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Off balance

I had a conversation tonight that threw me off balance. A male friend told me that he had feelings for me. I am honestly flattered, but I don’t feel the same way. I asked him why, and he said because I’m easy to love. He isn’t the first person to tell me that.

I honestly can not have feelings like that for anyone else. In the past two years, I was simultaneously in love with three people. Not one, not two, but three very different people. My heart literally can not take anymore.

I was sitting in the basement, crying. My husband came downstairs, and wanted to know what was wrong. I told him about my conversation. He got angry. I thought he was angry at me. He was angry that another man had feelings for me. He feels threatened by that.

To me, he’s angry because he doesn’t trust me. And to be honest, he has a right to not trust me. I have given him a reason to not trust me. But he says it isn’t me he doesn’t trust, but the guy. But what would the guy do if I didn’t let him?

My husband is being territorial. Part of me likes that, but part of me doesn’t like it. I know he doubts my loyalty, and it’s my fault. My actions put that doubt in his head. He keeps saying it’s not me, it’s the guy. But I think that’s bull.

I’m tired. Physically and mentally tired. I can’t help how someone else feels about me. I didn’t encourage it. I never encouraged any of it. I just talked to people as friends.

I do have to admit though, I am honestly blessed when it comes to being loved. And that is truly an amazing feeling. Some people never find love, but somehow I have it in abundance.

I don’t understand this. I didn’t ask for it. I used to think men and women could be friends, but that is obviously not true. And that makes me sad.

One thing I have learned in the last two years, is that life is unexpected, and often times weird. But I’m going to enjoy what I can of it.

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