to accept what I am already blessed with.
I am a woman capable of having, and giving more love than most people ever experience. I am very blessed in that regard. Attraction is something else entirely. Chemistry can’t be manufactured.
My husband reluctantly gave me permission to pursue a romantic relationship with another woman. But doing so is not so easy. I am very shy, and introverted by nature. I’m a big woman. I have social anxiety.
It’s kind of funny to me that I have no problem attracting men. If I wanted sex, I could easily find that from a male. But where women are concerned, I don’t have that kind of luck.
My adventures in bisexuality are limited. Frankly, I’m glad I’m not single, because I would be that forever alone meme. When I came out, I got hit with so many people assuming threesomes were an automatic part of the deal. I can’t find a female to have sex with, where would I find a bi woman who wanted both of us? There is a reason that is called unicorn hunting.
I think I am going to give up looking for my mythical creature. If it ever happens, it happens. I don’t have the fortitude to handle rejection. There might be a woman out there who wants me, and I hope that I do meet her some day. But I’m not going to look.
Is kind of difficult to have adventures when you don’t go looking for them. I am not an adventurous woman. I need to relearn being content with what I have. I have to accept that I won’t get to experience the pleasure of being with a woman. I will regret not being able to experience it, but that’s life. We don’t always get what we want.