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I cheated

I cheated. I tried to tell myself it was basically just interactive porn, but it was a form of cheating. I didn’t sleep around, but that is irrelevant. I never let another man touch me, but I let them into my mind. I wanted to let them touch me. And that is cheating, even if it is mentally.

I hurt my husband by my actions. I was cruel to him. He never did anything to deserve that. He was unconsciously pushing me away because of his physical problems, but that gave me no right to behave like I did.

I have no moral high ground. Saying that I never physically cheated doesn’t make it any better. I am the lowest of the low. The only positive about my actions, is that I didn’t expose myself to any diseases.

The funny thing is, I had sexual contact with another woman. I made her orgasm. But that wasn’t cheating, because I had his permission.

So how is phone sex with another man cheating, but physically touching a woman isn’t? Because it matters to my husband. He was hurt by me having phone sex. He was actually proud that I made another woman orgasm. He was hurt at the thought of me telling another man that I wanted him. He doesn’t think a woman is a threat to him, so he isn’t bothered by it.

Is having feelings for someone, and having phone sex considered having an affair? Some people call it an emotional affair. There were feelings involved. My husband knows about my actions, he knows about my former feelings. His philosophy is to forgive, and move on. I can’t break his trust again.

We have an agreement. I can explore my sexuality where women are concerned if I get the opportunity. I can get sexual with them online, on the phone or in person. He is ok with that. Except, I am not allowed to get emotionally involved.

So, I am forbidden to get sexual with another man online, or on the phone, but I have his consent to have sex with a woman. That seems very contradictory, but those are his rules.

As a feminist, I balk at the idea of going by a male’s rules. But as a wife, I have to respect his feelings. A marriage is made up of many things, and respect is one of them. I need to respect his wishes, and his feelings. We have an open marriage in the terms of me being with another woman. But when it comes to the male sex, I will be monogamous with my husband.

I did cheat. I never took my clothes off. The only male to see me naked in 23 years is my husband. But I got sexual with other males. It’s sad to say it wasn’t just one male, there were others. For a period, I had a compulsion. It could probably be considered an addiction.

I’ve changed my behavior. I try to avoid those situations now. I won’t lie, I miss the high I got from it, but my husband is more important to me than anything.

I cheated. My husband knows about it, and decided to forgive me. He loves me enough to give me another chance. He doesn’t want to lose me. But he has enough self respect to let me know that he won’t condone the continued behavior. And honestly, I wouldn’t respect him if he did. So, I have to step up, and be worthy of his respect. I made some mistakes, and I was selfish. I can’t do that again. The temptation is there, it’s never far away. But I can’t act on it.

For almost 20 years, I was the good wife. But we had a rough patch in our marriage. I fell in love with someone else, and things kind of snow balled. Things have returned to a better place. I am no longer in love with that person. My mid life crisis hormones have tapered off. My hyper sex drive has slowed down.

I love my husband. I regret that I hurt him. I can’t erase my behavior, but I can make sure that it never happens again. And I will do my best to make up for my mistakes, and to be the wife that he deserves.

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