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All the feels…

I learned something last night. I learned that I was wrong about falling out of love with someone. I talked to her on the phone for three hours. And all the feelings I thought I had let go of, came flooding back.

I’m realistic here. I know nothing but emotions will ever come of it. I’ll probably never meet her in person. She is with her soul mate, and I am with mine. But that doesn’t stop the feelings I have for her.

I hadn’t spoken to her in two months. She kept her distance, and I respected that. But I got a message from her yesterday to call her. Even though I didn’t see the message until hours later, I took a chance, and called her. I’m glad I did. I missed talking to her. But talking to her just made me feel things all over again. Those feelings aren’t going away.

I don’t understand why I clicked with her. Who am I kidding? I do know why. She’s a beautiful person, inside and out. She doesn’t see herself that way, but I do. Physically, she’s gorgeous. Mentally, she intrigues me like no one else ever has.

She’s the only woman I’ve ever fallen in love with. I know we’re both taken, but falling in love with her just felt natural. I never had any conflicts of conscious because of it.

The conflict I do feel is because I know there can never be an “us”. I am simultaneously both good with that, and torn up about it. I clicked with this amazing woman, and there is nothing I can do about it, but be her friend.

I’m crying while I’m writing this. The reason she wanted to talk, was because she’s going away again. We won’t be able to talk again for quite a while. Part of me wishes I hadn’t spoken to her. Then I could feel angry for being ignored, instead of feeling lost again.

I have to go to work soon. But I’m sitting here crying like some stupid teenager. I believe people enter our lives for a reason. I’m not sure if I needed her, or she needed me. I do know that my life has forever been changed by her.

It’s strange, but the last few days, I thought about her more than I usually did. And then she shows up again. It sometimes feels like there is a sort of psychic connection with her. If that’s the case, I hope she can feel the positive energy I’m sending her way.

I’m a middle aged woman, and I’m crying because I love another woman. If you had told me two years ago that this would happen, I would have told you that you’re nuts. But it did happen. Nothing can came of it, and I know that. But sometimes you just have to face your emotions, and let things out.

I know, I probably sound pathetic. I’m married to a man, and I’m in love with a woman married to a woman. I love my husband dearly, he is my soul mate. But I clicked with a woman. Yep, I never claimed that my life made sense, or that I was conventional. But I do have to face facts. I’m still in love with her. I probably always will be. It’s not a bad thing. I can respect her marriage (and mine) and keep my distance. But I can keep her in my heart too. I would never want to jeopardize her marriage, so while I will admit to my feelings, I would not act on them. I can’t.

I don’t know why any of this happened. But God put her in my life for a reason. I will just embrace the fact that I can love, and be happy that I have that ability.  Life is strange and unexpected.

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2 thoughts on “All the feels…

  1. Don’t ever feel sad because you love her but can’t “have” her; a lot of people, married or otherwise, never get to experience what it means to love someone else when they’re already in love. Our morality says this should never happen but those rules have no power over love. It’s not easy… but love isn’t supposed to be easy despite what those overly romantic folks might say. Dry your eyes and rejoice in the fact that you’re capable of experiencing love like this and love which is unbound and unfettered.

    Liked by 1 person

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