I am a loner. Even though I’m married, most of my time is spent being alone. Most of the time, I am ok with that. But sometimes, I feel too alone. I want companionship. I don’t make friends easily. I don’t really have anyone I can just hang out with.
Over the summer, I tried to find a friend. I answered an ad on Craigslist. She responded. We went out a few times. I even had my first sexual experience with a woman with her. But, we didn’t really connect. She wasn’t really friend material. I had to give up trying.
I am married to my soul mate. We’ve been together almost 23 years. But we don’t spend much time together. We used to. We used to go out, and do things. Now, it seems like our time together involves, food, sleeping or sex. We don’t know how to have fun together.
I feel alone. So maybe I am subconsciously tying to fill that void by being online. I start talking to people, and allow them to become too important to me. I’ve learned the hard way that it’s too easy for people to be false online. I have learned that their word means nothing.
It’s ironic that the one person telling me that I shouldn’t trust people, was the one person I really shouldn’t have trusted. It took me long enough, but I finally learned that lesson.
I’m tired. I’m tired of people saying one thing, and doing the opposite. I’m tired of people contacting me when they want something, but if I need them, they disappear. I’m tired of giving too much. I’m tired of being lied to.
I am a giving person by nature, but there comes a point when you can give away too much of yourself. Some people are emotional leeches, they will drain you dry. And when the supply dries up, they find someone new to suck that energy from.
I think it’s time to withdraw back into my shell. I won’t be reaching out anymore. If someone wants to stay in my life, they need to make an effort. I am not going to chase anyone.
I find it sad how much energy I put into certain people, and they’re fine with walking away. Go right ahead, I survived without you before, I’ll survive without you again.