I am in a mood to write, but i don’t have a topic. It’s not like that has ever stopped me before though. Part of me wants to rant. Part of me wants to talk about my mid life crisis, and the drama that brought. Part of me wants to talk about my sexuality, and sex. I don’t know what I want.

I had sex with my husband today. After he came, he used the vibrator on me until I came again. I squirted. Until two years ago, I had no idea such a thing even existed. Or that people got turned on by it. But I learned about it. I’ve watched a few porn videos about it. I’ve had a few discussions with people about it.

My one and only experience with a female involved her squirting. Is it weird that I’m kind of proud that I got her off on my first try? That I did make her squirt? I was only fingering her, but she still orgasmed.

I’m middle aged. I’ve had, and gotten through my mid life crisis. But I took me into my late 40s to discover that I could squirt too. I still haven’t let loose enough to do a full on squirt. The part of me that realizes that I will be stuck with the laundry prevents me from going too wild.

But even at this age, I’m still learning about myself. I’m learning what turns me on, and gets me off. I’ve always been a sexual person, but it’s exciting to discover new things about myself. It’s exciting to try new things when I can.

I watch porn. Not frequently, but i do watch it. Sometimes it turns me on, but many times it doesn’t. I hate seeing spitting. I hate watching cum splashed all over the place.

So many people get turned on by the guy jacking off on the woman. But to me, it’s degrading. I won’t allow it. I have a reason for feeling that way. In college, I read Gloria Steinem’s autobiography. One section was on Linda Lovelace, the star of Deep Throat. She said her husband forced her to make that movie. Back in 1991, I went to a friend’s batchelorette party. Someone showed that video. One scene had the guy masturbating onto her belly. In my mind, I knew she was forced into doing that, and hence,the cum on the belly was a degradation.

I’ve been told that I over think things. Maybe I do. But I won’t allow that for me. I can’t get pregnant, so there is no reason to pull out anyway.

There was only one time in my life that I did allow it. I had an appointment with a new gynecologist who happened to be male. David would not leave me alone that morning. I finally agreed to sex, but I told him he couldn’t cum into me. And he didn’t.

I don’t have many hang ups about sex. I enjoy it. I like talking about it. I’ve also never been on of those people who had to be “in love” before having sex. If I wanted to do it, I did it. I’ve done it outside several times. I’ve done it with my roommate listening outside my bedroom door. I know he watched us as least twice. My female roommate watched me give a david a blow job, and she was just a few feet away.

I’ve done sexting, and phone sex. Sometimes I got off from it, but sometimes I didn’t. I like making someone else lose control. it actually gave me a high. I can’t indulge in that behavior anymore, but I did enjoy it. I do have to say one thing about that. Grammar goes a long way. I can’t deal with someone who doesn’t speak properly. And voices count too. Some guys could cause arousal not matter what they said, it was just the voice that did the trick.

I’ve had actual sexual contact with 8 people in my life. Actual intercourse with 6 of them. The last partner before my husband was 23 years ago. But I did make a woman orgasm this summer. That alone blows my mind. I never thought that I would get the opportunity to touch a woman. I did though.

Eight partners in 48 years isn’t excessive. Not when I read Kdaddy23’s blog. He said he had sex with 9 guys in one day. That boggles my mind,. I grew up in the 80s. AIDS was a big deal. I was from a very heavily church involved family, I went to a Christian college. I was a virgin (by choice) until I was 23. I wasn’t casual about sex. I had sex for the first time in the summer of 1990. I didn’t have another partner until February of 1992.

I have no idea where I’m going with this post. I do like sex. I’m not going to let any else’s opinion of me change that. I indulged in some things I shouldn’t  have, but I haven’t physically cheated on my husband. I had sexual contact with a woman, but I had his permission to explore along those lines.

I’m human. I enjoy sex, whether or not I orgasm. I masturbate alone, or with my husband’s help. I used to sext or have phone sex, I enjoyed it. I no longer do that though.

Another thing that gets me: I’m a big woman. Some people act like I’m not allowed to have fun because I’m fat. But I still have a good sex life. I probably have more fun, because I’m not so hung up on physical appearance. I know my husband loves me. I know he gets turned on by me. We can’t do things that we could 22 years ago, but who can?

I’m a middle aged, fat woman. I don’t have sex as often as I used to, but I still have it. I still enjoy it. The fat shamers out there want me to hide my body, and pretend that I don’t exist. I’m not going to do that. No one says they have to like me, and it doesn’t matter to me if they do or don’t. What matters is that I enjoy the things I enjoy. And I still enjoy getting it on.


5 thoughts on “Sex

  1. For what it’s worth, I think fat women are awesome. My first girlfriend was rail thin. That was 32 years ago. Since then, the women I’ve loved have been far more substantial. My current girlfriend is fat, and I love her exactly as she is. I don’t really think of her as fat, only as the woman I adore.

    Liked by 1 person

      • That is quite true. The trick seems to be to find someone who looks beyond the physical and sees YOU, not your size. That said, hugging and holding a delightful zaftig woman is simply the best. My girlfriend has been body shamed an awful lot over the years, and it surprised her that her size was irrelevant to me.

        Liked by 1 person

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